[lonelyone]

Why is it when I'm insulted by someone, I don't realize it till hours later? Sometimes I wonder if I'm not retarded or something.

On Christmas Eve,we went to the in-laws like we do year after year (family tradition). Anyways, I have this one sister-in-law who recently moved to some tony spot in Florida with her son and husband. She's always been a kind of a snob. Her husband recently had heart problems and my husband didn't call her directly to see how he was doing. We were just filled in my other family members. I told hubby to call but he never got around to it. Anyways, I guess she's pretty upset about that and was subtly throwing out little insults to me.

The thing is, the next day it dawns on me that I've been insulted! It's really weird because I wish I could realize it right as she's saying it but I must put up a wall or something because I just smile and wonder why she's saying the stuff she does.

Tthe family was talking about how people resemble others. People used to think this sister-in-law and I could pass for sisters. We both have the same coloring and eye color, whatever. Anyways, she commented on how I resembled her two sisters (didn't mention herself). Her sisters are nice, but they do not look like me. They have different hair colors, are not at all pretty, and one of them resembles a boy! What was that about? Why couldn't I come to some kind of defense or smart remark back at her?

How can I stay on my toes to protect myself from these insults? I'll do that a lot. I won't realize what's being implied till after the fact. I feel like some goofball that doesn't have any self-esteem or whatever. When I see or talk to her, should I be on the defense for sarcastic remarks? How does one go from a "doormat" to standing up for herself?

[krzyk101]

Hi Lonlyone,

I am sorry to hear that you were insulted and feelings hurt. I guess I really dont know how to not be a "doormat", I face similar situations myself. I have found if I tell the person directly, that I am feeling Hurt or insulted by what they are saying or doing to me, that they sometimes will back off. On some situations My mental health stops me from doing that. For example, when I am severly depressed I tend to just "take it" because although I am upset about the situation I sometimes just do not feel I have the strength to fight it. I am working with my T on being more assertive in social situations. It is very hard and scary for me to stand up to them, out of fear I will be hurt worse. I hope you feel better and I just wanted you to know that this happens to someone else aswell.

Take care

KRZYKRIS

If you think you have totally gave up, you haven't, because you are here!

[conklinca]

I also fail to notice insulting comments, sometimes, so cannot say how not to be this way. On the up side--when insulted, it is often best to ignore the insults than react to them anyway. (Wow, I sound like a mom--is this what babies do to people?) You'll have an easier time of not getting sucked into stupid arguments and looking foolish than most people!

[Peanut61]

I usually don't respond, either, and I think that's OK sometimes; it really just depends on the situation. Sometimes, I get that 'doormat' feeling, and that's not good, but more often than not, it's just not worth it to respond in kind.

I guess it's about how you feel afterward. I'm glad that you brought up this topic. I think it's a good one for discussion of an issue that many of us have.

Warmly, Peanut

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT</font color=blue>

[Jewel]

Sometimes people are rude and insulting but you don't have to take it personally or necessarily confront it, even if you don't feel good about it.

You already said your sister-in-law is a snob. So, who cares what she thinks? The most important relationship in that picture is between you and your husband, and it didn't sound like you had any problems with him or vice versa.

Bottom line is that other people have problems too and sometimes it is best to let things slide. After all, we all want other people to overlook our own behavior problems! If this is not just a one-time type of thing but is recurrent, that is a different situation and you have to assess whether it is better to find a way to talk to her about it, or to just avoid/minimize situations where you have to deal with her.

Good luck!

[Audrey]

Lonelyone,
I think your reply to your sister-in-law was awsome! If everyone else doesn't compare you to someone who is ugly, then she is just making a fool out of herself, and basically, were the bigger person who just "blew her off". In fact, i probably would have deliberatly did what you did. At least you have class enough to not look for ways to insult people. (which is what you would have to do in order to be able to keep up with weird comments like that.. which IMO is exhausting)

[Audrey]

LonelyOne,
Just as a sidenote, that's happened to me before too. In fact I think it happens to everyone. No one can be on the defensive 100% of the time, no matter how much they would like to try.
-Audrey