[Yoda]

It has been tradition for much of the 2+ decades that I have lived on my farm to invite my family to spend several days here before Thanksgiving when deer season begins. My dad, brother, brother-in-law and a nephew have come, sometimes just dad.

My dad and I have never been close and he has always intimidated me. He has made remarks about me needing to step up the house cleaning and that was before it got really bad.

And it seems he does not want me at his house for whatever reason. It is five hours drive to his house so we don't visit often but my son and I always did visit for a few days at Christmas until recently. It has been 3 years since I have gone to his house and at least as long since he has been here. Last time I saw him was 2 years ago at a funeral.

Apparently dad and his wife are having marital problems. (wife #5) I called earlier this year and his wife told me she had taken all she could and she was about ready to pack her bags and divorce him. She also said she wasn't the one who had not wanted us to visit during Christmas recently.

I am now in a panic because my house is level 4 squalor. I just realized how soon deer season starts (he would arrive this Sunday) and it would take much energy to even get to level 2 which is what I would feel I MUST do to avoid reprimand.

I tried to phone a girl who used to help me clean and we talked a bit but she was on her cell and got cut off. I don't like to call when her son/husband are with her so haven't called because of the weekend/holiday.

In a recent email my brother asked if I had had talked to dad recently and commented, "it is a pretty messed up situation over there". So I don't know what is happening. I've tried twice to call my brother and left voice mail, not sure phone number is same so I sent an email this evening asking him to call me.

I don't feel well. I guess I don't look well because I have had 4 people comment asking me if I was having trouble breathing in the past couple weeks. Even a restaurant server. Yeah I have asthma, I am used to having trouble breathing. Because of the asthma I can only work in short spurts to declutter my house.

I am afraid maybe my dad will actually want to come down to get away from his wife. I could put up with him except that I don't know if I can do much to the house. My son bagged several bags of trash this weekend. I only did one.

I used to cook homemade meals and desserts and all but still have not found where the "organizer, yeah right " hid my main cookbook that was ALWAYS beside the stove.

I swear I am almost ready to call my psychiatrist and beg to admit me to the hospital for two days just so I have sufficient reason to tell dad why he cannot come down.

Help!

[roads]

If he hasn't been to see you or wanted you to visit him, even domestic trouble won't necessarily drive him to you. If he's on Wife Five, he's pretty good at driving them away.

Did he just show up when he came before? Would you have the opportunity to say, "No, I'm not well. I don't want company"? Do you really need to be in hospital to say that?

Sorry to hear about your asthma. I come from a family of severe asthmatics and suffer a bit from it too. Having asthma can lead to shallow breathing which leads to anxiety and depression problems.

It sounds like you are not emotionally up to having your dad visit. If you can email your brother then you can also email you dad. I suggest you email him with an excuse and cancel the pre-Thanksgiving deer hunt.

Sounds like you need a plan with maintaining the house. My mother suffers from depression and crazy expectations and her house is always a disaster. Most importantly, though, a cluttered house is full of dust and that is very bad for asthmatics. You will feel better physically (and emotionally too) if you have a clean home. I apologize if this suggestion comes across as a lecture - it's not meant in that fashion. I wish you all the best!

[notz]

Yoda, I'm sure it would be nice to have a visit with your dad. If your place isn't as presentable as you would like for it to be then is it worth the anxiety?

Unguy is right about the dust and your asthma. If people are asking about your health maybe you should too.

I too suffered from asthma for many years and know the difficulty dealing with cleaning. I still do from time to time when it's bad enough. I am sure that's not the first thing on your mind though, your asthma, and I'm sure you know the ins and outs about what causes it won't get into that

It doesn't sound too much like he's a welcome visitor for you at all. Nothing you've said about him is a positive comment and the fact that you are intimidated and frantically tryin to figure out how to make your house presentable is a tell-tale sign that you don't expect it to go well. I feel like even if your house is presentable that your father will still find something to be overly critical about. I'm sorry but tradition should never be prioritized over your well being and ability to have peace. it's a holiday of giving thanks not one to stress over (outside of the stresses of the meal prep itself)

I would find a way to get out of having him even come. I don't know if you're above making an excuse or not, I won't suggest "making something up", that's up to you but I do think that you should find some way. I just don't think it would be fair to you, if you're accomodating to other people that they should come and criticize and make you feel devalued.

I'm sorry for your situation. I do have judgemental family too, so I understand. (I just stay away from them altogether)

[Leed]

Yoda, this is YOUR home, and you're not 12 years old anymore. I'm not suggesting you be disrespectful to your DAd, but if he does come, stand up to him. You do NOT have to accept disrespect. The way I think is this -- I EXPECT common respect -- I expect nothing more, but I'll ACCEPT nothing LESS. Your Dad has no RIGHT to continually degrade you and ridicule the way you live. You're an adult now -- In fact, if he has that right, then YOU have the right to ridicule the way HE goes thru WIVES!!!

It would be better for you if he didn't come -- to have you trying to clean the house certainly isn't good for your asthma! So try to get ahold of him and tell him not to come.

But if he does, don't take the disrespect without saying something. He has no right to treat you that way, whether he's your Dad or not. You don't treat HIM that way, and what's good for the goose is good for the gander in my book. God bless & please take care. Hugs, Lee

[unaluna]

If you haven't heard from him by now, I would just assume he wasn't coming, especially if he hasn't been there the last couple of years. We're all getting old, you know. And we need a LOT of preparation time if somebody is going to stop by for a few days. I can't believe Thanksgiving is next week already!