[NoCake]

I've never been a worldly person... A lot of the things I do are largely routine and don't require much thought to do. I guess this became a social problem for me. I've never really felt like people could trust me. My family never did. They were behind me but I felt they never really trusted me. They just let me go because I was 18. I find myself in a lot of situations that I can't handle well - ones that maybe someone else could handle better. And because of this I normally don't get close to anyone.

I'm always saying things to people that make them feel uncomfortable or I act in a way that makes them feel as if they have hurt me and I always end up pushing them away somehow. It's never intentional but I always manage to do this. So I usually don't bother with friendship and things like that. I always nag about how important it is but I tend to avoid it. Whenever someone does get close to me and I manage not to tick them off I manage to get clingy and screw it up. One way or another I do something to hurt someone. I never physically harm anyone. But my actions and words are just so poorly chosen that I feel like I hurt everyone around me regardless of my intentions.

I don't want to hurt anyone but I feel like I don't know how not to in a way. It's hard for me to be natural because I'm always waiting to make a mistake. And whenever I let my guard down I end up hurting someone. I guess it's getting to the point where I don't even trust myself any more. There are a lot of good people here and out there and I don't want them to have to avoid me because I don't know what I'm doing. I don't even know what to ask. It's a problem and I just don't know what to do about it. I'd be grateful for any help.

[0w6c379]

I don't know all that's going on with you but it sounds like you might be a little too honest with people? When feelings come gushing out without thought I tend to think they are your true thoughts? Have you ever noticed that? If so, then maybe it would be best to let others hold up the conversation while you work on thinking before you speak. We all have to think first by the way. Many of us occasionally let something slip that we shouldn't have said but you don't want that to be the case most of the time. You might want to consciously try saying "nice" things to people, like complimenting them on their appearance. For example, a friend tells you they just bought this new T-shirt they're wearing. You think the color is terrible, but you don't tell them that. You say "oh I like that design". You find something nice to say about it (even if it's not quite true - it won't kill you). Get it? People love it when you say something nice about their appearance, their car, the book they're reading, etc.

I'm not worldly either but I ask people questions, like "where do you work/go to school?", "how is the commute?", "what movies have you seen lately?" One thing leads to another and this really gets people talking. Just try not to get too personal with the questions. Let others do the talking until you gain more confidence. You really can learn a lot by listening. Try to ensure that everything you say is on a positive note. Don't give up because, as you say, it is important to have friends.

[hamster-bamster]

You need skills training. Social skills. Look for a therapist who can deliver that. You have identified the problem well, so good job, you are halfway there, now you need a professional who would help with the solution. And, excellent insight from Michellle.

[NoCake]

Thank you for the replies. I am definitely not insulting people. I just have a knack for saying awkward things... Of course thinking about what I say is important but that takes a long time if you know what I mean...

[hamster-bamster]

If you analyze situations after they happen and determine what should have been said, ideally, would it help you feel less awkward next time a similar situation occurs?

[NoCake]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

If you analyze situations after they happen and determine what should have been said, ideally, would it help you feel less awkward next time a similar situation occurs?

Well yes but then I feel sorry for the other bloke.

[hamster-bamster]

I know, you feel regret and regret can be so strong, consuming the entire you. But regret blocks the chance to learn from experience. It is known that teams in the workplace who do not analyze failures repeat them. Those that do, learn. In the workplace, it can be called different names: post mortem, lessons learned, root cause analysis, but the idea is the same. It is very painful but helpful. Otherwise you are flying blind, repeating mistakes.

I still think though that it would be faster with a skilled T who can give you more feedback and new ideas.

[NoCake]

Thanks for all the help. I really appreciate it.

[hamster-bamster]

I also thought i'd mention since you came on PC and thus, chances are, are mentally ill... there is also the possibility of depression doing you in. I do not deny inexperience being a factor but also consider the factor of depression. I am naturally fine socially, most of the time, intuitively knowing what to say and when to smile and how to be charming, but not when depressed. I lost two interviews a year ago despite having a perfectly fitting resume, and when I look back, I see two common factors. I had strong visible hand tremor from Depakote (which I have since dropped) and I was depressed and lost. So I did not shine. Employers do not want to hire girls with poorly hidden sadness and despair in the eyes and shaking hands. And not just employers. Keep it in mind.

[shezbut]

(((NoCake)))

It sounds to me as though you are a bit hypersensitive. Feeling anxious and low self-esteem. That's how I perceived your post, anyway.

I am certainly far from being worldly, but I do have a lot of experience with suffering from low self-esteem. I have always had that problem. One of the tendencies that runs along with the low self-esteem is the bad habit of avoiding a lot of public situations..and anxiety when I am in the public. I scrutinize every aspect of myself. How I look, how I sound, what I am saying or thinking, etc... "Do I sound like a dummy?" or "Why that long pause? They must not like me. I am so stupid! I hate myself!". The criticism list quickly goes on and on. Even posting here on PC for over 3 years ~ I am hypersensitive over how people will react to my posts. Did I say the right thing/s? Should I have kept my opinions to myself? I probably bug people. I should only post a quick, reassuring response to people. All kinds of negative thoughts plague me.

And then, I get reassuring responses or posts on my page that continue to encourage me. So, I fight my negative thoughts and post anyway. Even as I type this, part of me nags me to shut up! It's very hard to know what the right thing to do is. But, from my experience, I know that I have to push myself to do things that I'm uncomfortable doing...and it slowly becomes easier.

I HOPE that I've made some sense to you. Try not to let your anxieties limit your goals and experiences. You could miss some terrific things!

[hamster-bamster]

Shez, you are a TERRIFIC contributor. Never doubt that.

[NoCake]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

I also thought i'd mention since you came on PC and thus, chances are, are mentally ill... there is also the possibility of depression doing you in. I do not deny inexperience being a factor but also consider the factor of depression. I am naturally fine socially, most of the time, intuitively knowing what to say and when to smile and how to be charming, but not when depressed. I lost two interviews a year ago despite having a perfectly fitting resume, and when I look back, I see two common factors. I had strong visible hand tremor from Depakote (which I have since dropped) and I was depressed and lost. So I did not shine. Employers do not want to hire girls with poorly hidden sadness and despair in the eyes and shaking hands. And not just employers. Keep it in mind.

Thank you but this may be something other than depression. It would be easy for me to say otherwise but I think it's just a problem with me. I was probably doing this before I even had depression. And it's not really a matter of being shy either. It's at it's worst when I am not shy. It comes from a time when all my problems could be solved by opening a book. I became arrogant and now I'm afraid that I hurt someone else because my ego got in the way. And where does a guy like me get an ego anyway?

Regardless I don't even know if seeing a T is possible for me right now. I have so many other problems that such a thing seems like a luxury... But thank you for all your help. I don't know how to fix this but I'm probably going to be on my own.

[hamster-bamster]

Your avatar says it all: a difficult problem to solve!