[ElisaB]

I find myself at the mother of forks in the road!! I've never been a terribly indecisive person, but lately I seem to just doubt myself in every single situation. I;m completely overwhelmed and stressed, unmedicated and forced to face more major decision that I think I'm prepatred to deal with. Then this weekend someone mentions menopause... WTF?!?! I haven't gotten a handle on this now I have to worry about menopause?? It's just not right.
Anyway, as you may know we've been forced to move about 400 miles away from where we are due to ****** family, financial and employment issues. My husband tells me we should be excited, but I can't help to be worried, stressed, and anxious. I feel like we're running away, that we failed. It doesn't help that he's been a jerk!! More and more often, but then he says it's just me, my perception of the situation. I get it, I'm unstable, but not like that! He screams at me and talks to me like I'm an idiot and I'm the one taking it the wrong way? It's not bad enough I can't go to the store, cause I never get anything right! I never get what he wants, if I assume it's because I assumed, if I ask it's because I asked... I can't win!! Drive all night, come at 6 am, I'm sleepy, I can't help that I don't remember where I'm going? I'm tired! I miss a turn and it's the end of the world... "what are you thinking?".. "how can you not know where you are?". However, on the ride back he miscalculates a distance and it's not a big deal, if I do it, I'm an idiot!! I just don't know any more. Been married for so long, but I don't think it's supposed to be this way! He gets so exasperated with me, so frustrated at the slightest thing. I know he's stressed, but don't take it out on me... I can't take it! Between the move, the kids' school, cleaning two houses, having estate and moving sales, packing all by myself ALL before November 15th?? I don't know if it's frickin' worth it any more! I told him I think I need to go back on the Lamictal, at least... he says nah! But when he *****ed at me the other day, why did I snap at a kid or why was I sad, I asked him if he remembered what I have is an illness.... no response! He just thinks I get in these moods just for the hell of it, that I WANT to be in a bad mood, or sad, or overwhelmed! I don't know if being with someone like that is good for anyone... I don't know if what I think is right?! I don't trust my thoughts any more.

[Leed]

Dear Elisa -- Right now, you're totally overwhelmed with everything and it's not a good time to assess if you need medication or not. This would overwhelm anyone! Are you like this during NORMAL times? Are you sad and depressed then? Do you have highs and lows then? Do you snap at people when you're not overwhelmed? If you can answer yes to these questions, then perhaps you do need medication. You should see your doctor about this, and have a talk. Are you seeing a therapist? Probably not since you're in the process of moving

Your husband doesn't seem like much help either. He sounds like my ex. I couldn't do anything right either. It drove me nuts. How about marriage counseling -- do you think he would go? It would certainly do you both some good. Perhaps when things settle down, you could mention it to him, huh? I hope he will agree to it.

I wish you the very best, and good luck with your move. I'm sorry you're not more enthused about it. Maybe if you get on medication, you'll feel better about it. Best of luck & keep us posted. God bless. Hugs, Lee

[LadyShadow]

I am sorry you are going through so much right now. Maybe it is because you are overwhelmed that you are going crazy and tempers are flaring. Leed is very right in her suggestions, I think you should listen to some of them.

I hope things do calm down for you soon. I think its all just too much at once. See your doctor if you can squeeze it in somewhere, maybe the Lamictal will help with it.

[shezbut]

(((Elisa)))

I am sorry that you've been having such a tough time since your move from Florida. Getting back onto a medication probably will help a bit ~ as would seeing a T, to help you think through things more clearly.

It sure can seem as though men just don't understand the way that a woman's mind works. HTH did menopause get thrown in there? Yes, menopause often causes forgetfulness, hot flashes, and some emotional upheaval. But, it sounds like they are blaming YOU for feeling the way that you do. If you're experiencing "the change", that there explains it & no one else has had a negative impact. Know what I mean? It's like they're putting all of the responsibility on your shoulders and not holding any responsibility themselves. Well, that's not the way that it happens in life.

Your hub certainly sees a difference in your level of happiness. That's a fact. It would be really nice if he spent some time trying to come up with ways in which he could help you get through this time ~ so it isn't so stressful and unhappy. Offerring a neck and shoulder rubdown or a shoulder to cry on. He could reassure you, when others seem to be jumping on you for being touchy. Giving you hugs, or holding your hand reassuringly. He could say, "Yeah, maybe you should get back in to see a pDoc." Yet, he isn't doing any of these things (as far as I can see). So, take some of this heavy responsibility that you're feeling off your back!

I would recommend being more firm with your hub. Tell him that you are really unhappy ~ you need help, and you're going in to see a pDoc. If he tries to argue with you, simply tell him once that this is what you need. You deserve to get what you need & let it go.

Gentle hugs to you. Try imagining yourself in a relaxing spot for a couple of minutes. Take a few slow, deep breaths. It's bright outside, but not too bright. You can see the sunny, blue sky above you. All around you... you can feel the warm sunlight on your skin; a nice light breeze blowing through your hair; the sound of water trickling through a creek bed ~ a small bed of rocks waddling as the water runs across them; you can smell the pine in the air; and hear birds chirping in the trees and near the water. Take another slow, deep breath. And another. Then, you slowly come back to where you are now. Hopefully, you will feel a little more calm. More relaxed. (The place I described is one of my absolute favorite places to go!! )

Originally Posted by shezbut

(((Elisa)))

I am sorry that you've been having such a tough time since your move from Florida. Getting back onto a medication probably will help a bit ~ as would seeing a T, to help you think through things more clearly.

It sure can seem as though men just don't understand the way that a woman's mind works. HTH did menopause get thrown in there? Yes, menopause often causes forgetfulness, hot flashes, and some emotional upheaval. But, it sounds like they are blaming YOU for feeling the way that you do. If you're experiencing "the change", that there explains it & no one else has had a negative impact. Know what I mean? It's like they're putting all of the responsibility on your shoulders and not holding any responsibility themselves. Well, that's not the way that it happens in life.

Your hub certainly sees a difference in your level of happiness. That's a fact. It would be really nice if he spent some time trying to come up with ways in which he could help you get through this time ~ so it isn't so stressful and unhappy. Offerring a neck and shoulder rubdown or a shoulder to cry on. He could reassure you, when others seem to be jumping on you for being touchy. Giving you hugs, or holding your hand reassuringly. He could say, "Yeah, maybe you should get back in to see a pDoc." Yet, he isn't doing any of these things (as far as I can see). So, take some of this heavy responsibility that you're feeling off your back!

I would recommend being more firm with your hub. Tell him that you are really unhappy ~ you need help, and you're going in to see a pDoc. If he tries to argue with you, simply tell him once that this is what you need. You deserve to get what you need & let it go.

Gentle hugs to you. Try imagining yourself in a relaxing spot for a couple of minutes. Take a few slow, deep breaths. It's bright outside, but not too bright. You can see the sunny, blue sky above you. All around you... you can feel the warm sunlight on your skin; a nice light breeze blowing through your hair; the sound of water trickling through a creek bed ~ a small bed of rocks waddling as the water runs across them; you can smell the pine in the air; and hear birds chirping in the trees and near the water. Take another slow, deep breath. And another. Then, you slowly come back to where you are now. Hopefully, you will feel a little more calm. More relaxed. (The place I described is one of my absolute favorite places to go!! )

I agree with shez for the most part, but won't make this a gender specific problem. I think it's just when the other person doesn't understand for some reason the problems and challenges their partner faces. Thing is, I had a wife the same way about my bpd. she never accepted it fully. Knew I had it but still blamed me for some of the things I would do when emotionally over-taxed. I do think he could be more understanding. You do need to make him understand what's going on but also I agree that it may not be a time for you to assess whether you need meds or not. Maybe you do because of the situation more than anything. You never know.

Another thing I might add, that is somewhat gender specific is that he may be overwhelmed too and perhaps everything happening is amplified on both ends. Could this be a possiblity? I mean maybe he's this way always but could it be that you're both overwhelmed with the changes coming? Thing about what I do know about men is that they dont' always let on how things really are overwhelming them sometimes and they can just shut off and then at some point the proverbial pot boils over and it comes out as critical, yelling and irritability at those around them. No, it's not an excuse, it's just something to consider from his side of things too. It's not ok to be critical of you nor yelling at you but.. it seems like you mentioning that your moods are causing you to do the same.

In summary I think there are things you both need to do to get through this. You should consider your mental illness or disorder, getting therapy or meds to help you cope, and he needs to be more understanding.

Hope this helps *hugs*

[ElisaB]

Thanks you guys! Really helpful. See, I know he's stressed. I completely understand. It's frustrating that I have to have all sorts of control over MY emotions but when I falter I get yelled at. He's like this a lot, this isn't the first time we've had this conversation. I wish he'd remember, but he never does and that's SOOOO frustrating. I gave him the example of when he yelled at me when I made the wrong turn and he didn't remember... that was less than a month ago. I'd go to my doc if I could. I lost my job and insurance with it. I stopped the meds cause we couldn't afford them, but I guess we'll just be broke cause I think I'm needing the Lamictal. At least, I'm hoping that's what it is and I hope it'll help cause I'm starting to not stand myself more than usual!!
We've gone to marriage counseling before, but he says they're quacks and just doesn't listen to them. I'm at the point where I just want to disappear, go away. He'll take the kids if I say I'm leaving or getting a divorce because of my mental issues, so I'd have to abandon my kids, which I can't do!
Although I'm not currently going through menopause, I'm not excited about the prospect. I have enough issues as it is, I don't need them to be magnified. I was shocked to be reminded of the fact that I will go through it and my husband saying I was a mess now. It's sad. Made me so angry and yet I had to bottle it all in front of people he knows.
This can't be as good as it gets! It just can't and I'm stuck in it. Feel completely helpless and stuck, neither of which is a good feeling. I wish he would hug me. He doesn't. And when I make him hug me, it's awkward and not very soothing. This is not why I married. I thought he would be there for me and he couldn't be more missing if he tried. I try so hard to be there for him and he's not there for me or understand what it's like to feel the way I do sometimes, without any reason or ability to simply "get over it" or "put on a happy face".... if I could, I would!! Yet, he hasn't packed a single box, just gives me a disapproving look when he gets home after work and I've gotten two boxes packed cause my 2-year old hasn't stopped all day!! It makes me so mad to be so weak right now and not have him to say "it's ok, we'll get through this together" instead of "what's wrong with you? can't you just snap out of it already?"
I want to disappear so MAYBE he'll see/feel what it's like to NOT have me. Even then, I don't think he'd care much!

[Leed]

Just a question, but what would happen if you were more FIRM with husband? What would happen if you TOLD him "I need more HELP!!" Meaniing with the packing, with the kids, etc. Would it end up in a screaming match, would he yell & holler at you and berate you? Would he be surprised that you got FIRM with him? Do you think that for ONCE he'd actually help you? Or is it a lost cause?

Just wondering. Sometimes if we do something out of character, we spur them into action. LOL Big hugs, Lee

[ElisaB]

Originally Posted by Leed

Just a question, but what would happen if you were more FIRM with husband? What would happen if you TOLD him "I need more HELP!!" Meaniing with the packing, with the kids, etc. Would it end up in a screaming match, would he yell & holler at you and berate you? Would he be surprised that you got FIRM with him? Do you think that for ONCE he'd actually help you? Or is it a lost cause?

Just wondering. Sometimes if we do something out of character, we spur them into action. LOL Big hugs, Lee

Unfortunately, I've tried it ALL! If I'm firm with him he throws in my face that he works and I'm unemployed therefor I need to do it all! Nevermind that in the 10 years I was employed he'd skip from job where he was unemployed for months at a time and I still did everything AND worked! If I were to bring it up, it would end the same. It would start with what I said above then move into screaming when I would tell him it didn't matter, I still needed help. I've told him recently, I can't pack this whole house by myself, pack and clean the new place, and do the moving sale and do it all... I just can't! I try. One day last week, he was very understanding... surprised the hell out of me. But this week he's back to I have to do it all in 8 days when we move... gotta have the moving sale this weekend, by myself, while he works. Just tired. Worst yet, after we move, then it'll be all ME unpacking it as well... but only able to put things where he wants them. I have no opinion or say in anything "WE" do (which is him, his decision, do what he wants). I just can't continue this way. This is not who I am!

[Leed]

Well, this will be YOUR HOUSE TOO. If you don't want something someplace, tell him to stick it where the sun don't shine! Enough is enough. He is ABUSING YOU in case you didn't notice. Emotional and verbal abuse is just the same as physical abuse, and it LASTS longer than physical abuse!!! I just would NOT take it any longer!! I'd tell him either he HELPS me or the darn boxes STAY unpacked!!! Then I'd grab some mattresses for the kids and myself, and sleep on the floor.

Or better yet, I'd take the kids and leave, if you have money or a credit card. This man is an abusive jerk. He doesn't help you at all, he doesn't respect you, and he doesn't appreciate you. He treats you like a slave, only there to answer to his beck and call.

I'm sorry Elisa, but this irritates me to no end. I lived like this for too many years, and to see someone else living like it just breaks my heart. I wish you the best. Take care Elisa. God bless. Hugs, Lee