Friends

Friends. Never something I've had a lot of. And I just realized that I spent the entire weekend essentially in my room. OK, I've been sick with the flu, so maybe I can convince myself that I'm not a complete and total loser. But no calls? And this is really just one of many, many weekends that I spend completely alone, even when I'm not sick... and that I don't think I've had anyone call me since I moved here...

This is one of those times where I feel like I've been lied to by everyone. It seems like if I put in some effort into making friends then I should get some kind of result. Three years ago my Agoraphobia/Social Anxiety was so bad that I couldn't even get the mail. Now I'm living in a completely different country, on a completely different continent, going to bars and concerts and cafes and traveling all on my own, talking to all the people I can. Probably not as often as other 20 year-olds, but still. However, I can't help but wondering: what was all the stupid work for to cope, manage, and even overcome some of my anxiety when I still have no friends? And all the years of therapy, and being told that there's nothing wrong with me as a person, and I was perfectly likable, but a person can't have friends if they never leave the house. But after all this time, and still nothing's changed... I can't help but to feel that I was unfortunately right all along, that there is just something about me that is completely detestable, and this is why I was so anxious back then--why go out when rejection is inevitable and so humiliating?

I'm just so tired of working all the time, and this is something so many others seem to do almost effortlessly, yet I have struggled so much; I can remember when talking to the clerk at the grocery store was such a big deal, when such a social encounter had to be planned days in advance and that would be the only person I'd talk to for the whole week... and it is still such an effort, every day... But what does that matter? And why did I have to pay these therapists to tell me lies for 3 years, and worse, to even start to believe it? How could I be so stupid?

I'm sorry for the stupid pity party, I'm just so frustrated, and I suddenly realized that I'm just as lonely now as I was then, and am terrified of that loneliness, of that hell I put myself in back then... I talk to people, meet people, yet still have no one I can call a friend... Maybe I just have to stick with the therapists and accept that I must pay someone to be a friend to me... Too bad I'm totally broke.

Social anxiety can do that to people. I had it in my mid teens and it lasted for about 2 years so I know how it can be. I don't think anybody should be alone or feel lonely as it's one of the worst feelings to go through. If you need someone to talk to I'm here

I have a major challenge with meeting people so you're not alone. Pretty much I have acquaintences in real life only but zero real friends. Online I have plenty of friends but although that helps, it's not the same. One of the complaints my ex had about me was that I wasn't social enough. Well now I too am alone. Although for the most part I have some contentment, there's a need there to meet people so I feel for you, I know what it's like. I've realized though even though I talk to many people IRL, I dont' really "invite them in" what I mean is, I keep them at a distance and there's still a very thick line drawn in the sand that I can talk to people through but they are prevented from really coming to my side. There's a such thing as being sociable without really going far enough to make real friends and for me, that's how it is. Could that be you too?

It's hard if you are just going to work and back home; you do have to get out there, have an interest that attracts others with that interest. What do you envision in a friend? Why would you choose them? If you like music, say, you have to go to where there is music to meet others who like music! If you like to read, go to events at the library, join their Friends of the Library group and meet other people interested in books or go to a reading at Barnes & Noble by a particular artist, join a reading group (often at your library), etc. You have to get around people you want to be around (which, presumably is more than just you and the people you work with?). Is there anything you like to do and anyone at work you could ask to try it with you? I was afraid to go to community classes alone and really wanted to go to a cooking class so made a friend go with me :-) Find a coworker that seems shy or in your similar shoes and suggest doing something you like to do in exchange for helping them go do something they like to do?

Thanks for the replies everyone.

I'm in a kind of strange situation I suppose, and honestly I'm not sure why I didn't think of the difficulties of having a language barrier before I moved here, where English is not the main spoken language. So many people assured me that "everyone" in Europe--especially Western Europe--speaks English, they all learn it in school; well, despite that absolutely NOT being the case, many people are unwilling to say anything at all in English or just know enough to help direct you places. So before I can even get into common interests, the whole, "can I actually understand you?" issue comes up.

But I suppose this also has a benefit of really, really making me go out, and working hard to find English speaking people. And I have definitely met some, and I have a good time for those brief hours when I'm out, but as soon as I go home the isolation just starts over again. And I think you're right, s4ndm4n2006, that I don't open up very easily, and that's because I don't want to scare people off. I made the mistake of being honest with my college roommate and she actually switched dorms because I was "crazy." So I just act goofy and over-the-top and try to make people laugh and generally degrade and humiliate myself in the process to some extent. I know it's stupid to go out and act like this and then turn around and complain that no one takes me seriously, but honestly I'm unsure of any other way to even get my foot in the door in social situations.

I'm really just very surprised to find myself feeling just as lonely now--when I actually GO places and TALK to people--as I was in my darkest days 3 years ago. But I'm sure there's a whole host of things I'm doing wrong without even realizing it...