still crying months later

Tonight I found myself crying my eyes out over J, the guy I liked, even though it's been a month and a half since he made it clear we weren't going to get together, and several months since we stopped being close. It was an unrequited love situation, although he did have feelings for me too and over the summer we spent a lot of time together almost like a couple. But he didn't feel right entering a relationship with me and told me he just wanted to be friends. He's dating someone else now.

It hurts so much losing him because I was so happy when we were together and I truly trusted him. It's really hard for me to trust people and to trust that I mean something to someone, but he was so kind and so present in my life, and I really trusted him. That's why it's so hard to see that I'm not important to him anymore. I keep thinking back to how happy I felt when we were a thing. I've lived a very lonely life so it made me feel happier than I have in years to have a nice guy like that in my life.

I have codependency/love addict issues, so I did get obsessed with him, but there was something real there too.

The situation is even trickier because we are also coworkers. We work together one on one three days a week. I see him and talk to him more than anyone else in my life. I've tried to stay friends with him and I do enjoy talking to him. Like I said I'm very isolated so I rely on his companionship. But it's hard seeing what we are now compared to what we used to be.

I have childhood abandonment issues (emotionally unavailable parents) so I know those issues are coming up. It destroys me when I'm not able to earn someone's love, because it's like I'm replaying my childhood trauma of not being able to earn my parent's love.

I really did like this guy and I really believed it was going to work out for me this time....

I feel deeply for you. In many ways I can relate. I want to encourage you to work on your own self esteem - it may sound strange but this man you're attracted to might be more interested in you if you let him go for a bit, work on yourself and basically try to ignore him. I've learned over the years that relationships come and go - we should not think that our value lies in whether we have a significant other or not. I too have spent time crying and crying over men and its a hard thing to avoid, but in the long run if you have things in your life that are meaningful, that keep you motivated, that you can fall back on when life sucks, it can get you through. Men are strange sometimes - he may suddenly want to do stuff with you again after a time. Try to keep a bit of communication open but show him that you've moved on, that you are a confident person and that you still want to remain friends. Best of luck to you.

Thanks. I have been doing a lot of self work since October when everything fell apart. I've been working on my other friendships as well (still needs a lot of work though). Today I saw J for the last time before our 3 week winter break. He gave me a hug goodbye and told me that I've been doing good lately. That's encouraging. He's going to Thailand on holiday and he also told me he'd email me when he arrives to let me know he's alive.

I feel really close to him, closer than any of my other friends, but I don't know if my standards are skewed due to rather isolated upbringing. I just wish I could have been able to take things to the next level :/