[Big Mama]

I have been contemplating leaving my H for many years now. I don't know how much more I can take of his s***. I have put up w/ rudeness, OCD, control issues, I'm tired, I'm spunt, and I'm done. That being said I'm done but not stupid. I have copies of alot of our legal documents. I have a few more to copy w/ taxes coming up and all. I want to have a solid game plan before I just up and decide to leave.

I've got 3 kids. And child support is another thing that concerns me. I have not worked in 15 years. I don't want to rake the man over the coals and leave him w/ nothing to live off of. The government seems to do a fine job of that. I hate to see men struggle and not have groceries or rent money because the government has set this crazy rate for child support. That's not what I'm after. It is the father of my children for crying out loud. If it hurts him it hurts them. I would like to figure out something between us that is going to leave us both in a situation where we can have a life outside of one another. But I have no idea where to start and what factors to even consider. Transportation, housing, electric, phone, clothes, insurance, school lunches. If anyone has any advice to add please feel free to give me factors to consider. Thanks anyone who can help.

[Leed]

Well, you know what your bills are. And you have to be able to pay them. Are you going to work outside the home if you leave? I don't know if you've mentioned that or not. You get disability, don't you? If I remember correctly, I think you do. But I can't rely on my memory, since I have brain damage. (which i did to myself, by the way) My memory sucks.

Sweetie, you really can't worry about him if you do decide to leave. Your FIRST AND ONLY consideration is those children. He can get a 2nd job. Don't go soft on him -- he certainly never did for you. And like I said, you've GOT to think of those kids first -- of what they're going to need, and not 2nd-hand either!!! Going into middle school and high school is hard enough without wearing used clothing. Don't do that to them. I did that early on in middle school to my kids, and they were miserable --- so I had to stop.

So make sure you have your bills covered, plus extra for incidentals. Include everything you can think of --- don't forget medical like prescriptions, etc. And YOU are going to need new stuff too --- when is the last time YOU had anything new? Years, right? I thought so.

Whatever you decide --- we're with you. You've been thru holy heck. How you've lasted this long is beyond me. You've tried harder to save this marriage than anyone else I've ever known. So NO ONE can say that you didn't try! God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

[hamster-bamster]

I am in the opposite shoes, I am going to pay support since he took the children, but the idea is the same, to look at actual spending.

[hamster-bamster]

It took me many hours but now I am done filling out my income and expense declaration. It was eye opening. I tallied up my rent, electricity, landline/internet, cell phone bills, auto expenses, groceries, eating out, laundry, etc. etc. Ended up with more than I thought I would...

[Big Mama]

It adds up to be quite alot. I am afraid if we do go our seperate ways, he is not going to be to pleased w/ the amount I ask for. He never buys there clothes, pays for school lunches, gives them money to go do stuff w/ friends or for birthday parties. He has no idea how much stuff costs. Two teenage boys eat a whole bunch. I'm sure one day the little one will eat something besides mac and cheese.

Don't leave it up to him and it's not something you ask for. if you leave, you take the kids, he owes. period. He's farked you over int he marriage, god knows you've tried from all your posts... and he has given nothing. The least he can do is pay for his kids and support you.

I am 100% behind leed in that you cannot/should not worry about him if you're leaving. You're leaving because you have to and because he already didn't pull his weight as a husband so if he doesn't like it, oh well. Your priority is the kids. His priority should be too once you leave and that means doing whatever he needs to to pay their way and care for them. Period. No ifs, ands or buts.

Also don't try to calculate it and figure out a fair amount. let the court do that. Too much complexity in figuring it all out plus I have this. Do you really think he'd be fair to you if he was the one deciding? Dont' cast your pearl before swine. I know I've said this before but if you're leaving, if you decide to do so, make the cut. Make it clean, do it without any wishy washiness. you're leaving to take care of YOU and the KIDS. he'll be out of the picture so leave him out of your worries.

Hope this helps.

[Big Mama]

S4 - thank you for your continued support. I have T tomorrow and who knows how that will go. I have not fully decided to leave yet, but the decision is getting more and more clear. I'm getting so tired of all this. I jsut want it to go away and stop.

Thanks again for your support.

[tarmyg]

hugs Big Mama.... a lot going on for you.

[Big Mama]

Tarmyg thank you for listening.