[Dan12345]

So as you may read in some of my posts I suffer with anxiety and depression and recently It's comming back, it's always been there I guess but emotions are strong and I think it could be my relationship that causes it.

About 4 months ago my girlfriend dumped me of 2 years via a phone call and told me it was officially over no matter what. The week after this she ignored me and I met someone else, after dating this girl a picture of us appeared on facebook and my ex girlfriend saw it, she suddenly started talking to me again and to cut a long story short I went back to her, the thing is we are back together and I dunno if It's the right thing she doesn't allow me to smoke she doesn't like me drinking and she's stopped us having sex because she's following her chirstian faith. I feel this is unfair as when we met she loved having sex she's fine with foreplay just no sex before marriage, that's atleast 3-4 years away. I will be 27/28 years old then.. I don't want to waste my youth so when I'm older I'm not one of those single guys divorced in a pub day in and day out (no offence to anyone doing that). I'm constantly having to lie about not smoking and I'm finding myself meeting other women. I love her to bits but its not fair to change so much. She's put weight on aswel like 2 stones so the attractive side is going, that may seem shallow but I can't help it. Girls seem to be very interested in me but I dunno. She won't even move out with me until marriage. I feel like It's right but also wrong. She's my world but this whole Christianity thing is not me at tge moment. I really need good advise. My career is going well and so is hers we would be well off in the future. When I dated that other girl I felt free and alive but I really could not trust her. I can't even watch porn now as my gf thinks It's bad and makes her insecure, she questions the paper I buy due to semi naked photos on page 3...

Thanks
Dan

Hey Dan

There's so much going on here huh? The bottom line is that it sounds like you have to do all the compromising. I am not religious, but I respect other's faith - but saying that I wouldnt date someone who's actively religious because it would be too much of a fundamental difference.
I do wonder how much she is willing to compromise - she seems to insist on a lot. Have you spoken about meeting half-way? For example, my partner doesnt smoke, and he hates it, yet he knew I smoked sometimes when we hooked up, and he accepts it as a part of me, even though its a really horrible, smelly part of me. I also have issues with the banning of porn - Personally speaking as a girl, I dont mind my fella looking at porn. Tbh, I just think its part of the norm - as long as it doesnt take over! Page 3 in the sun is really mild too huh? I do think she may have more insecurities other than porn too.

Staying with her is entirely up to you, just be honest with yourself as to your ability to live life her way. Did you ever sort out the reason you broke up in the first place too? Did she tell you why she changed her mind over you when you started seeing another woman? I would wonder if you're still in love with the old her too, a memory. I hope you can find an answer for both of you, as she deserves someone who's into her 100% too.

[Leed]

This is kinda weird. When you were together before, she was ok with sex, correct?? And now, all of a sudden she got SAVED -- and she wants to "save herself" for marriage. Isn't it a little too late for that??? Isn't she being a hypocrit? Didn't she ALREADY have sex before marriage? I mean, c'mon -- what kind of a game is she playing here? I believe in God too, but good grief.

And it doesn't say anything in the Bible about smoking -- so you should be able to smoke all you want. She can't have EVERYTHING. You're a man, so ACT like one and stand your ground!!! Don't let her take over the relationship!!! YOU have to have some rights too, ya know! Tell her NO, you're not going to stop smoking, and if she doesn't like it, don't let the door hit you in the arse!!! As far as porn goes, I'm not a fan of it either. My ex used to have Playboy magazines, and I didn't mind that so much, but porn movies -- no. I just don't think those are necessary. Sorry.

As far as her weight goes why not invite her to go jogging with you? It would be healthy for both of you, and she might lose some weight. Or invest in a treadmill in case she'd be too embarassed to run in public.
Just an idea.

I wish you the best of luck, but she sounds like she's pretty strong-willed. You're gonna have to stand up to her, and not let her take over this relationship. Stand your ground on issues you believe in!!! God bless and take care. Hugs, Lee

[shezbut]

Hi Dan,

What compromises is your gf making for you? I would recommend sitting down to make a list of what you do love about your gf, and what bugs you about her. She can't expect you to make all of the changes, that only leads to resentment. Healthy relationships are give and take on both sides!

I do think that it's important that the two of you have similar views on religious beliefs. If she's gung-ho, and you aren't a big believer, that can make the relationship pretty strained in itself. Really, I see a lot of complications in your relationship with your gf.

Maybe the woman you're in love with is the person that she was before. Before you broke up. The woman that you describe right now doesn't sound like she's putting any effort into building a healthy relationship with you.

Very best wishes to you!

[Dan12345]

Thank you for all your advise, I think the main issue is being in love with the girl I used to know. So what is feeling in love? Is it an ever lasting honey moon period?

I'm scared of being alone I guess.

[Confusedinomicon]

I think everyone is afraid of being alone.

However when your in your 20s and in a serious relationship you need to make sure you grow together. It sounds like she made life choices that deviated from yours. Get out now before your married to her. I had a friend who converted and they broke up because they werent compatible anymore.

If you had one girlfriend I am sure you can find another. This may be a good time to work on yourself/your career/school/build and renew friendships.

Dont stick it out unless your willing to try Christianity.

[Jannaku]

Hi there. Reading your post I immediately can see that your girlfriend is controlling you and not allowing you to express who you really are. Don't waste your time in a relationship that does not make your happy. The differences between you are like a wedge which will only grow larger and you will resent her control - infact I think you already do which is why anxiety/depression is returning. She has ruthlessly dropped you once before and now has reeled you in again in what sounds like a power move brought on by jealousy of seeing you with another girl. Harsh as it may sound - call it quitts and move on to another relationship. From what you say ((I met someone else, after dating this girl a picture of us appeared on facebook)) it doesn't sound like your going to be alone for very long. Have a positive attitude - accept that things have changed and look positively to the future. Nothing wrong with being single and dating for a while anyway. Have fun