[NinaNina]

Background: I've been with my boyfriend for a little over a year. We have had lots of issues in the past with him getting loaded often and making stupid decisions that really hurt my feelings. We worked through it, and the past 4 or 5 months have been good. He's acted a lot better and more respectful, and stopped getting drunk all the time. We've been good, in love, and happy.

Last night I reminded him about the fact that I was house sitting this weekend, and asked it he was going to come stay with me. He said one night yes, but the other night one of his friends/co-workers was having a party for "us" (meaning the guys from work). I have that friend on Facebook, so I already knew that him and a female friend of his are throwing a big birthday bash this weekend where they're all getting loaded and going bar hopping. I would definitely not be comfortable with my boyfriend going to this party without me because of his history with drinking, especially going out to the bar.

Instead of calmly talking about it, I jumped right in and blurted "that bday party where they're all getting loaded and going downtown? No way in hell are you going." He looked very taken aback and said that he didn't know that's what it was, he thought it was just the guys. I realized how terrible and controlling I had just sounded, so I apologized for sounding like a b****, but said I didn't think it was a good idea.

He was obviously pissed and I think a little hurt with how I had reacted, and said "he got the point." I apologized again, and said that I'm sure since it will be a big party we could both go if he wanted to go, but he said he didn't want to talk about it.

The next hour or so we remained mostly quiet, he was obviously in a bad mood and I was upset.

I finally spoke up, saying I was really sorry for how I had reacted. I was pretty well in tears (sounds like a silly thing to be crying about I know-but things have been so good, and I've been trying so hard to trust him, that I just truly felt terrible). He finally softened his expression and tone and told me not to worry about it, he didn't care. The rest of the evening was fine.

My issue now is I still feel a little bad. But also, he mentioned he still may only stay with me this weekend on Friday night, and stay home Saturday night, which is fine with me, except that now I'm worried that he will just go to the party anyways and not tell me. I know I should trust him and not worry about it, but every once in a while, in certain situations, I still find trusting him really hard, and then I get anxious.

Sorry for the novel...any comments or advice?

Thanks

[Leed]

Hi Nina ~ I"m sorry you feel badly about this and had a little blip over it. But has he EVER given you reason to doubt him? Has he ever cheated on you? Have you ever found questionable numbers on his phone? Have women ever called him & talked with him? Have you ever found numbers in his pocket or anything? Do you have ANY reason at all to doubt him? If the answer is no, then why not let him go?

I realize you dont' like him getting drunk, and I wouldn't either. Alcohol is dangerous -- I should know, as I'm a recovering alcoholic. If he keeps drinking like this, he could cross that invisible line into alcoholism. But the question is TRUST. Why don't you trust him?

Does this have to do with previous relationships where someone cheated on you? Are you expecting HIM to cheat on you too like previous BF's did? If he hasn't given you any reason to doubt him, don't judge him before the crime has been committed. Leave the sentencing until afterwards. God bless & take care. Hugs, Lee

[NinaNina]

Thank you for your reply Lee

Yes- he has given me reason in the past to doubt him. Drunken inappropriate texting conversations with other females. He IS an alcoholic, he IS getting help to get better. Despite everything, I did make the choice to stay with him and continue the relationship. He has made positive efforts towards his alcoholism and improving my trust.

[Leed]

Hi Nina ~ Then I completely understand your disappointment in his going to ANY bar or party with alcohol. He doesn't seem to be committed to getting sober, does he!

Is he going to AA? If not, perhaps he should. He'd have a sponsor he could call when he got the urge to drink, plus a call list if his sponsor wasn't available. Perhaps AA isn't for him. There are other organizations that deal with alcoholism. I hope he's not trying to do this on his own, or with the help of a "friend."

If he really wants to get sober, he cannot have ONE DRINK. Not one. But I don't think he has surrendered yet. I really don't think he wants to get sober for HIM. He can't do it for YOU or for your relationship or anyone else.

It sounds like your biggest problem is his drinking Nina, and I really don't know what to tell you. If he isn't going to stop drinking, you have two choices --- stay with him and continue watching him kill himself with this alcohol, and do inappropriate things, or leave and find someone else who won't treat you like this, but treat you as you DESERVE to be treated. With respect and honor. Personally, after living with an alcoholic, I would take the latter. God bless Nina, and my prayers are with you. Big hugs, Lee

[NinaNina]

I know and agree with all you have just said.

To clear up one minor point, when he originally said he was going to his friend's thinking it was just the guys, he did not realize it was a big drinking party involving going to the bar- and I do believe that that was his knowledge.

He is not doing it himself, and says its for him as much as anyone else. I know the issue is drinking- its when he drinks that I cannot trust him.

Thanks again Lee