[wife59]

I am a 53 year old woman. My husband and I have been married for 10 years. My husband has been seeing call girls. I've confronted him several times and he admitted that he saw one "three or four times" That is an understatement. I think he's been seeing call girls throughout our entire marriage, if not before then as well. I think he goes to them at least 2 times a month, maybe more. $200 a pop. He said he did this because I don't fulfill his needs sexually and he doesn't want the drama of having to "bother me" with his needs. This also avoids the drama of "having a real affair." The last time we talked about it, he "promised" not to do this again. Today I found out he is at it again. I again confronted him, but he denied, denied, denied and lied through his teeth about what he was doing today. He is a few years older and was able to retire early this year. He now has his days free to do whatever he wants.
Not only am I worried about STDs, but this whole situation really brings me down, thinking that I am unworthy and worthless. I've gained a lot of weight lately and I feel horrible about myself.
I think about leaving him, getting a divorce, but I would loose so much. I have no family of my own, I can't stand my job (although I make good money and don't have to work too hard), I have very few friends of my own (most are our "couple" friends that he knew before me).
I don't know what to do. My husband does not believe in "therapy"
Please help me. I need someone to talk to.

[iliketherain]

Dear wife59,

Ideally, you would leave him, royally screw him in the divorce, and perhaps completely damage his reputation in whatever town you live in? Unfortunately, I would honestly have trouble telling you to do this (because I've stayed with a cheater), and because some of what I've said is not so nice.

I cannot imagine how you must be feeling right now. I really am so sorry that this is happening to you. I'm sure a lot of people would disagree with me on this, but I feel that cheating takes a toll on men and women in different ways.

Not to say that one sex takes the blows particularly worse than the other, but it just seems like cheating basically damages a man's pride, while it destroys a woman's self-esteem, sense of purpose, etc, etc.

Therefore, I am quite unsure of the best advice to give. The one thing I do know is that you DO NOT deserve this. You must remind yourself of this constantly, no matter how long he continues to see these women, and no matter how long you're willing to endure it.

Stay angry at him - don't turn that anger toward yourself!

Maybe you two could see a marriage counselor? I've heard that having a third-party intervene is one of the easiest ways to get people to see the error of their ways (because they will obviously think any advice from the other partner is biased).

Also, I would say not to have sex with him again, but any psycho-sexual advocate would say this could have caused the problem in the first place.

Maybe you should try to focus on you. Get yourself healthy. Get your self-esteem back. Find new friends. Find a life outside of him that you enjoy. At the same time, talk to a counselor and if he won't change his behavior, get to the point where you have mentally/emotionally prepared yourself to leave him, and get out!

Sorry if my advice/reply seemed a little scattered. I always take the all over the map approach with advice. But yes, let me know what you think.

Best of luck and love to you. I am really wishing you the best and hope to hear something positive back!

[shezbut]

(((wife59)))

I am very sorry to hear about the pain that you're suffering in your marriage. I can only imagine the devastation and powerful negative emotions that you're probably dealing with on a daily basis.

It sound as though your husband has a sexual addiction to me. Like every other addiction, there are groups that work through saying "no" and work towards obtaining and maintaining healthy habits. Like every other addiction out there, the one addicted needs to be the one desperate to overcome his or her damaging behavior. And, a lot of times, that equates to losing nearly everything that they have.

This is where it becomes personal. I cannot imagine ever accepting my bf's (or hub's) addiction to this dangerous and humilating behavior. My self-esteem sucks as it is...I just KNOW that I could not stand by and allow this to continue. I really advise you to go into therapy and work upon boosting your self-esteem. Pick up some new hobbies, unrelated to your husband ~ and become strong enough to step away from him.

You could write a letter ~ explaining that while you care about him deeply, you simply cannot accept his need to get physical satisfaction from other women. you need and deserve to be his one and only. If he is unable to live up to his commitment, then you need to step back and preserve your self-esteem. I might go one to say that if you saw him making a genuine effort to change his addictive behavior through therapy and support groups, that you might be willing to give the relationship another shot (in time). But you do deserve better than he's currently giving to the relationship. If he's unwilling to work on overcoming this addiction, than you're going to have to let go permanently. For your sake!

Gentle hugs and very best wishes to you!

[sallyjoseph]

I feel your pain!I find myself in this situation and don't know what to do. My partner has sent 5 emails to women on an adult site during the past week. I don't think he has met any and to my knowledge has had one reply. We have been together 4 years and he says he is completely happy with me and our life. We have the best sex he has ever had, he tells me, and lots of it andthere is nothing that I won't try so why why why does he want to contact these women. He gets jealous if he thinks anyone else is interested in me but doesn't realise it works the other way too. I don't know whether to confront him or not. I thinking that i leave him and im also suggest you to leave him.

[Leed]

Bless your heart. I agree with the others in that this must be totally devastating. I cannot imagine having to put up with this, especially since you have no family or real friends to fall back on.

I would be not only hurt, but incredibly mad! To think that he could do something like that would really infuriate me!

I too think that I would issue some sort of ultimatum. Either he agree to some sort of counseling for HIM or else I'd seek the advise of an attorney, and if I were you, I'd take him to the cleaners. Take 1/2 of his pension AT LEAST, and a good share of his savings/investments and anything else he has!!! Afterall, HE'S the one who ruined this marriage! I don't know what state you live in, so you'd have to check the divorce laws there. But I'd sure take what I could! Don't be "nice" to him out of compassion. He doesn't have any compassion for YOU.

You might consider getting counseling for yourself, dear one because your self-esteem is in the pits. You are a good, kind, beautiful person! Don't let what he has done to you change how you feel about yourself! God bless you my friend, and take care! Hugs, Lee

[WhiteClouds]

Good Morning Wife59. I'm so sorry to hear this story. This is one of those "whole world turned upside down" moments. First, allow me to say there is no "right/ wrong" solution. You will have to do what will be the safest & healthiest for you emotionally, physically, and psychologically. Some women stay in these relationships and become more damaged. Leading to emotional and psychological crisis.
If your husband is seeing escorts there are real health factors that has to be considered. Not only STD's, but HIV & AIDS is on the rise in the over 45 age group. I would like to share a story with you. My best friend is the head counselor at an HIV/AIDS clinic. She called one day, in tears. She explained she had just counseled a lady in her late 60's, who had only been with 1 man in her life. Her husband. Due to her husband indescritions she had contracted HIV. This elderly lady had no real concept of the disease or what to do. Her entire life was turned up side down.
In the midst of such a painful situation you must listen to your truth. You deserve to be loved for who you are. You deserve to have your VOWS honored. No matter if you're a size 2 or 32. You deserve to be honored and protected. Your life is valuable. You would be surprised the level of support you have around you.
If your husband doesn't want counseling you have to find out what is he willing to do for a solution to this. There has to be an end to the escorts, no if's, and's, or but's about it. That is a high risk behavior that put you at risk. In the mean time you need to seek counseling for yourself. That is the best place to begin. Be well.

[Harley47]

Hi there. I hope I can help.

Firstly, please allow me to say that I am sorry he has put you through this...this is something no one deserves out of a partner, and I am sickened and appalled by his behavior. The line about him going because you "don't fulfill his needs" is a load of (your word here). By putting it back on you, he makes himself feel better. Understand that this is NOTHING you have done or caused. This is entirely his failing.

He MUST stop seeing this women immediately if there is hope of saving this relationship. If you decide you want to work through this, you have to understand that it is going to take time...forgiving him does not mean that the emotions vanish. You need to be patient with him and yourself as you try to work through things, and he must be patient with you. Additionally, he would need to prove, without question, that he knows he was wrong and that he is committed to this working. That takes a lot of time and effort out of the two of you. If one of you doesn't fully give in trying to work past this, it will fail. I have to confess here that I am not entirely confident that your husband will put forth what is needed...him "not believing in therapy" is, to me, both ignorant and a cop out. He has to be willing to do what it takes to save his marriage.

That is, of course, if you wish to work through things...I do not like advising married couples in what they should/shouldn't do in regards to staying together or divorcing, but your husband's callous behavior is grossly disrespectful to you. If you chose to leave, Lee gave fantastic advice that I hope you can follow.

Please know that you have my support in whatever you decide. Know that I am praying for you, and that I wish you my best.

Hugs,
Harley