[peacequest]

I'm about to get married again at the age of 68. My fiance is 65. This is the problem. I have told him I suffer from pelvic floor prolapse, that is to say, my bladder, and uterus are prolapsed. When I have intercourse with him there is bleeding and pain, which, since we were intimate this last time, is particularly bothersome when I'm on my feet all day as I have a heavy uncomfortable feeling in my lower abdomen, especially in my bladder region. When I told him about my pain and discomfort, he immediately changed the subject. After a while he asked if I was mad. I said, "no," but that I was disappointed that he responded to my by changing the subject and that I took that as a sign he doesn't care enough about me to want to discuss it with me. He then said that he doesn't care to talk about "women's problems." This hurt me very much. In fact I feel so betrayed and devalued by him that I'm not sure I can ever talk to him about anything that concerns me deeply. I will see a physician to get evaluated and find out options, which I understand in some cases are surgery if the problem is severe enough. However, if my fiance isn't supportive enough now, how supportive will he be in the future. Am I overreacting in thinking he acted in a uncaring selfish manner, or do I have a valid concern here? Any comment would be greatly appreciated.

[hamster-bamster]

Yuck. Definitely his attitude sucks. But I hope you will be able to get help via surgery. Also, and I am sure you are doing them but I just want to reiterate the importance, Kegels. I have urinary stress incontinence. Have had it since 16 due to a structural abnormality and then, of course, pregnancies exacerbated the problem. In 2006 I became ill with adult pertussis. I coughed for 6 weeks. Incessant coughing caused a flare-up of the incontinence and my midwife referred me to a urologist. The urologist offered surgery. I declined and managed with Kegels alone. I cannot run, but I can have intercourse without a problem. Unlike you, I do not have a uterus problem - just the bladder is my problem, so my situation is easier. But it is good to know that should my situation worsen, there is always surgery.

He most definitely should be sympathetic! Shame on him! How does he expect YOU to treat HIM in case HE develops erectile dysfunction, may I ask out loud?

[hamster-bamster]

I would also like to suggest an intercourse alternative (fellatio) until you have and heal from the surgery.

[peacequest]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

Yuck. Definitely his attitude sucks. But I hope you will be able to get help via surgery. Also, and I am sure you are doing them but I just want to reiterate the importance, Kegels. I have urinary stress incontinence. Have had it since 16 due to a structural abnormality and then, of course, pregnancies exacerbated the problem. In 2006 I became ill with adult pertussis. I coughed for 6 weeks. Incessant coughing caused a flare-up of the incontinence and my midwife referred me to a urologist. The urologist offered surgery. I declined and managed with Kegels alone. I cannot run, but I can have intercourse without a problem. Unlike you, I do not have a uterus problem - just the bladder is my problem, so my situation is easier. But it is good to know that should my situation worsen, there is always surgery.

He most definitely should be sympathetic! Shame on him! How does he expect YOU to treat HIM in case HE develops erectile dysfunction, may I ask out loud?

It's good to know that I'm not alone with this problem. It is embarrassing to acknowledge; but as Dr. Phil says, "you can't fix what you don't acknowledge." I've been doing Kegels, but must confess, not regularly. I like your sense of control you seem to have with your condition. Also, you don't seem to be afraid of surgery if needed. I am very much afraid of surgery, but will cross that bridge when I get there. I like what you said: "Shame on him! How does he expect YOU to treat HIM in case HE develops erectile dysfunction, may I ask out loud?" Kind of funny but so true. Thanks again

[peacequest]

It's good to know that I'm not alone with this problem. It is embarrassing to acknowledge; but as Dr. Phil says, "you can't fix what you don't acknowledge." I've been doing Kegels, but must confess, not regularly. I like your sense of control you seem to have with your condition. Also, you don't seem to be afraid of surgery if needed. I am very much afraid of surgery, but will cross that bridge when I get there. I like what you said: "Shame on him! How does he expect YOU to treat HIM in case HE develops erectile dysfunction, may I ask out loud?" Kind of funny but so true. Thanks again

[hamster-bamster]

I commute by bike and do Kegels religiously on every red light. I do not like doing them, but I still do them.

If you have never done an*l sex, forget about it (and I have not so for me it is a theoretical conversation), but if you have and liked it in the past, this might be a question for your gynecologist - is it a safe alternative to vaginal intercourse?

Another thing that helped me was stopping excessive handwashing. The connection is as follows: by not engaging in excessive handwashing and by never using hand sanitizer, I am building up my immunity. That, in turn, helps me not come down with respiratory diseases. That helps me not cough, and coughing has always triggered my incontinence.

[Leed]

One thing that might be his problem is embarrassment. He might just be embarrassed to talk about these problems with women. People our age (I'm 63) weren't taught to talk about that kind of stuff with our mates -- but since we've become more "with it" -- at least we women have -- we feel more comfortable talking about it. MEN DO NOT. They're still back in the OLD days of keeping quiet about it. So maybe you should give him a break and not take it so personally. He's just not "up to speed."

I'm glad you're going to see the doctor. When I had my hysterectomy, they also did a bladder tuck and that helped matters. But that was quite a few years ago, and now it seems it's sagging a bit more again, darn it. It's not serious yet, but gravity has definitely set it. Ohhh the pains of growing old. I'm a widow tho, so sex isn't an issue for me.

I wish you the very best my friend. God bless you and PLEASE let us know how things turn out, will you? We do care about you. Hugs, Lee

[peacequest]

Originally Posted by Leed

One thing that might be his problem is embarrassment. He might just be embarrassed to talk about these problems with women. People our age (I'm 63) weren't taught to talk about that kind of stuff with our mates -- but since we've become more "with it" -- at least we women have -- we feel more comfortable talking about it. MEN DO NOT. They're still back in the OLD days of keeping quiet about it. So maybe you should give him a break and not take it so personally. He's just not "up to speed."

I'm glad you're going to see the doctor. When I had my hysterectomy, they also did a bladder tuck and that helped matters. But that was quite a few years ago, and now it seems it's sagging a bit more again, darn it. It's not serious yet, but gravity has definitely set it. Ohhh the pains of growing old. I'm a widow tho, so sex isn't an issue for me.

I wish you the very best my friend. God bless you and PLEASE let us know how things turn out, will you? We do care about you. Hugs, Lee

Thanks for the suggestion. I haven't seen a doctor yet because of my busy schedule. I still work as a substitute teacher five days a week, but during the Christmas break I will schedule an appointment. You are absolutely right in saying that men in our generation aren't used to talking about such things with their mates. That was probably one of the reasons for my fiance's reluctance to talk about it. I'm thinking of putting the marriage off until I get this situation taken care of. Growing old certainly has a few challenges, doesn't it? Thanks again.