[lastyearisblank]

I think we are breaking up.

I've tried and tried but we just don't fit together.

He admitted to me that sometimes when he's angry at the world he just feels like being negative for no reason.

And that any misunderstanding makes him even more angry and upset which he takes out on others without being able to control it.

There are worse vices in the world I guess. But it's killing me always to be so tired and us fighting and never just feel at peace in his presence.

We had a huge fight for the millionth time.

It was because I stood up for this kid on the bus, a kid getting picked on by bullies.

I got home and told him about it and he said I did the wrong thing.

There is no worse thing he really could have said to me that would make me feel with every fiber of my being we do not belong together.

I tried to explain, "don't do that, don't say that." But he wouldn't listen.

He said it wasn't that he was trying to make me feel bad, he just has weird issues about speaking to teenagers.

I felt in my heart that it wasn't that, that he just wanted to see me shot down. Or maybe he was like one of those other people on the bus who just let bullying happen.

But my repeated questions "what do weird issues with teenagers have to do with it?" were met with silence and then anger to the point he was not able to speak. Finally he emailed me apologizing multiple times but for the first time, I didn't want to talk any more.

Then finally today we talked and I spoke to him lovingly and tried to make it better between us like he was doing. He said he was so sorry and it was all his fault and he doesn't know why he does this. But again, I asked, "you didn't really think it was a mistake for me to stand up for that kid, right?" and he said, "no, I already explained, I just don't like teenagers." And so I said, "I still don't understand." And he got angry again.

I don't know.

He says five years ago he would have considered me heroic and brave but life has made him angry. He said he was sorry.

I was so emotional and so upset. I asked him if we can start thinking about going back to being just friends. The truth is I know I should just deal with it but I CAN'T.

He said that we should do couples therapy.

I don't know but I know the time that I spend worrying could be taken up with love, peace and comfort. I have a pretty stressful life and I spend a lot of time, up to half the time we spend together, fighting about these little things, his constant irritability and my constant sense of wanting something better in life and fantasies of us just not being together, which makes me SO GUILTY.

I don't know what is wrong with me. Maybe a little bit him too.

We may try couples therapy but I know in my heart that people don't change unless they really want to.

[Leed]

You know -- I think you answered your own question -- you said you were "Fantasizing about you just not being together." I think that's a good idea.

I don't think the two of you SHOULD be together. He has some huge issues with anger, and some day it's going to come to a head and you just might get hurt. Are YOU a part of that anger? Who knows cause he's not telling. He definitely needs INDIVIDUAL counseling. You two could go to couples counseling but I don't think it would do any good, He needs to go FIRST all by himself. I'm not even sure that YOU NEED it.

Sweetie, why don't you two take a long break from each other while he gets some counseling? You need some space to think about this since you've been dreaming about being without him anyway. See what it's like and then make up your mind. But right now things just aren't right.

I wish you the very best. Wll you PLEASE let me know how you come out? I'd really like to know. God bless and take care. Hugs, Lee

Your last sentence adequately summed things up - your husband has to want to be a better person, a better partner, for any kind of therapy to work. I may be wrong but you don't sound terribly keen on the idea of couples therapy - theres nothing wrong with this, nor is fantasizing about splitting up, it simply means you have to sit down with yourself once and for all and decide whether this is something still worth pursuing. Do you still love this man? Do you think that if you were both to undergo couples therapy you would be able to match each others energy and determination? I agree with Leed in that its a good idea for your partner to seek individual help for his anger issues - he can't keep taking it out on you, you sound fed up and exhausted as it is, so its obvious you won't be able to tolerate such behaviour forever. I hope this situation resolves positively. If you strongly feel deep down that you want to stay or go then commit to that and work on building the courage to carry out your plans. If couples therapy isn't an option maybe seek some counselling yourself so that you can work through how you feel and come to a better understanding of what it is you want. All the best.

[lastyearisblank]

Thank you Leeds and bb2023 for your generous and thoughtful responses and the advice about couple's therapy which we are taking.

He came back from a long trip yesterday to our house. We have been doing normal things, me mostly working and not staying in the house. We went to dinner with only a small sign of unrest/conflict. He agreed to see a therapist but I think he wanted me to go to a relationship therapist with him, for the two of us. This thread really got me thinking that maybe his individual therapist would be a good place for him to start. He has had pretty bad impulse control issues since teen hood and went to see this guy briefly. Why not continue?

The thing is in my heart I knew if our relationship gets too disruptive we have to break up and at least this could force a change for him. Before he came home I was resigned it was over. But then he came home and was affectionate. So I am giving him the love I need to give. But I feel awful at the same time insisting he change, and afraid of his temper too if I bring it up too much. I don't actually feel comfortable that the issue was resolved even though supposedly it will. I wish he would be the one to be talking about couple's therapy, arranging it, and looking forward to fixing these issues.

Anyhow, sorry for rambling! Things are just sort of in between right now. We need to fix our communication issues for sure.

[jessiespade]

Originally Posted by Leed

You know -- I think you answered your own question -- you said you were "Fantasizing about you just not being together." I think that's a good idea.

I don't think the two of you SHOULD be together. He has some huge issues with anger, and some day it's going to come to a head and you just might get hurt. Are YOU a part of that anger? Who knows cause he's not telling. He definitely needs INDIVIDUAL counseling. You two could go to couples counseling but I don't think it would do any good, He needs to go FIRST all by himself. I'm not even sure that YOU NEED it.

Sweetie, why don't you two take a long break from each other while he gets some counseling? You need some space to think about this since you've been dreaming about being without him anyway. See what it's like and then make up your mind. But right now things just aren't right.

I wish you the very best. Wll you PLEASE let me know how you come out? I'd really like to know. God bless and take care. Hugs, Lee

I think that no one is in the position to tell someone in a relationship whether they SHOULD NOT or SHOULD be together. You do not know their background, experiences or what they have gone through together.

Suggesting that a couple take a break may bring them closer or break the relationship, given that there are already negative feelings now. And if the guy has abandonment issues, it is the most painful thing that you can do to him.

He suggested couple therapy. That is a positive start. Why refuse to even give him that chance to make things better?

Bottomline is, do you love him? Do you think he loves you? If he has personality issues due to some stuff from the past, he is ILL. It is his illness that is causing pain for BOTH of you. He is in pain too, or he wont be affectionate to you again. Understanding and support for his condition goes a long way.