[Thornlover]

My children and I have battled to maintain some sort of relationship since their Dad asked me to leave the home in 2007 due to undiagnosed Bipolar Disorder. My son is now 23, has graduated college, and lives 2 hours away where he is employed full time and truly beginning his life. His latest text to me says, "Have you done what's necessary to make me feel that I was cared for no matter what? I will NEVER accept that it is both of our responsibilities (our relationship)...I will never accept the fact that me being a legal adult somehow negates the fact that I am your son and you are the parent. Wanting to be "treated as an adult" does not mean that I don't want you to take it upon yourself to make a relationship with me as any parent should."

Background is that I had a spotless reputation until stress of taking care of the family broke me in 2006. My ex had 12 jobs in 24 years of marriage, including two periods of unemployment and a failed business funded by my family and friends. Our kids were raised in church where I was on staff. I went on field trips with my kids, had large, themed-birthday parties for my kids, was active in PTA, and directed a kids choir at church.
My son usually made straight A's except he would make a C in Conduct.
This mainly came from verbal comments he would make in protest. He got in serious trouble one time at 15 when a group decided to break car windows. He paid a fine, did community service, wrote apologies, etc. He graduated Cum Laude from a private university.

Help me understand what he is saying and what to do about it. Please.

[MudCrab]

Hello, Thornlover. I am not sure I might be of help. Your son has a lot of anger. He seems to think you have an obligation to take steps sufficient to convince him you and he may have a relationship. Something has caused him to think your love for him was contingent.

Good luck.

[RomanSunburn]

The only way to really understand your son is to ask him. I also think you should probably try to ask him in person or on the phone. The written word can be a lot harder to understand or to use for serious, in depth conversations. Perhaps you could suggest meeting up for lunch/dinner/coffee just to talk.

From what you said and from what your son's text says, I think there has been a misunderstanding or a miscommunication. It sounds like you did a lot to show your support for your children, but he might have needed support in a different way. I think you should ask him what exactly he wants from you. What is this "what is necessary" mean, entail? What is it in his mind? What does a parent-child relationship look like to him? Maybe to him, showing love and support for him is actually taking care of yourself and receiving treatment for your Bipolar? But again, there's really no way of knowing what is going on in his mind without asking him.

I do have to say, I don't agree that a parent-child relationship is all on the parent. I am not a parent, but I am a little bit older than your son. And I believe all relationships require give and take from both sides. Just because my mother is my mom doesn't mean I shouldn't be understanding of what is going on in her life. But at the same time, she should be understanding of what is going on in my life. We've gone through rough patches, but I believe we have always had and always will have a very strong relationship because we make a point of communicating with each other (and apologizing when we need to, both of us). And not just the events of what's happening, but talking to each other like "real" people, real adults. While being young and dependent on my mother was a very special relationship, I think being an adult, on equal footing with her is a new, exciting experience where parent and child become more than just parent and child, they become friends... I invite her to visit me not out of filial obligation, but because I enjoy spending time with her as a person that has similar interests to mine.

I'm sorry if I wasn't much help. I hope you are able to build a relationship with your son again. Just remember to take care of yourself first.

[avlady]

remember this too is also like a phase in growing up. I have a 22 year old son,sometimes I get nervous around him for the lack of communication, i sometimes just don't know what to say or how to bring a subject up. Ifind it if i leave it to him to first bring it up it helps,giving him the choice and not me.there are times although when something has to be said by me but otherwise i've seen changes in him socially, he tells me he is self conscious and the doc put him on Zoloft, of which he had a reaction to, but otherwise if he didn't bring it up he would never let me know. i don't know if this is right but sometimes we as parents have to step back and see what happens, as I've learned. Take care of yourself first. he will sooner or later have to take care of himself first too.

I am not sure what he means exactly.. I hope you do ask him.

I do know that relationships change, at least I think they should. When children become adults, I think its healthier for the parent and child to become friends. And with all relationships, they require effort in order to be a healthy, successful one.