[dsh74]

Don't know what to do or where to go. I need help, didn't realize how bad until just now. Am a mom, going to either have to spend mother's day alone or travel 90 min. just to see my husband and older daughter for awhile, then travel back home alone. Why?
Actually, am on here, wondered if maybe I had some fears, agoraphobia or something. But not sure it's just me, but my situation.
Had bad dream awhile ago, only had few hours sleep. My husband and daughter drive, taking motorhomes, etc. different places, I do too, when can. But someone has to be at home, since my parents are in assisted living, plus we have 2 dogs that need attention. So, they need to work more than me. They're actually able to. I have bowel difficulties, just what you wanted to hear, huh?
Anyway, I've been alone way too much over the years. Someone may ask, was it of my own choosing, and I say, not all the time. We were in the ministry, he'd be home in the evenings at least more than now, but would need at times to go take care of someone else's problems, then had to wait for his return. We also ran a restaurant before, I didn't want to be there, didn't want to have to keep going to be there. Am not a people person, am an introvert, I did the books for the place, payroll, etc. - at home, most of the time. No place there really. I needed the quiet to do my figures anyway. Alone too much then.
Now, am here, my 89 year old dad, needs me to pick him up, take him places. I can drive long distances, for the job, but hate stopping and going, in town. He also got mad, a lot, at me, last year, after we'd moved here, when I couldn't do enough for him. Husband was driving truck then. Daughter was living in different state then. This week, I wanted to be left alone, needed to purge my system sort of. Did some. But since he got mad at me a lot last year, I've avoided him this week. He's left messages, I haven't returned his calls, let him think I'm not here. Don't want to lie, but don't know what to tell him when do talk to him. Can't stand what's going on here.
Maybe need to drive and see husband and daughter, probably shouldn't stay alone. Could go eat or something with dad. Need to go see my mom, she has dementia.
We were hurt in the last church he pastored, so he's left the ministry, we decided. Attended a church here, when could, then pastor resigned several months ago. Haven't been to church since, we still don't trust people much. Have been looking for a possible House Church in area. Hopefully will, need to make ourselves go, be involved, I need people more. But have been ever so afraid. But can't stand what's going on now with me either.
Have no insurance, we're contracted out with this work, so we're self employed. So, can't afford expensive couselors, etc., even if they are the best ones.
Some help here, advice, prayer, anything. Need people and inputs. Feel am losing it at times or at last rope. Have been on several other website's forums this last year, looking for understanding, help, with same stuff. Have gotten some, not much. Get discouraged and keep looking. Thanks, though, for reading this, ahead of time.

[Rhapsody]

My PRAYERS you have my FRIEND..... my advice as a wife & Christian for 20 years is to remind your self of the LOVE that God has so unconditionally given unto you and then return that LOVE (thru Gods eyes & heart) to your family....... I know it will be hard, but I can personally tell you that I to have had to learn to LOVE thru GOD and not thru my own human heart/wants/needs/flesh.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

Check this website out and their book (I love IT):
1.) http://loveandrespect.com/

>>>>>>> I am here if and when YOU need to talk (to vent ) as to release the inner emotions that now keep you captive.

[dsh74]

Thank you, Rhapsody! I appreciate that!

[dsh74]

Am back for now. Thanks again, Rhapsody. I think my post probably sounded a little confusing to some. Right now, am doing better, did go meet my husband and daughter last Sun., then had to pick up meds for my dad, also this week. So, sometimes, just having to get out, helps for me. That is, if I can feel in control and everything seems okay. I do believe a lot of my problem does deal with my bodily system and symptoms though.

But also, if I feel good about myself, looks and all, that can help. I have thin hair, and had let my perm grow out, since stress had messed it up some last year. I got it cut shorter, just recently, so need to get used to it and how to take care of it, before I can feel good about being seen by others. Can anyone identify?

Just wanted to get back on here and let others know I'm still around, just can't always be maybe. Have to go drive sometimes, to help make money, which is good for me too. It builds my self confidence and esteem. As long as all goes well anyway, make it one piece, you know?

i hope you're having a good weekend. take care of yourself. pat

[dsh74]

Thanks Pat!
Yeah, my weekend"s okay, but I do still hate having to spend so much time alone. My brother & his wife, (which happens to be one of my husband's sisters), will be here today though, to come see my parents, and me too. But my parents 56th anniversary was this last Friday, and my mom doesn't know anything. My dad had forgotten too, really, I had to tell him. So, it can be hard.
My childhood was good, but we, (my family), were away for about 20 years, and I guess not being around enough to see my parents age is better than some not seeing their children grow up, huh?
Well thanks again, though, I appreciate your asking.

[Sabrina]

Please continue to look after and be kind to yourself, as best you can. You will always have company here!

(((dsh74)))