self esteem problem

i need some help.
I am 21 yrs old engg student .i am quite a studious & intelligent & i do not have as a good friend to talk,share because most of them may be jealous of me.
i am not something you would call as handsome but quite good looking and attractive.
recently i secured exellent job in campus,&i have fought most of the odds in my life on my own.
now i am having problem with my sex life.
generally i do not even able to look at another girl.& am so shy.
but now my sexual desires are coming out .
i am not being able to control desires now by 'self abuse' technique.
this is suppressing me and i feel so lost to desires and cannot concentrate in studies good enough.
i haven't talked with any girls in my college in 3 yrs of engg &if i go now and talk to them will only make me suspicious of me .
i have been trying VAJROLI MUDRA but i do not know how exactly it is done.& it is not helping me.
please help me .

I messaged u yesterday &thought about it all night& i found that i may not ha explained u my problem correctly.
let me start from my family.
i live in small family,financially weak.My father has screwed all his business & he is not 'understanding type of person rather is dominating type & arrogant&he has lost his cool.does nothing to earn now.
my mother is very kind &lovely,works hard day & night.
I have a twin brother,with whom i kind of have sibling rivalry from my childhood.
being the 'weak one' of premature twins i've always required to compete with my brother.
we brothers in our 10th &12th stds,when our family was about to tear apart,kept our head&studied well to get admisiions in 'autonomous colleges of engg'.
All of my life I've been underestimated by people around me.I proved I am also good.
my Bro's package 10lacs
mine 4 lacs.
I have been very introvert all my life.because of competition with my brother,& people's
'comparisons',i literally fought in school&colle

days to keep in good pace with my brother.
So i could not develop any other passion/hobbies.I could not make close friends,since most people around me think of me as 'studios,sincere,introvert,less talkative may be less funny.In my engg days i've been oversmart & get more than average marks with a little study,since my conceptual understanding is clear& good.
Now since i've no frndz,hobbies,nothing remains for a guy like me except studies & thinking abt sex.
Last 3-4 yrs since 'get more than average marks with a little study'my life has everything about Visualising about sex.
As i told in yesterday's message i could barely look at girls,but inside all i desire is 'a girl loving me'.Due to continuous self abuse i think my concentration in reading/studying has reduced (earlier i used to read 'sci-fi' books to keep 'sex thoughts away'.
But as now i have accomplished/secured a very good job in a good company( only 2 including me in whole class of 80) no need to study hard.

As i explained earlier last 3-4 yrs this self abuse has become predominant in my life.now these thoughts are taking me over.
My image in college is 'sincere,studious,not involving in earthly matters like all college boys do' So i can't talk with any other guy the problem i am facing.
We have WI_FI internet connection in our hostel.being poor i do not own laptop/mm mobile .since 'forbidden fruit is the sweetest',whenever i get chance alone on my roommates laptop i use net solely for 'porn stuff',which i do not get to see much often.& so always looking for it.I can't ask anybody to show me any stuff they've got since it will ruin my image & depress me more.
It is getting tougher to stay normal.
i keep self abusing on & on ,this has made me so diffident & pulled me inwards that i even do not like to talk/meet other people.
this is vicious cycle I do not succeed in doing new ----- frustration----- self abuse for stress busting-----do not feel doing anything.

now this S A hasn't been able to keep desires in me under control .i want it more & more.
The other day i even opened account on 'online dating sites to look for sex.
Later a part in me thought this is immoral & i deleted my account-after few weeks.
i've got something like dual personality,part of me wanting more & more and other keeps me out of reach of 'dangerous sex'.
In this tug of war my interest in life has drastically reduced & i am depressed.
neither i have been able to make frendz with girls one because i am shy &2nd i think i may ask any girl out so that the frndship will be ruined.Bad thoughts emerge ,so i've given up even looking at girls.
I feel like I am the worst human being.
LINKIN PARK "CRAWLING" song made for me.
''Crawling in my skin, these wounds they will not heal.
Fear as how i fall, confusing what is real!!!!'
I've never spilled all this before anybody else in my life.
i feel so lost
i am down on my knees. help me make normal
what do i need?
'

what shall i do?
please assure this message to be extremely private since i am going to join my dream company in 6-7 months.
most important dont thinki amany potentialcriminal,i respect women.

I am not sure what resources you have where you are at but you need to speak to a counselor. I don't know what your culture and upbringing in regards to sex but it sounds to me like you think it is "dangerous". If you are having religious clashes with your feelings it this was the way you were raised by your family the only way you will be able to come to term with this, is to get professional help so someone can get the whole picture.

How do you abuse yourself? I don't know where you are from or what your cultural rules are, but I can tell you that at 21, it is normal for a man to have strong sexual desires. That is when the "human male body" is at the height of sexuality "normally".

It is time for you to stop comparing yourself to your brother too. You are two seperate people and you will have different talents. You will have your own gifts so that is what you need to focus on and let yourself grow and develope "your way" and not think you have to be like or better than him.

I don't know if you have therapists where you are, but there should be a councelor at college you can talk to. Don't hurt yourself for having normal male desires, you cant change the fact that you are human.

Welcome to PC, I hope I helped you a little bit.

Open Eyes

i want u to tell me how to deal with women!

i just want sex ,sir,i think.how can i manage it?

sir just tell me what to do?

nobody has helped, please help me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

I have not been able to read the whole post due to its length and your using text lingo that I do not comprehend, but from what I have been able to understand:

1) You were the weaker premature twin and had to deal with an unusual degree of sibling rivalry all throughout your childhood. Some sibling rivalry is normal, but you went through too much. It seems that that experience colors everything you do in college now. You think that others might be jealous of your success and that line of thinking prevents you from having friends. This problem is non-sexual. Not at all. It has nothing to do with sexuality and it is a very serious problem that needs to be addressed. Because the issues with twins are very specific, and because there are now a lot of twins due to delayed reproduction and technology-assisted reproduction, you might be able to find a counselor who has experience with twins. Try that approach.

Once you have more friends, you will be exposed to more girls, as a collateral benefit. It is not the most direct route, but it is a necessary route, because you cannot continue living your whole life being afraid of other people's jealousy.

You seem to be both very studious and able, "But as now i have accomplished/secured a very good job in a good company( only 2 including me in whole class of 80) no need to study hard.", which is great, so you need to give attention to other areas of your life now. Your work and study habits and cognitive abilities are all fine. Social skills are not fine.

2) now if you can clarify why you cannot look at girls and what you call self abuse, we might look at the specific problems related to sexuality.

But (1) above is totally crucial, regardless of girls.

Hi djdj547,

You sound pretty normal to me. Have you tried opening up to girls more?

actually i did not get the 'Med's part!

no, i am afraid and shy.
i have given up.

well,you seem to be a kind helper,thanks.
i am really confused person,really.
all my life,people around me have compared me with my brother.
every second is like a competition when i am around people.
that's why may be i like to be alone.
it is not that i haven't tried to make friends.but whenever i try to take any person in confidence ,trust me, everybody has almost ignored my point of views.people instead tell me 'how their life is harder than me'. here too people compare with me and try to show me, how they are greater than me.
i am fed up of this competing environment.

try doing non-competitive activities. yoga is non-competitive. just try SOMETHING to get out of the state of 24/7 competition.