[merlin87tx]

I'm not even sure if this is the right place to put this but it looks like it.

*sigh* Where do I start...

I'm with a man that I do care about, that I love. A man that I am going to marry in November but there have been issues.

I really believe that he suffers from depression and most of it coming from his past. He has only told me so much about his past and a lot of it, he doesn't want to speak of to anyone. I can understand this, there are some things in my own past that are too painful to even think about. We accept this from each other and try to understand that there are days that we just have to sit down and try to collect ourselves.

But recently, it's been hard. We're currently in different countries, mainly because of work, but I am moving back to America soon. It's only four more months but this long distance thing is really messing with us. Mostly me, I suppose.

He has been depressed more and more lately. Stressed from work and from other things that he is thinking about but doesn't tell me. He started smoking something called Spice or Salvia. I looked it up and it's similar to Pot, which I don't really have any issues with except that it's illegal. Spice is legal though, so I'm not sure what is really bad about it. Only bad thing I've heard is that it can be mixed with some chemicals and can be really bad, messing up the brain and causing even more major depression.

I've told him about this and that I wish he would stop. That if he got something mixed, that it could really hurt him and he wouldn't really be able to tell if it was mixed or not. He went off to say that it was his choice whether or not he did this. Pretty much saying that I had no say in the matter.

On top of that, when he gets depressed, he doesn't talk to me. Recently, it will go four or five days before I even hear from him, and usually only for 30 minutes or so. I told him how it hurts that I don't get to talk to him and he just sits there. Doesn't say anything and even at times, will just smile while I'm pouring my heart out. It feels like he doesn't care at all.

I'm not sure what to do. I'm scared that IF (now I consider an if because of the fear) we get married, that he will continue this. I don't think I can do handle it. But now I'm stuck. I had purchased a ticket to visit him in november, that we would get married then, and it was a lot of money. I can't cancel the plane ticket either. I don't know what to do.

Am I making this into a big deal? Am I being overdramatic about this or am I justified?

[Leed]

If this is changing WHO he is and how he acts, YES I would be quite worried. Anything that changes a person, whether it's illegal or not, is dangerous and I would think twice if he's refusing to stop using it. Would you want to live with this person 24/7 the way he is now? I doubt it. You may want to rethink your trip in November if he's not going to stop using this "drug." And even if he does stop NOW, is he going to begin using it again after you marry? Chances are good. If he's using this to ease the pain of depression, you bet he's going to keep using it or begin again if he stops.

He needs to see a therapist, and soon. A psychiatrist would be best so that the doctor could give him medication, should it be warranted, and I suspect it would. Urge him to see someone, and if he won't, then once again I'd rethink my plans.

Best of luck and God bless -- and PLEASE -- let us know what happens? Hugs, Lee

[merlin87tx]

Thats the thing. The ticket is already bought and nonrefundable. None of this started til after I bought the ticket. I feel like I got ambushed here and now my sadness is turning into anger.

He talked about seeing a psychiatrist before but he didnt follow through with it. On top of that. I am a psychology major and he keeps thinking that I am psycho-analyzing him. Which I dont do! I know better than to do that to anyone I personally know. I am so mad right now and I just want to scream. I want someone to actually hear me and he is not

[shezbut]

(((merlin87tx)))

I don't think that you are being overly-dramatic at all.

Personally, I'd be worried too! It sounds as though he's shutting you out of his mind right now. Have you talked about issues that aren't related to your concerns about his use of this Salvia or Spice stuff? Just curious how he reacts to other conversations. Does he do any of the talking? Or is he more of the quiet type of guy, who speaks up briefly on topics that interest him, like sports or weather?

If your fiance really is set on sticking with smoking his stuff, despite your valid concerns, that's your answer on where you stand in his life. That would seriously have me wondering what he would be like after the marriage if he's this set on his ways now. He needs professional help. He really should be more emotionally committed to you than he is to the smoke stuff.

Regarding your frustration, anger, and hurt... I am sorry. Hopefully, you will be able to convince your fiance that he needs professional help to get over this hurdle. I know that it wouldn't be easy for you, and you wouldn't get your money back for the plane tickets ~ but it's better to cut your losses now before the investment (financial, emotional, physical) grows larger. Maybe you'll be able to re-connect after he gets some help. That would be the best investment to make!

Wishing you the best ~ you're in my thoughts!

[merlin87tx]

@shezbut:

Some topics he will talk about but only if he's not depressed. If he's depressed, then he says nothing. Always having this look on his face like he's thinking of all this stuff but holds back. Then saying that there is nothing or he doesn't know what to say. Before, he has told me that he keeps some of his thoughts to himself because he doesn't want to hurt my feelings. I get that but at times, I would rather he just say it.

At this point, I just have to keep doing my own thing and wait to see what he does. I have said my say to him already and now it's just a matter of waiting. It could be stupid of me to just wait and see what happens but I feel like that's all I can do at the moment.

[merlin87tx]

I'm at home now. I managed to get through work with shaky hands and voice, trying my hardest to not just break down right there. I think the students knew that there was something up with me and bless their hearts, they were so good today. They kept asking me to play games with them, ones that they know I like to play too, and I actually felt relief for a little bit.

With my emotions back down and being back at home, I started thinking over everything. I'm not going to make a slew of excuses for me or him, that would be completely redundant but I feel like I need to get this all off my chest.

Gods know, I'm not perfect. I sometimes am oversensitive about things and I look at the world in a very black and white way. Either it's good or it's bad and I don't really accept things in the grey. I know that I want to control things at times but I have been working on that. Working on accepting the things that I cannot change and the things I cannot control. It's hard for me and I find myself lapsing sometimes. I also suffer from depression as well. To the point where I want to curl up in the corner and just cry my eyes out for hours. I'm not suicidal. I have found ways to manage through it but certain days, it just builds too much and I feel myself falling apart.

As for my fiance. I can see that he goes through fits of depression. His own mother attests to them being very bad since being in the military. I know he hates doing that and wants to leave so badly but with very few options on how to get out. I try to give him his space, especially since he has told me that he doesn't want to hurt my feelings. When he gets depressed, he lashes out. The last time he did, he left the house for three hours and came back, collapsed, and cried his eyes out. Begging me to forgive him for the things he had said to me before he had left. Now to avoid it, he will leave before he gets too upset and then return to talk about it.

I try to understand but dammit, I hate being left in the dark. I know it's the part of me that wants to control. I want to know everything. I try to be patient with him, let him have his space so that he can get through his depression, but after this recent finding...I'm at a loss. I don't know what to do. On occasion, I do recreational activities like him but I do not want to become dependent on them, so I distance myself.

Since this is our first big dealing, I don't want to just end it. I don't want to just leave because of our first big fight like this, yet I have received numerous messages around that I should just leave now.

Hi merlin87tx - i would be concerned about your fiances dependency on this substance - its sounds as though he is self-medicating rather than going to someone with the expertise to actually help him. And this is what worries me. What is holding him back from going to a psychiatrist? He needs to accept that without professional help he isn't giving himself or his relationship the best shot at improving. I know i certainly wouldn't want to be married to someone who put drugs above their own health and happiness. He has to want to change and if it looks as though he doesn't have the motivation for this despite having you in his life and lot of other things to be greatful for, i would focus on you for the meantime and hopefully distancing yourself from him for a while will help him come to his senses. After all you've tried encouraging him to get help and stuck around regardless of how he behaved, so now i would try backing off for a bit and give him the chance to realise that you won't put up with his behaviour forever and that if he still wants you in his life he has to prove it. You're not his mother and you have your own life to get on with so please take care of you and remember we're all ears should you need us. Take care.

[iCARUS]

I can empathize how depressing this may be for you and give you props to seek out the help not only for your relationship and man but for yourself. Which brings me to my next question? Obviously you care for this man greatly and it shows through your compassionate words. Are you asking yourself though what makes you happy. Ultimately your happiness is what matters here and you are being a supportive fiancé. No discouragement please understand nor judgement from me only wondering who's giving you what you need to be as strong as your searching to be. I applaud you and your efforts and hope that you remind yourself that. Your bond with this love is what makes you so understanding and you should never beat yourself up for asking if your being to dramatic. you simply care and want the best for your man and your future with him. Again give yourself enough credit you will ultimately make the right choices here. Whatever that may be I wish you the best.