[DAMF]

I recently moved across the country and met an angel. We started dating and after around a year, we were engaged. a year later we were married.
The same week of our engagement I joined the military. I'm 19 and she's 18 and we agreed to go back and forth between my and her parents house until I leave for basic.

I have family up here from Arizona as well as things I need to get done before I leave for basic in 9 days. I need to be home. Everytime I come home, I stay a few days and my wife and I get into a HUGE argument and basically my parents kick us out. She can't stay at my house without getting really crabby so I figured I'd take her home so all the week before I leave, I wouldn't have to worry about it. I planned to be there for 3 days tops. Well, my inlaws wanted to do something the following saturday so I changed it and said we'd come back that sunday. I had to come back to get clothes and my mom had a doctors app that my wife said she'd take her to so we came back to my house.
My wife didn't seem to want to get out of the car. I have things to do so I tried to get as much as possible done while she kept rushing me and reminding me of the time, I got overwhelmed and told her to stop. She wanted to go back, cause her dad asked her to clean bird cages and she didn't. Her urgency was that she wanted to get home to clean the cages before she went to bed. At least one cage she kept saying... After an argument that ended with my mom intervening and kicking us out, we went back. We got back in town around 7 or 8 and we went to dinner before going home. The next morning, she did the bird cages and i got a phone call from home saying that it upset everyone that I came, fought and just left without really spending time with anyone.

So I told her that after the cages are done, im going home. We fought because we rushed out of my home back to hers so she could clean her bird cages, and she still put it off to the next day. Eventually i called home to get picked up. (I have no car.) we continued to fight and eventually she called her mom home from work, by the time she got there it was pretty much over, and she agreed with me that we need to follow through with our commitments and that if we have conflicting schedules we need to be apart to fulfill them. I came home and my wife is still sulking at her parents house, 6 hours later.

We've been fighting non-stop since we got married and a little before. I want to say its stress from me leaving, but it's getting to be too much. I think the first 3 weeks of my marriage right before I leave for basic for a really long time, shouldn't be filled with constent fighting arguing and bickering. My parents reminded me that when I come back, and we go to my duty station, things are only going to be harder if it continues.

I don't want that.

In your opinion, what would you do?

[Leed]

This is difficult with you going into the service, but when you get back to your duty station, is there ANY way you two can get into couples counseling? You certaiinly NEED it. You both are very very young, and to be honest, you're a bit young to take on the responsibility of marriage. I think your wife is a bit immature and she hasn't quite grown up yet, which surprises me since you seem much more mature than she is, and it's usually the other way around. LOL

If you can, try to get some counseling when you get back. I'm afraid that's the ONLY way this is going to work out. You two just cannot keep fighting like this, or else this is going to end up in the divorce court.

I wish you the very best,== and the most important thing -- THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE TO OUR COUNTRY!!!! You have NO idea how much it is appreciated!!! God bless you in your journey. You are in our thoughts and prayers. Hugs, Lee

Hi DAMF - Im not sure whether marriage counselling is the most appealing thing you'd want to do as soon as you have leave but if you value the commitment you made to this woman and want to work things out this is really the only option. To my mind you have a lot on your plate as it is and you're still very young - if you want to make a go of it you have to be 100% commited to doing so otherwise you might as well save both yourself and your wife a lot of time and heartache and either take a break and see how things go, or if you're absolutely certain you cannot reconcile your differences - call it quits. I think this personally would be a great shame but the only person who can come to this decision is you, so think long and hard about it and once you know the answer - be determined and don't second guess yourself. Hope ive been of some help. Good luck with your training.

[shezbut]

(((DAMF)))

Was your wife supportive of the decision that you made to join the military? Have you two discussed how she'll spend her time once you're stationed? Will she move to that area and get a job nearby? Stay where she's at and look forward to the times when you come home??

My ex-husband was in the Navy before we met, and several of his brothers and sisters served in the military as well (one is still serving after 14 years or so). Anyway, I have seen some relationships thrive when one or both are serving in the military ~ but being chosen to serve in the same station can be very hard, even though the recruiters often say, "No problem."

Perhaps you've already talked these things out with your wife, I don't know. Just a tip for you to follow: sit down with your wife in a quiet place. At a park, or someplace like that without phones (or other distractions) and talk about your emotions. Tell her that you're feeling a bit anxious about boot camp, and what will follow. How is she feeling? You should ask her to write to you often, and send some photographs. It will be nice to have those physical reminders of her while you're in the service. Ask if she wants anything from you to help her through. You can't necessarily promise that you'll call or write frequently, as you will be very busy and tired in boot camp! But, maybe you can devote 5 minutes every day to write a sentence or two about your thoughts while you're in BC, and then send it to her at the end. (Or something like that ~ something special, just for her.)

Hopefully, sitting down and openly talking about your feelings and thoughts with one another will help you both feel better towards one another...and also less-stressed about your marriage. There is support for soldiers and their families. Make sure that you look into these things, so your wife doesn't feel so alone while she waits to hear from you again.

I do wish you the very best. Thank you very much for serving our country. I appreciate the work that you're going to do and hope that everything goes very well for you!! You're in my thoughts.

Please do let us know what you decided to do and how it went before you go!