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  #1  
Old Jan 15, 2013, 01:40 PM
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madisgram madisgram is offline
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Location: Sunny East Coast Florida!
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this forum is partly about communication. my problem is that doesn't work with my brother. since early childhood he has been emotionally and verbally abusive to me. this carried forward in our adult life. he is 67 and i am 65 now. some examples-if i am in the same room with him he doesn't acknowledge i'm there. he purposely gives me no eye contact. he also will interupt a conversation i'm having with someone and take the floor. my granddaughter was brave enough to go up to him and ask, why are you so mean to my grammy.
recentlly he emailed me and said "you are a vile, angry and miserable person to be around." when i just don't read an email from him -it's too hard for me to deal with his pleasure in making me upset-he bombards my mailbox with subsequent emails. he speaks ugly of me to my siblings.
what i once thought was sibling rivalry has gone far beyond that. he tries to drive a wedge between me and my adult son. everyone thinks he is unreasonable in their relationships with him but no one calls him on it. his friends say, we like cal in spite of himself. everyone is stepping on egg shells. one never knows when he will strike.
i've come to the sad conclusion it is what it is. well i did that years ago. i avoid family gatherings most times when he attends. he embaresses me in front of others there. they are uncomfortable too but the pink elephant in the living room/his distain for me- is never brought up. his personality scares them yet they have a relationship of sorts with him.
i see him as a bully when it is in regards to me.
as children the same applied. an example of it was this-i had to go into his room about something. he angrily said, get out of my room. i don't want to breathe your air. i've never forgotten that cause there were so many times he did things like this. as a teenager he pushed me down the stairs. it was only when my father came home that it was believed as truth. my brother denied any wrongdoing. i had a black bruise from my upper thigh to my knee. i showed it to my father. my mother had ignored my plea for help when the incident occured. i was terrified.
my problem is this-how do you protect yourself emotionally? i feel like he wishes to be as ugly as possible to me. to make me cower. when i send him some family info, including a death in our family, he just forwards it back to me.
why?why? why? i understand the psychological meaning of this but my problem is not knowing how to not feel so depressed when he attempts to make me miserable. i don't believe i'm giving him the power cause i avoid him. it's not a comfortable situation for me. so i distance myself from him whenever possible. somehow i think that also gives him pleasure..me excluding myself. he knows he's pushing me away from everyone else!
yesterday an incident occured. i don't know why i never posted this before.
comments, please, of a solution for me. i am angry of his treatment towards me but i stuff it and get depressed. there seems to be no healthy solution other than what i've already done. i would love to confront him about this and be done with it but it would only give him nore ammunition.
sorry for the long post. i feel i 'vomitted' up some of the pain.
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Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle.
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Anonymous12111009, optimize990h

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  #2  
Old Jan 15, 2013, 02:07 PM
Anonymous12111009
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He is very similar to my brother. I grew up with his vile sarcasm and put downs. I did not have a name. He called me every derogatory name he could think up rather than call me by my name. I was ridiculed and laughed at in the sight of his friends and of our family.

For me cutting him off completely (along with the rest of my family) was the only thing I could do. Going on 15+ years now since being connected to my family and I'm better for it. The anger still remains but has become more bearable.

I think you're doing all you can exept taking his email and creating a filter that deletes them automaticaly. I would take taht step so you're not tempted to read and respond. I think that alone would do you a world of good.

Hope this helps
~S4
  #3  
Old Jan 15, 2013, 02:16 PM
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optimize990h optimize990h is offline
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Member Since: Jun 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 6,508
It sounds like he has had a lot of resentment towards you and chosen to hang onto it all these years,IMO. It is hard to change your emotions from his behaviour because he is "pushing the buttons" to keep things the way he prefers. It's difficult to let go and let a higher power take control when your negative feelings arise. That you are able to express yourself about it is positive. It shows that you are ready to try to get over his attitude towards you.
I have not been in such a situation as you, so I can't offer you advice that will be effective.I don't if a T would be helpful for you, but it's an option to consider.

Take care.
  #4  
Old Jan 15, 2013, 03:01 PM
anonymous82113
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I bet he can't even remember what it is he may have been mad at you as children.

You sound upset, confused - and more than hurt. As with all things in life, I try to keep away from the source of negative feelings. Yes, it may be that you miss out on family events etc. But if its something like a b'day, perhaps your close family could take turns in inviting you and him, so never at the same event.

As for his emails - delete them all. See if you can block is email address, so it goes straight into the spam folder. Then you'll not see them, unless check. Or change your email address? And I would stop telling him anything concerning the family via email so he has nothing to be sent back to you.

It will be hard at first, but speaking from experience, it does get easier as time goes on. Start caring less = stops hurting so much.

Oh - and why were you in his room? Do you live together?
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