[doggiedo]

My brother has emailed my mom and told her that he doesn't want to have anything to do with the family. She is crushed. She isn't sure why, but she is pretty sure it's because my brother's wife doesn't like our family (for some odd reason - we are all really nice, I swear).

Anyhow, this really hurt my mom. Not only is she suffering from a bad depression right now, she is pretty much immobilized when she received this email. And honestly, I can't blame her. I don't know whether I should even bother responding to the email b/c it wasn't sent to me, even though he did talk about why he doesn't talk to me or why he doesn't want anything to do with me as well.

I feel this loyalty to my mother and father and I feel the need to stick up for them. On the other hand, my counselor says that my parents can stick up for themselves and I have to stop putting myself in the middle of things. I can't fight this fight for them.

I feel like he is not seeing the entire situation, however, and he needs to open his eyes! However, if I respond to the email, he will simply push me away farther.

My dad's brother (my uncle) died about a month ago and my brother didn't even call my dad or ask how he was doing. We barely saw him at the funeral. It spoke volumes. I even called him a few weeks back to let him know our grandmother was doing poorly and was in the hospital. I left him a voicemail to call me back if he wanted an update. No phone call.

So I guess the question is, I can do any of the following - but which one?
A.) reach out and try to get the relaionship back with my bro, putting aside our differences and just trying to move on (which would mean me ignoring his disrespect and all the hurtful things he has said to the family).
B.) respond to the email, specifically about what he said about me.
C.) Ignore it, since he doesn't make any attempt to see the family (we haven't seen him in over a year) and just move on as an only child with no siblings.

Any suggestions?
It's also hard seeing my mother and father hurt so much. It's like my initial reaction is to just lash out and defend them. Idk. He's a very unhappy person and it's really impacting our family dynamic. Any advice is welcomed....

[jadzea]

I had an older brother that acted much the same with my parents. He did not send and email because it eas before computers (yes, I am old) but he made it very clear he did not want anything to do with them. He adopted this attitude right after her married and moved away. I had the most terrific father ever and everyone says we lived a farytale childhood. Yet, my bother insists he was abused. Nobody every hit us or bilittled us or otherwise mistreated us. We don't know where he got this idea.

Anyway, my sister and I always left the lines of communication open and he only contacted us when he needed money. I say leave him alone. He has his own reasons for acting like he does and you will not be able to change them. Don't make yourself miserable or make the situation worse.

Its up to you.. whatever choice you make, it will be difficult, no easy answer.

Am afraid I am one who has cut ties with both of my parents. Following a huge row 4 years ago, 5 months ago I told them that I do not want anything more to do with them, as its bad for me. They refused to talk or sort it out, so I gave up asking. I dont know why your brother has done what he has done, but he will have reasons, whether justified or not. Its also the hardest thing have ever done...

Warm hugs, its hard when families split..

[Leed]

Hi ~ Alot has to do with the REASON your brother acted the way he did. Why did he send this e=mail. It doesn't sound like he was abused in any way. So what's the matter with him, anyway? Is he jealous, or what?

Since this was mailed to your mother, I really don't think you'd better get involved. Your therapist was right. Your parents CAN fight their own battles, so to speak. And obviously this e-mail was written in anger, so whatever he said about you was probably said in anger too, and he MAY not have meant it. Who knows. So to address it now would be to just push him further away. I'd leave it alone.

Who knows what time will do. Perhaps later, he'll have a change of heart. Time DOES heal. But in the meantime, try to help your Mom and Dad to heal themselves and to stay positive. They can still keep him in their hearts. God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

[doggiedo]

The reason is because his doesn't feel my parents favor me - they gifted me $25k when I bought my house with my husband. Granted I didn't ask for it, and I was married and ready to settle down. My brother has had a horrible track record with money and lived at home with my parents until his late 20s. He married his wife and they are horrible with money - even his wife has made comments on how she hopes my parents leave them money in their will, etc. Anyhow, my parents have not gifted them the $25k yet (like they did with me) because they would simply spend it. They did have it set aside for them when they were ready to buy a house. But all this stuff blew up and my bro is now accusing my parents of favoring me b/c he didn't get any money, etc. It's horrible.

My parents also live half way inbetween me and my brother - my brother never sees them. My mom had really invasive back surgery last year and then we had a big storm and they lost power - like right after she got out of the hospital for like a week. He didn't even call or anythign to see how they were, espeically after my mom's surgery. He just doesn't have time for his family anymore. I called him out on it - I told him he should call Mom and dad on Thanksgiving, etc...he was like - yea, you don't need to remind me. I say, yes i do since you forgot to call them last year. It's like he doesn't even want a family anymore because he doesn't get a handout.

His email was in response to an email my mom sent to him. She often thinks of him and will send a message asking why he has disowned the family, why he doesn't talk to them anymore, etc. He basically told them he doesn't want them in his life. That's the end of it. he has also done this with the extended family (on both sides) so I know it's not just us. Noone knows why.

Thanks for your feedback guys.

[doggiedo]

Ugh, now mom has said she is deleting her Facebook account- she says she "needs to focus her efforts elsewhere". I'm worried...

[Leed]

So all this really IS about money. If they had given him the 25K, none of this would have happened. Good grief.

Well, they will not spend it wisely when they inherit from the will, so why not give it to them now? I understand that your parents don't want to SEE it wasted, but wouldn't it be better to try to keep the family together? Or don't you think it would work at this point if they gave it to him now? Do you think it's worth a try or not?

I don't understand why he's alienating himself from the extended family. That doesn't even make sense.

It sounds to me like your brother really needs therapy, but I'm sure HE doesn't think so. And I know it would be impossible to convince him of it too. Wishful thinking, huh?

Anyway - just wondered if giving him the money now would work, but I'm sure you've already thought of that. You're in my thoughts & prayers. I know this is hard on everyone. God bless you ALL. Hugs, Lee

[doggiedo]

Yea, I don't understand either. We area all missing his reasoning and he doesn't care to tell us why or what we did. So we go on just wondering.

Now Mom doesn't want to go to our family Thanksgiving dinner (at our cousin's house) because my bro might be there. She is also paranoid that the family hates her and blames her for alienating my brother. I don't what to do???

Money really is a source of evil isnt it?

Originally Posted by doggiedo

Now Mom doesn't want to go to our family Thanksgiving dinner (at our cousin's house) because my bro might be there. She is also paranoid that the family hates her and blames her for alienating my brother. I don't what to do???

She could just be kicking out and reacting because she's been hurt - totally understandable. I hope she changes her mind over thanksgiving. Am sure your brother wont go if he knows you'll all be there, and why should your mum miss out? I hope she learns that the family don't hate her, is there anyway you can rally the other family members to reassure her, and make more of a fuss til she feels a little bit more confident & loved? Good luck Doggie.

After reading that this stems from the money issue, I can't help but think this is all him making a scene, throwing a fit or tantrum. Basically acting like a spoiled brat that is trying to manipulate people around him to do what he wants them to... "I WANT MONEY TOO!" :::stomping floor::: Sorry but that's what it sounds like.

My thought is, let him. Cut off ties, after all tht's what he asked for (but I don't think that's his true goal) Let him see what it's really like to cut himself off and see if that's really what he wanted. ya know?

[doggiedo]

I think you all got it right! He's acting like a child.

I did give him what he wanted - we haven't been speaking for the past year, but he has never been so clear as to put it in writing as "leave me alone and stop talking to me and reaching out."

I was the one who called him a few months back when my uncle passed away. He didn't even take the call - he told me to text him the news. I told him this isn't stuff you want to hear over text. NOONE In the family had told him or would have, unless he read it in the paper. I wish I didn't call him. He would have realized at that point what it means to write off your family. It's a perfect example of what you mean Sandman!- so he can see what cutting ties really means.

Riotgirl - I thought of reaching out to family and encouraging them to help my mom feel welcomed at dinner next week. She doesn't want anyone to know. She just wants to shrink into oblivion. I think she will feel targeted and betrayed if I tell the fam she needs support.

It also puts me and my dad in a weird place - what do we say when they ask where my mom is? Idk, lie? Say she isn't feeling well? She already avoided my little cousin's 1st birthday party a month ago b/c she wanted to avoid interacting with my bro (who didn't show up anyhow). Idk. It's all so weird.