[Poil_07]

I think pretty much the ladies have a unanimous take on what is cheating, infidelity, dishonesty and down right unworthy of our respect.

So it's been hard for me to process and cope with the issues I have with my boyfriend because I simply don't understand why he did what he did.

Call me nuts but, I want to rationalize his actions. Rationalize not justify.

What he did is still hurtful and a betrayal of my trust. But I think I want to understand why. I'm asking your opinion because we have tried talking about it but it turns into a fight or he simply tells me he doesn't want to talk about it.

99.9% of the women who know my story would support me and agree that what he did was awful and about almost the same percentage would tell me of course to leave him.

But what do the guys out there really think. Please give me a (sorry for the lack of a better term) no BS answer. I really want to know the male side of this issue.

So here's the story.

I found out that my boyfriend cheated on me. He said it was just fellatio nothing more, with just 1 girl. But it almost lead to the whole 9 yards with 2 other girls.

When I found out I was furious and crushed. At first he denied it but when I showed him the evidence he admitted it. We talked and I forgave him.

Cliche as it may sound... I forgave but never forgotten what happened. I feel traumatized and this is affecting our relationship.

It's been almost 6 months since I found out but it still feels fresh.

To make matters worse I recently caught him with porn on his phone. He knows that I don't like porn and that I don't want him watching it. I was abused by my ex, who did things to me he saw on porn. My ex even crashed my laptop because of whatever virus the porn he downloaded came with.

So... It's traumatizing for me... It's like my boyfriend is traveling to the same path like my ex did. I'm afraid that he'll become a pervert too.

We're not as intimate as we used to be because he's tired or he doesn't have time or he's not in the mood. So why does he have porn?

It's been hard that I barely trust him. But I stayed because my love for him is greater than my need to trust him. But I've been distant after the porn incident. I don't know how do I stay with a man I love who is starting to lose my respect.

So guys any thoughts on how do I get pass this or at least please help me rationalize what happened.

Thanks in advance.

[Poil_07]

It might be worst than I thought..

Before and because of the issues of cheating my boyfriend and I share passwords. Well I get his to monitor him, I give him mine because I forget all the time...

He went out to dinner with his family because it was his parents anniversary, but when I asked him about it he was giving me replies and questions not related to what I asked.

Every time I'd feel something is wrong I get tummy aches and if something is really really wrong I become nauseated and even have diarrhea. Sorry.. I did have the latter.. So my next instinct or impulse was to go to his FB account.

And there I found that he was searching for this FB account that is for perverts and for people who engaged in casual sex.

I am absolutely horrified and disgusted!

But I want to save my relationship. Other than the cheating, lying and this he is a good man. No other person has been accepting, supportive and understanding of all the things I went through. This is a man I intend to marry. We are engaged. I want things to work. Frankly at the moment he's all I really have.

I really can't think straight right now. I don't know what to do..

All I know is I love him and I want to make things work. I want to help him if this is a problem. I'm his partner and I'm not going to give up.

Please help me.. Please suggest what I can do to save our relationship..

Thanks!

A lot of people think that settling with someone so they are not lonely is better. I still think people will be just as lonely even if they stay with them. Sorry.

You say you want to save the relationship. There isn't a relationship when a person cheats on their SO, whether it's a gf, bf, wife or husband it doesn't matter, cheating removes the trust from the relationship and makes it very difficult for the other person to truly trust them again. Thing is, if he's capable of cheating on you and interested in casual sex then he needs to be single. You can't have a gf and expect to keep your casual sex life too. it just doesn't work that way. I think very lowly of men that are capable of what this guy did. He said it was just fellatio. wtf? Sex, oral, or intercourse or foreplay is all the same, still cheating as much as the rest. I don't get the mentality that if you just did oral.. that it's not sex or cheating. That's the lamest excuse Ive ever heard. Heck if he just kissed her he cheated on you. Period, no two ways about it. That's bullsh!t.

As for you, You have every right to still be reserved about it. Sometimes this can take years to get over. He betrayed you in the worst way possible. Even if he were remorseful, repentant and did everything he could to regain your trust and prove he was faithful to you from here on out, I guarantee it would take you a long time to get over.

I commend you for trying to forgive him but don't be a doormat. If he is continuing or even wants to brush this off as a small thing, I think you can do better than this guy. There are plenty of guys out there that would be faithful and true, they are just not as obvious as the ones wanting casual relationships because they are careful and look for the right one for them so tend to wait instead of flaunting themselves or throwing themselves at the world looking for a mate.

Hang in there. My heart goes out to you, because I've been there and been cheated on too. *many hugs*

Originally Posted by Poil_07

All I know is I love him and I want to make things work. I want to help him if this is a problem. I'm his partner and I'm not going to give up.

Please help me.. Please suggest what I can do to save our relationship..

Thanks!

I'm sure you do. but... The only one that can help him is HIM. This is not a problem, something like a drug to stop being addicted, it's a choice. If he's incapable of making a choice to be faithful, how can you trust he's in control of himself enough to be worthy of you being in his life?

[Jan1212]

How long have u been togther for? youre engage but, dont rush your life. do things when both of you are ready and settled. dont settle then solve. ou said he is the only onein your life right now. He isn't I just have more hope for you than you think you have in being truly happy. Communication is important, if he can't talk about and gets mad, there is a damaging underlying issue for him and it effects you too I'm sorry I can't help and tell you what to do but a relationship needs mutual trust and honesty

[Harley47]

Hi there. I hope I can help.

In regards to what you're asking in the topic title, as a guy, my definition of cheating is ANY sort of inappropriate ("inappropriate" defined as a relationship or action not compatible with a monogamous relationship) attachment to an outside source, be it emotional or sexual. I think fellatio well outside of what is considered "appropriate," and is thus cheating. I also believe that unless there is expressed consent between both partners, there shouldn't be pornography in a relationship. I don't chalk porn itself up as cheating, but I think it's a gross disrespect of you for him to be looking for that behind your back. Of course, I don't think there's a need for me to pass judgement on the Facebook. I am so sorry.

That being said, I know you love him, and I know you want advice on how to salvage things. I'm not sure what I can offer you there Poil...I think it's better to end this now than to marry him and go through this as husband and wife. It is better to be "alone" (which I'd offer you, you're not alone...being single sucks, Lord knows I know that, but there's always people out there) now than it is to be with someone you can't trust. For what it's worth, I've tried, and it was the most hellish period of my life I can paint for you. Granted, circumstances were significantly different, but the fundamental stays the same. You don't want this for yourself.

I am sorry I could not offer you the advice you were seeking. However, for this, I feel it better to be honest than to sugar coat the matter and potentially usher you into unhappiness. Please forgive me if I seemed overly blunt or harsh. That was not my intention.

Please know I'm praying for you, and I wish you my best.

Hugs,
Harley

[Scotty204]

In my opinion cheating is the worst thing anyone can do to their partner. I do believe in the saying "once a cheater always a cheater" as I myself was cheated on once. If I were in your position I would be saying goodbye have a nice life.

Originally Posted by Scotty204

In my opinion cheating is the worst thing anyone can do to their partner. I do believe in the saying "once a cheater always a cheater" as I myself was cheated on once. If I were in your position I would be saying goodbye have a nice life.

I'd leave out the "have a nice life though" lol

[Leed]

I know you said men only, but I agree with the statement "once a cheater, always a cheater." -- especially since you forgave him. Now he knows how easy it is to get away with it. You're always going to forgive him, in HIS mind. He KNOWS you're SO in love with him, so he thinks he's got it made. He can cheat, and come home and if he gets caught, he'll apologize all over the place, and you'll forgive him! Boy what a set up!! He couldn't be happier! And of course he has his porn too. And where does all this leave YOU?

That leaves you at home, heart-sick. And that's going to be your life, if you stick with this guy. You deserve SO much better than this. You deserve someone who RESPECTS you, and right now you have a guy who DOESN'T. If he respected you he would NOT be looking at porn at all -- at least not in your home! If he respected you, he never would have cheated at ALL. You deserve a loving and caring man, someone who puts you number ONE -- it seems that porn is number one to him.

Find someone who loves YOU and ONLY YOU. This guy doesn't. God bless and please take care. Prayers coming your way. Hugs, Lee