[Moreta]

Me and my husband had a huge fight last night, b/c I didn't clean yesterday. I felt so crappy all day. I spent most of the evening crying b/c I was in so much pain. Then when he gets home from work last night, he just flies off into a rage and starts throwing things. So, I cry harder and tell him I'm sorry, but he doesn't care.

So now, we're both sitting here on the couch in silence. I'm not sure if I want to talk to him. Personally I'd like to leave for the day, but I have no where to go. My mom is out of town, and my friend is moving. oh well, i guess I'll sit in silence all day.

Im sorry to hear this is happening mo if he was so bothered about the cleaning why didn't HE do it? Does he expect you to be his maid? The silent treatment is also pretty childish - id treat yourself to a nice day out if you can, go focus on you and enjoy sometime away from the house because it sounds like your self esteem got a bashing. If this problem persists i hope you can find a way to broach the subject with him. Work might be stressful for your husband but we all have our own difficulties and it sounds like he needs to work on being more sensitive. Hope the situation improves, all the best hun

[Leed]

Oh how I remember those days. And I used to want to go somewhere too when he flew off the handle, but usually I was in so much pain, that I wouldn't enjoy going anywhere anyway! So I'd just go lay on the bed and try to get the pain levels down,, until I could get up and CLEAN his precious house! And if he went to bed early, I'd make sure I vacuumed while he was trying to SLEEP. If he hollered about it, I'd just remind him how ANGRY he was that I hadn't cleaned yet.

Two can play the childish games. Maybe he won't do it next time. (I wasn't so lucky)

And by the way -- I NEVER got an apology from my little baby. Not once in 26 years. Needless to say, I divorced the bum. Good luck. Hugs, Lee

[whatbeanbelieved]

Me and my husband had a huge fight last night, b/c I didn't clean yesterday. I felt so crappy all day. I spent most of the evening crying b/c I was in so much pain. Then when he gets home from work last night, he just flies off into a rage and starts throwing things. So, I cry harder and tell him I'm sorry, but he doesn't care.

What's really sort of interesting is that you are attributing the fight to your not having cleaned, and not to that your husband yelled and you cried and could not respond. Your apology probably communicates to him that you HAVE done something wrong. I see a lot of judgement and blame in this whole situation - judgement from him about you, but also judgement from YOU about you. Why apologise? The fact is you were in pain and you chose not to clean. That's that. When we apologise we communicate that we accept guilt - and that is possibly coming from somewhere within us. What about this gives you reason to blame yourself?

I am also not saying you need to blame your husband, actually; I am suggesting that maybe you could look at this without ANY blame. You wer ein pain, you chose not to clean, he came home and chose to yell and throw things, you cried and apologised <--- no blame, just the observation of what happened. No one's wrong and no one's right (because, you see, if you want harmony and connection, blaming or rewarding BOTH are not helpful).

So now, we're both sitting here on the couch in silence. I'm not sure if I want to talk to him. Personally I'd like to leave for the day, but I have no where to go. My mom is out of town, and my friend is moving. oh well, i guess I'll sit in silence all day.

Also, again, this is a choice. You can choose to leave. There are other places you can go. Also, being silent is a choice. The question is: What do you really want? Are you wanting more communication and connection? (In which case, you'd have to look at how one responds and approaches the other.) Or are you wanting more independence, peace and autonomy? (In which case, you'd possibly make a plan and Do something, instead of choosing silence.)

I hope this makes sense. I just think it's really tragic to choose silence because ... I'm not really getting the sense that you WANT to. But if you DO want to stay there silently, I'd ask you what it is you're wanting through the silence? Are you wanting to communicate that you're hurt? Are you wanting attention? Either way, if you're clear about what YOU want, you can do things to get it. You are in charge of your emotions and your needs, just as your husband is in charge of his -- he's using a tragic way of communicating, throwing things around (when who knows what he really wanted - order, efficiency, trust, etc. *shrug*), but you don't have to.

Hi Moreta.

Sorry but your husband is behaving like a spoilt child, If he is so concerned about the cleaning why doesn't he do it? It is hard when we feel low to get motivated, Can you go out for a few hours even if it is just for a walk? Tell him next time to clean up himself

[philbee]

i'm sorry to hear this mo...i hope you and your husband are able to work things out. (((((mo)))))))

[JLarissaDragon]

Moreta, I am so sorry that this happened and that you are going through this. I have been there more than a few times myself and it is not much fun. Whenever I am in a conflict and someone starts yelling it is natural to freeze up and withdraw. It is not really all that different than huddling for safety whenever there is danger.

Yelling and throwing things is pretty scary. Maybe it says a lot more about him and his issues. There is no point in trying to reason when someone is in that state. It is hard to believe that his anger is really about cleaning the house. Most men in general care a lot less about that than we would like to think, I suspect there is something deeper going on with his emotions and the storm you endured is only symptomatic.

When he has time to cool off and regain composure is the time to gently approach the issue and find out what is really going on. FOr me that works a lot better than direct confrontation or subtle retaliation.

Having said that it is easy for me to talk when I am at a difference. It is much harder when you are in the situation. I do hope that you will be able to communicate when the time is right and that this is all going to work out for you

Don't give up. I care for you and am here for support

Hugs -- Larissa

[Moreta]

Well, we're talking again. We haven't talked about last night, and I'm not bringing it up. I'm doing laundry today so he won't say anything. My pain level is about a 7, so that's about the least demanding thing I can do.