[Zoeybaby1985]

Hello,

I am 27, my fiance is 29. We have been together for 3 and a half years.

About a week ago, my fiance's mother got a call from one of my fiance's past girlfriends, they dated about 6 years ago. things didnt work out so they decided to break up. She explained to my fiance's mother that when they broke up, she went back to her old boyfriend, patched things up. She discovered that she was pregnant, and obviously thought it was her boyfriends child... as the child grew up, her boyfriend noticed that the child did not react the same way that he does, didnt look like him, and just didnt have that connection that a father and son do. He demanded that a DNA test be done... when the results came back, it proved that he was in fact not the father of the child. This is when she decided to get in touch with my fiances mother, because she didnt have my fiance's contact details.

I have seen photos of the child, he is 5 years old already, and i know in my heart that my fiance is the father. the resemblance is as clear as day! We are currently waiting for the DNA results to come back. I know that i have to be his pillar of support at the moment and im really trying my best... but it gets difficult at times, trying to give him my support and still trying to come to terms with this myself. He has told me that if he is the father, he will want to be active in the childs life, and i fully understand that... The "supposed" father has basically thrown the child away (not wanting anything to do with him anymore) I know what its like to grow up without a father. But im heartbroken... we want to have a child someday of our own and never did i think that he would be the father of another womans child, its difficult for me to come to terms with this... i just need some advise or help or words of encouragement on how i should deal with this and how i should take things from here...

Thanks for reading.

I think you're amazing, you're being supportive and kind when its a really difficult time. Its really lovely to read someone being so selfless and without sounding patronising (as I really dont mean to sound that) but I think you should be so proud of yourself.

I also think its justified and understandable that you're wobbling over this. Its such a lot to come to terms with. I can't say if you should stay with your fiance or go, only you can decide that, but if you stay it would be so good on so many levels - being with the man you love, warts and all, and being a decent role model for this poor 5 year old kid who's just lost the father he knew. I would also think your marriage would be so strong, getting through this, and be able to withstand anything life throws at you in the future.
I know its different to the norm, finding out that your fiance has another child, but families are so mixed these days, with divorces and all and these people make it work. Having your own child should not change anything, trying to look on the bright side for you, think of it as your own child having a big half brother to look out for him/her! I bet with lots of talking, love and time, you guys will have a healthy, lovely family unit - just an extended one.

I wish you all the best in this hard time.

[Leed]

Hi ~ I agree with riotgrrrl -- it's great you're supporting your fiance' thru this. Yes, it's going to be a bit difficult for awhile, but once you get to know this little guy I'm sure you'll fall in love with him and welcome him into your home.

It WILL be hardest on your fiance' because all of a sudden he will be a Dad, and that's a pretty big responsibility to have tossed at you immediately! I'm sure his head is spinning right now. He's going to have child-support as well as learning how to be a Dad. You are going to have to help him with this -- he isn't going to know HOW to be a Dad, and hopefully you can help him learn.

With time, I'm sure this will work out just fine. This little guy needs a Dad, and as long as your fiance' WANTS to be a dad, things will be ok. I wish you the very best. God bless and take care. Hugs, Lee

[sarahloveseric]

Originally Posted by Zoeybaby1985

Hello,

I am 27, my fiance is 29. We have been together for 3 and a half years.

About a week ago, my fiance's mother got a call from one of my fiance's past girlfriends, they dated about 6 years ago. things didnt work out so they decided to break up. She explained to my fiance's mother that when they broke up, she went back to her old boyfriend, patched things up. She discovered that she was pregnant, and obviously thought it was her boyfriends child... as the child grew up, her boyfriend noticed that the child did not react the same way that he does, didnt look like him, and just didnt have that connection that a father and son do. He demanded that a DNA test be done... when the results came back, it proved that he was in fact not the father of the child. This is when she decided to get in touch with my fiances mother, because she didnt have my fiance's contact details.

I have seen photos of the child, he is 5 years old already, and i know in my heart that my fiance is the father. the resemblance is as clear as day! We are currently waiting for the DNA results to come back. I know that i have to be his pillar of support at the moment and im really trying my best... but it gets difficult at times, trying to give him my support and still trying to come to terms with this myself. He has told me that if he is the father, he will want to be active in the childs life, and i fully understand that... The "supposed" father has basically thrown the child away (not wanting anything to do with him anymore) I know what its like to grow up without a father. But im heartbroken... we want to have a child someday of our own and never did i think that he would be the father of another womans child, its difficult for me to come to terms with this... i just need some advise or help or words of encouragement on how i should deal with this and how i should take things from here...

Thanks for reading.

Hi, just wanted to say being a step mom can be awesome you just have to give it sometime I know how you feel you wanted to be the one to give him his 1st born child you feel a little dooped because you thought he was childless, but he truly believed that he did not have any children ya know? So just love him be supportive and let everything work itself out even though it does not feel like it now it will all fall into place. BE STRONG!!!

[Odee]

That's absolutely terrible that the supposed father doesn't want to have anything to do with a child that is still very much his. The child has only know him as a father and the child is still part of his and his lady's life. Such a shame.

I hope that this will be a great opportunity for you too. I'm sorry you feel uncomfortable with your fiance having had a child with another woman and I hope you don't continue to feel that way for too long.

[Zoeybaby1985]

Hi Again!

Just to update everyone, the child is his. He is like a little "mini - me" version of my fiance! Its weird and wonderful at the same time

Buuuut now.... The childs mother is starting to cause problems... She told my fiance that I will never be his mother... well obviously! And she wants nothing to do with me, she says that she doesnt have to acknowledge me when we are around each other, and i am the type of person who is polite enough to say hello but she wont...And she told him that she was under the impression that he was not in a relationship and i told my fiance that her obvious intention was to try get back together with him so that they could be one big happy family. My fiance said that if that was her plans, then she is very wrong to have thought that. And now i want to know... IF she had known that he was in a relationship, would she ever have come into contact with him and told him about his son in the first place???

How do i make it clear to her that i KNOW im not his mother? I just want to be a mother FIGURE to him when she is not there! I need to be in that position for my fiance cos he has told me that he needs me around when his son is there. There will be times and things that he wont know what to do about cos a woman naturally has motherly instincts... am i right? Am i just meant to go sit in my room while my fiance's son is there so that i have no interaction with him completely? Thats the impression im getting from her... and it does not work that way.

She has to come to terms with this situation just as much as i had to.... this whole thing was basically thrown at me. I was basically thrown in the deep end!? Im not going to just run away from this, im not a weak minded person.

What do you guys think of all this?

Thanks again for reading!

[unaluna]

She is not the boss of you. Get an official agreement and stay away from her.

I agree, she does not have any say in your life. If she wants to be an idiot over this, then there is nothing you can do to change that. Just dont stoop to her level, do the best you can by her son, and at least you can hold your head up high huh?! In time, she may even relax over the whole situation, and although you guys may never be buddies, she may come to a more peaceful truce.

Just a little thought, I would not use the words of wanting to be a mother figure near her, or her son. Best to describe yourself as being the son's friend. She won't take kindly to the word mother, esp as she's being so difficult.

Good luck and I hope things go well.

[lido78]

I hope that, in time, the child's mother will realize that what is best for the child is to have three people in his life to love and care for him. You obviously know this already, but she's just had her life turned around as well and is probably bitterly disappointed that the man she thought was the father turned out not to be. This situation will take time and patience. Do not let this rip you apart from your fiance. You are a team and will be better role models if you work as one. Please try to let her words and actions roll off the back of the proverbial duck. This is an emotional period for all parties concerned and could escalate if you "take her on" at this time. Do not give her any of your engerty to use against you. If she wants your fiance to be in his son's life, then your fiance is entitled to have you present as well. Suppose he had a child from a prior marriage...the only difference would be that you would have known about it in advance.