How do you get help...

When you are incapable of expressing yourself around people? Everything locks up around people, I've worn a mask for so long that I no longer have a choice whether to put it on or not. I don't feel that I can express anything, I don't have a place I can run to and just vent without fear of it being repetead, being mocked, or threatened. I can't reach down and give what's really wrong because I"m afraid of being arrested or forced into asylum. Everything I say and do is calm and monotone and I immediately become a bit 'happy' and seem like I am doing ok because I can't access the rest of me because it's locked, like some other part of me doesn't want me talking about it.

idk maybe iam wrong but imo theres few things in our self its much more better we keep it locked inside because the world/people might not strong enough to handle that.. and maybe without having any access to it make us safe !

Will it matter if it breaks out and I lose control?

Dreamscaper,

Your emotions can be shared freely with a T. I understand your fear of being locked up in a psych ward ~ been there! But, you can share virtually anything with a T, and realistically, they cannot lock you up unless they see that you (or someone else) is in pertinent danger if you are to be free.

Taking off your mask in T isn't easy or overnight. It takes some time and trust to slowly let your self-protection barrier down. I've dissociated during T many times (over the past 30 years). In the past few years, I've dissociated a few times or so as we discussed very personal issues. My T has recommended hospitalization twice (in the past few years) when I was REALLY low and fighting strong suicidal urges. Because I went in on my own, I was also allowed to leave when I felt that I had a better perspective towards my illness and felt more prepared to work through the attached emotions.

Getting help when you need it (which is where it sounds like you are to me) is priceless! The intense misery that you hold inside, against yourself, eases when you share the darkness. While your emotions are validated by a good T, they also assure you that they are just emotions ~ not facts! I wish you the best ~ take care...

Yeah that's what i like about making/listening to music. There are certain ideas that if you said them out loud in daily life people would say they are too dark or depressing. But when they are "art" people think they are cool for some reason. Go figure.

I suppose so... I guess I need to find a way to afford seeing a therapist again...