[Lost-&-Alone]

{fade in, driving on a beautiful country road} The sun is shining, your thinking about your life. You own a wonderful family resturant, that everyone in town thinks is the best in the world, able to serve any kind of food you want, IF the cook is is the mood. Your really hungry, starving in fact. As your driving you see a fast food place. Is it wrong to want to stop just to grab a bite to tide you over ? Should you get what you need to keep going or just keep driving like on auto pilot until the cook decides to prepare you a meal. You LOVE the cook and she can be a fantastic chef, and she has all the skills needed to fix you a feast fit for a king, but just doesnt want to. Sometime {almost always} the cook say's she doesnt want to cook because your appitite is so large. When she tries / offers to make you a snack, you make a pig out of your self buy overeating and you end up trying to eat like it's you last meal, when in fact it's because you just dont know when you will be able to eat again and just want to eat your fill because you don't know when or if you will be able to eat ever again. Do you decide to "die" of starvation, of fill the immediate need to take in something to help keep you going ?

OK,,,,,,,,,,, so that may be a little cheesy and me trying to justify my thoughts. But it's a real question. I am NOT a player, I am a 45 y/o fat/fluffy man, I am not saying I want to cheat on my wife, I don't want to cheat on my wife. Believe it or not I really do LOVE my wife more than life itself ! I have talked to my wife over and over until I'm blue in the face {and other parts lol} The way I see it, {and I know I'm broken} is this,,,,,,,, She has been giving the information, and has the ability to make me and our life happy, but just doesnt care. I know she has issues, she is also depressed and is on meds for it. She says the meds have made her have no "desire" and as much as I may not like it, I do understand it. BUT,,,,,,,,, my problem with it is not that she has no desire for "it" but I dont understand why she has no desire to make me happy and ease tentions in our house. Its not like I am asking for something "out of the normal" , perverted, kinky, or wierd, no swinging from the rafters on a trapeeze, or anything like that lol. I just want some ATTENTION ! This is also NOT just about sex. I miss the intimacy, cuddleing, kissing, petting, being so close with each other wrapped in arms, being close. I want to be touched, kissed, carressed. I am so LONELY, what should I do. I / we dont want to get a divorce, I guess I am just a coward, I / we have fought so hard the last 8 years to clean up our credit. If we divorce, its just a fact that neithor of us alone can affore the morgage, car, motorcycle, credit card bills etc. We would lose everything, repossesion, bill / debt collectors, back to bad credit scraping by paycheck to paycheck. Homeless,,, etc. I know that sounds cowardly and its not a reason to stay in a broken relationship, but I can not start over again,,,,,,,,

I am going out of my freaking mind ! Please help !

[Leed]

What about couples counseling/marriage counseling? Have you two thought of that? Would she agree to that? You two could certainly use it. It seems that you two don't know how to communicate -- how to TALK. You've got to be able to talk to each other -- to tell each other your needs & wants WITHOUT fighting. It needs to be done with love - calmly and nicely. You can't demand these things. And you can't assume she knows what you need. She doesn't know what you need anymore than you know what SHE needs. You both are drowning in boredom.

Get some counseling and learn how to communicate. Your marriage CAN be saved, if you want it to be. And she'd better go if SHE wants it to be.!!! Best of luck, and God bless. Hugs, Lee

[Lost-&-Alone]

I have asked, begged, pleaded to go to couples counsling, she wont do it. She doesnt like to talk about it. She agrees that this marriage is probally over, but doesnt want to be the one to pull the trigger. She says the problem is with both of us, but that she can not change and can not give me what I want or need with out becoming more resentful than she is towards me.

[Leed]

May I ask you WHY she is so resentful? Have you given her REASON to be so resentful? Is there more to this than you've posted? I guess I just don't understand.

Was the first part of your post a mini-confession of cheating? Did you cheat? Does your wife know about it? It sure sounds like it, thus the resentment. right? Correct me if I'm wrong.

If that's the case, and she won't go to counseling, she won't work on the resentment, then I guess the marriage is over -- unless you want to live like this the rest of your life. YOU could go to counseling - which might help. But your marriage would still be the same, PROBABLY. It might help if you went to counseling, but there are no promises.

I wish you the very best. I wish I could help - but I believe it's past that now. God bless and please take care of yourself. Hugs, Lee

I agree with Leed in that if she's not willing to go, how can you resolve this? She has a lot of resentment and I too wonder where that comes from.

You could show that you're willing to go and there may be a remote chance if she sees change in you that she might become willing to go but in my experience that's not always true.

My ex and I fought for years and it came to a point where she did "pull the trigger" for many reasons, and that includes that we just didn't care for each other at the same level as we had at one point long ago. We're apart now waiting on the day we can actually get the divorce. I tell you all this for one reason. Life is not over and all is not doom and gloom if it ends. If it does come to that, there is hope! I too am 45 yrs old and now a single dad with two boys, it was rough for a long time but it's been a good thing. She and I are on good terms and I cant' say we're good friends or anything but we get along now. all the pain and frustration I endured for years (and she did too) is gone now that we're apart and I'm able to get on my feet, independent for the first time and much happier!

I hope that you can work it out, try counseling for yourself first and see if that helps to get her to work with you otherwise, just don't lose hope.