[roseblossom]

I have been avoiding spending time with my dad because I've come to the conclusion that he is unhealthy for me to be around. He is very critical of my thoughts and decision makings and is manipulative and controlling, especially with money.

Today though I noticed something happening which I wanted to ask others about to see if anyone could offer any insight.

Basically he rang me up and was radiating cheerfulness over the phone and was very upbeat - he laughed. or I suppose chuckled at the things he was saying - even though they weren't particularly funny. He described a short trip he'd had abroad in a very exaggerated way - as if painting a kind of cartoon view of some of what happened.

I could feel in myself this kind of emotional reaction - it was as if I too went on a kind of high inside - but it was off balance. I found it very hard not to respond really enthusiastically to him because he was so enthusiastic to me, even though he has been really quite mean at times to me.

Then he told me that he was glad my son was socialising a lot at university, and said that he should keep it up and that's what university is all about (he never mentions how important it is to study - always the 'fun' side of things). I didn't agree with him because I think that socialising is just a part of it, but I was silent because he's like a force that its difficult to put up opposition against.

I know i'm giving a lot of detail and maybe some of its unnecessary but I'm really trying to understand the way we relate because its really screwed me up for many years.

After I put down the phone from him I felt that I had lost my grounding - my sense of being rooted - and there was like this bubble of 'highness' or glee that was linked to how he had been comunicating with me.

I realise that this has happened over and over again - he hooks me in, or I end up getting hooked in, I suppose its by this kind of charm which is wrapped up in glee. Then once my defenses are down then I will get the putdown or critical comment or invalidation (which happens a lot), or a conversation which is his opportunity to show that he is intellectually superior.

Why has his behaviour had such a hold on me? I'm in my forties and am trying to understand why he's had so much power over me.

[tinyrabbit]

He sounds a lot like my dad. Manipulative, controlling - but nice when it suits him. My T says I am insecurely attached to my parents, which is worth a google as it certainly made a lot of sense to me.

I think I respond enthusiastically to my parents because a) deep down I want them to love me and validate me and I'm forever optimistic that they will be better than they are and b) I'm giving them the reaction they want, not the one I feel like, after years of practice.

It sounds like you're in a similar situation. I'd definitely recommend reading up on insecure attachment, and also Toxic Parents by Susan Forward is a really good book.

[roseblossom]

Originally Posted by tinyrabbit

He sounds a lot like my dad. Manipulative, controlling - but nice when it suits him. My T says I am insecurely attached to my parents, which is worth a google as it certainly made a lot of sense to me.

I think I respond enthusiastically to my parents because a) deep down I want them to love me and validate me and I'm forever optimistic that they will be better than they are and b) I'm giving them the reaction they want, not the one I feel like, after years of practice.

It sounds like you're in a similar situation. I'd definitely recommend reading up on insecure attachment, and also Toxic Parents by Susan Forward is a really good book.

Thanks for your reply - yes, I guess I've learned to react in a certain way to him which is what he wants - but I really want it to stop. I think I saw the book Toxic Parents some time ago in the past, but will have a look on Amazon, and will also check out insecure attachment.

[roseblossom]

I just read a little about insecure attachment - I can well believe that I have experienced this, although the articles I found seemed complicated and I don't know how I would identify which type of insecure attachment I had.

I would really like to work on being healthier, so I will have another search and see if theres any other info out there about how to heal but if anyone's got any info that they already know I'd be grateful.

Originally Posted by roseblossom

Why has his behaviour had such a hold on me? I'm in my forties and am trying to understand why he's had so much power over me.

Because he's your father! It's that simple. Nobody has the power to get under our skin quite as much as our families.

Parent's should be supportive and kind, and if need to criticise its done constructively. I see my partners parents (sadly mum has since died) but they were exactly that. They are wonderful parents.

But your dad is like mine, the relationship has to be their way all the way. Last June I made the hard decision to walk away from mine. Hard, sad. I still think about him (and my mum) but I just can't go back there. I am enemy number one now, but it's worth it for my sanity.