what is the big deal??

so i've been "seeing" this guy for about 6 months. we like each other, opened up a lot about each other (at least i did, now i'm not sure if he did or not...), and i've let my guard down a significant amount considering he isn't my "boyfriend". i know it might sound stupid, but i don't even open up to my "boyfriends" that easily (at first). i usually keep composure and don't let people see me in distress or freak out, or anything of that sort, unless they're a really good friend of mine and i trust them.
well this weekend i ended up breaking down to/in front of him.... i was/still am super embarrassed, but i had no choice and it didn't even seem to phase him...

well... i brought up the whole "what are we, where are we going with this" talk and ended up telling him that i don't think i would be comfortable continuing to "casual date" with the amount of info i tell/i've told him; especially since we're having sex... he's mentioned before that he's commitment phobic, which i understand, but i don't feel comfortable and am no longer comfortable with acting like i'm ok with something i'm not. it seemed that he was withholding information which seemed to relate with his problem with relationships and he played the "dodge game"; which i recognize since i'm a pro at it.

to sum everything else up, he said he has no issue with being exclusive, but is against being in a relationship. i agreed to give him a couple of days to think about it, but to be honest i've already started re-building my wall up since last night. i'm honestly frustrated and a little hurt, because i feel like i've been very patient and understanding compared to how i used to be and i feel betrayed.

i'm just curious. what is the big deal about getting into a relationship?? why is it so different than exclusively dating?? i understand people think "being in a relationship" comes with more responsibilities/expectations/etc. but when i clearly state that there will be no added expectations or anything else of that sort... what is the big deal?!

Hi PrincessxKitty - It sounds like you and this guy have different ideas about where you want to be in life right now. To be honest if he wants to be exclusive is this not the same as being in a relationship? Why is he so against having you as a girlfriend? if he's openly said he is commitment phobic that would send alarm bells ringing for me - if he's been this way for sometime is it likely he's going to change? On the other hand if you've been together six months and have a good thing going perhaps you need to ask yourself why its such a big deal if you're not 'technically' in a relationship. Either way something has to give - this subject will only fester so before everything comes to blows i would try and establish properly why he is so against this idea - perhaps he's been very hurt in past relationships and is building up his own wall so to speak. If you feel you absolutely must officially be someones girlfriend then perhaps its best to get out of this relationship now so that you both save each other a lot of hurt. I would wait and see how things progress though - perhaps in time he will feel more comfortable? It has after all been six months so maybe its a little soon for him? I hope this works out positively for you, all the best.

I'm so confused by what he meant @ the bolded up top... Sounds like an oxymoron? But anyway, I will give advice just like you are a female friend telling me these things...

He's telling you how he feels and what he thinks.... Believe him... He doesn't want a relationship, you can't force him.... He doesn't want to be with you and be exclusive, believe him... If you ignore it, you could be one of those females posting messages/threads online about how she doesn't understand why her man has cheated and or doesn't want to be with her. Dude already told you up front... Accept it, or move on...

If this man truely felt that you were "the one" or someone that he could be with long term, he would make it official with you... He wouldn't want another man to snatch you up, he wants to beat another man to it... If he isn't ready now, then he isn't ready... But I still firmly believe, and I say this over and over, if he wants you, he will be with you and there will be no confusion because he will make it very clear to you that you are who he wants/ what his intentions are...

Now what I would do is, let him know that I was interested in more, but won't be waiting around for him.... Ease back on the communication, start to detach myself from him emotionally and mentally and keep my options open.... If he comes around, great, if not, at least he told you up front so that you are not investing time and energy into someone who doesn't want the same things that you do... OR, you could just stay with him and wait it out... But my opinion on that is, he has the upper hand... Good luck! Find a man who won't have to think twice about making it official!

You know, irreplaceable told it like it is. This guy needs to be a friend not a lover. Find someone who will love you and want a relationship. You deserve that!

The guy honestly doesn't seem to be telling you something. Either he is confused about the idea of a relationship and being exclusive or he's holding something back. Thing is, in my mind when you date, and do all the things you are doing already, you're IN a relationship already. There's no two ways about it. Whether it's open to the two people dating others or not is the only difference. He's confused or is blowing hot air at you IMO. If he doesn't know the meaning of being exclusive, he's pretty thick to tell you the truth, and if he does differentiate, he needs to make it clear what those differences are to you so you understand and you can base your decision on that. Just the fact he's openly commitment phobic and the fact you want a relationship essentially, says to me that he probably isn't one you want to commit yourself to and you should keep looking.

he did say that he has been cheated on which explains a lot on where some of the commitment-phobia came from, but he also said that he's going through some things and feels that he might shut me out for a period of time if things don't go as planned. my point was that whether we are "officially in a relationship" or not, he would shut me out one way or another. i'm not longing for a "relationship" or to be someone's girlfriend, but i just thought with the emotional connection we've had already that it just felt "right" to be in an official relationship, but then again there really isn't a "right and wrong". if anything i'm hesitant for my own sake than having an official title if that makes any sense

actually when this conversation first started, he said he would understand if i distanced myself because of his hesitation and he knows that i don't open up easily. the last conversation about this topic was 2 days ago where i told him that i'm not happy and don't feel comfortable with just "casually dating", especially with the amount of info i've shared with him. it might not seem like a big deal to most people, but i don't open up my emotions and share things that mean a lot to me with someone i'm just "aimlessly dating". i have no problem with the idea of casually dating, but that's how i feel; maybe because i feel betrayed in a sense.
i do agree that if he really wanted to make it official and didn't want to lose me he would've done it already. if that is the case, i guess i just wanted him hear him say it which probably isn't going to happen.
i also agree that it indeed is an oxymoron when he isn't against being exclusive but is very against being in a relationship.
honestly, i was very close to calling it off (and still kind of am actually). i already started distancing myself; he was supposed to have an answer by now and i feel like he's avoiding it. i want to ask him for the verdict, but at the same time i don't.

soo i have some update in case anyone was wondering.
he called me last night and we had a final talk about everything; he said he has no problem and would like to be exclusive, but he's not comfortable with the idea of being in a full on relationship. mainly because we are kind of a long distance away from each other, about an hr and half. most people would say that isn't a big deal, but considering i don't have a car and don't drive; not to mention neither of us have our own place yet and he is currently looking for his own place. i'm still confused, but i understand.

but being a cautious/paranoid/hesitant person i am, i still have/am distancing myself. i can't risk leaving myself vulnerable