[brackenbeard]

so i've been processing the events of last night about a girl i've recently be hanging out with. today i went to my favorite spot: a bench overlooking the lake, and sat down to contemplate...

well i found some clarity. now i think throughout my history with women i've had an issue with intensity. when i like a girl, it's like i want everything now. i want the deep serious connection. i want her to be my valentine right off the bat. i'm well aware this would scare a girl away. but once i like a girl, it becomes difficult for me to proceed without some serious expectations. i want them to like me, and i want to have sex, and i want to share myself, and i want to feel alive, with a woman... and i want it now!

i fantasize about having the joys a relationship might bring. i fantasize about having discussions where i bare myself. i fantasize about a loving relationship. i think this fantasizing is just fantasy. but could this be coming into play?

today i was clear with myself. i'm getting to know this girl, and it's got to come slow. i got to let this breath. it's like, i can't bring all my baggage into this. nor should i want to, right? i can't expect a deep, serious, (phsyical, emotional, spiritual) connection right off the bat. my expectations are much, much, much to high. sometimes I can't really look them in the eye, or hold a conversation. could this be expectations messing with me? this could be just nerves. it's like i'm more confident than this... and i know it. i think with the right understanding here i can relax. do you think managing my expectations will help me relax. i hope it will!

i want to proceed like this: (my expectations) today i want to laugh. today i want to have fun. today i want to forget my problems. i can't expect, like a lightning strike, deeply serious vibes, nor do i want to bring that into this arena. how does that sound for managing expectations?

i'm learning how to be light around women i like, and i'm doing a good job. i'm aware this won't all happen in a couple of times after hanging out. but i want her, and i want to be relaxed, and proceed the right way.

[brackenbeard]

seems like i'm just worrying too much. i had a bad experience with a girl. i got too intense, and she had to push away...

idk man. i just want to have a relationship. seems like i'm overly focused on doing it right. there isn't a right way though.

i just want to enjoy myself, and be comfortable, and have fun. i don't want to have to worry about it all going wrong. i want to enjoy peoples company.

worry, worry, worry...

idk man..

[Jan1212]

It's natural to feel that way but you learn what to do when you date, there's no need to rush

[Leed]

I think you're beginning to understand. You've got to take it slowly, and just be light about it. You're right -- you can't hang out your baggage, and totally open yourself immediately -- that's gonna scare the girl off. She's gonna think you're some kinda nut. But try to keep eye contact -- most women think that's sexy. It can be difficult to do, but try if you can.

Just remember to have fun. That's what it's all about. No pressure, no expectations. Just enjoy yourself and hopefully she will too! Best of luck and keep us posted, ok? Hugs, Lee

[Wyrd One]

I'm the same way... when I like a girl I tend to go "all in". It hasn't been a problem because the last girl I met, who is now my wife, and I just clicked from the first moment. I think we both really liked what we saw and we were just together. I give myself over completely to the other person, mind, body and soul.

Of course now, 11 years later, she's decided maybe she doesn't like me so much after all. Now all that giving was too much and she feels smothered, and trapped. So when this ends I'm going to be back on the dating scene and I know this is going to be a problem area for me too. Best of luck to you. If you can do then there's hope for me yet.

[brackenbeard]

Well I'm giving up. It's too much to think about. I lost sight of clarity. I'm saying "forget the girl, focus on you." I'm not far enough along in recovery to consider letting someone into my life. Though I am doing remarkably well. I'm sort of on the fence, but leaning toward taking more time before I try and get into dating.