Once bitten, twice shy

My first reaction is "what is wrong with me?"

This guy contacts me off Yahoo. We meet last night, just hung out and talked and took a walk with his dogs. At the end of the night he kissed me and said he'd call. I wrote back when I got home and said I had a good time. He writes back this morning and said he had to be honest, didn't feel anything more for me than being friends, and when he kissed me and got turned on that that was a bad thing, but he was too chicken to tell me last night.

What the hell? If someone sees me as being "just friends" why the hell would he kiss me, and why would ENJOYING IT be a bad thing?

Yahoo calculated my age wrong too. I entered my proper birth year but it knocks a year off my age, which is still 3 years above his cutoff. He wants someone 28-40. I'm 44, he's 36. He seemed surprised when he asked how old I was and said 44. He goes "your profile says 43." Big f'ing whoop. I was out of his age range either way, so why did he contact me?

Oh, and he asked several times if I wanted to come to his apartment. So, in his opinion I'm nice, I'm physically attractive, he wants to take me home (which I didn't take him up on) but he only sees me as "a friend."

Story of my dating life. I'm SOOOOOO SICK of hearing "you're nice, but...."

My gut reaction is to write off all guys as jerks again, crawl back into withdrawal mode and hole up in my house.

sounds like he was attracted to you but maybe he was scared of his own emotions! don't give up hon!! there are still good ones out there!

I don't know. I think I'm too picky.

I have no interest in men with overgrown facial hair, beer guts, and a Packers/camoflage wardrobe, so my options are slim to none in my age range in my geographical location. That's what's contacted me so far. I can't even count the numbers of pictures I've seen of guys in hunting or fishing gear, holding up their newly acquired trophy.

And if I read one more description that uses the word "loyal" I'm just going to stick with a dog.

I still wonder what's wrong with me. I'd just gotten back to the point where I felt confident enough to get my dating feet wet again, and the first time out of the gate I get shot down in a private message. The guy's an ex-Marine and a current prison guard, and he was too chicken to tell a 5', 115 pound woman to her face that he didn't feel anything.

Is always good to be picky... and by the description of the guy, he doesn't sound much like your type.... And besides, if he kept asking you to go to his place, seems he had only one thing on his mind, in my opinion........Hang in there.... Remember the old saying you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find the prince...or something like that... Make dating fun and try not to get to serious about it..... Maybe the not so handsome ones can maybe be the best ones.... Looks isn't everything...... the "heart" is what counts... well the heart is what counts to me... ooooooo and a sense of humor goes a long way... love a guy that can make me laff..........

Sounded like he just wanted a pants party for himself.....sounds like the typical male thing. I wouldn't date him agian or even allow myself to feel crappy over it. He's probably disappointed that you didn't want to hop in bed with him when he wanted you too. Sorry you had to go through that, but I'm sure there will be others.

Oh no Wi_fighter -- I didn't understand that at ALL in your phone message - I thought you said he emailed you but your voice sounded excited so I thought it was a good thing. Crapola

Don't you dare give up. For all you know, he could just be trying to preempt you out of fear that you might do the same thing to him.

I'm sorry sweetie ((( S )))

uh yeah i agree with deserae (sorry i think i spelt the name wrong) sounded like he was trying to get you into the sack... sometimes people aren't really looking for proper relationships they are more looking for that...

you deserve better you know. i sympathise that MOST guys aren't suitable for you at all... but you know what... there only needs to be one mr right. just can be hard to meet...

what kind of hobbies are you into? sometimes the best way to meet potential partners can be to do hobby stuff..

You don't like beer guts??? What's wrong with you??? LOL!

I've met guys from personal ads, and I've learned a few things. Always be skeptical when talking online with someone, and even after you've met them for the first few times. People can be anyone and anything online. When you first meet, you seek to find what you have in common, and it's usually after the newness wears off that you start really finding out how compatible you are. Sometimes you get lucky, and find out sooner, but this is just a general rule of thumb.

Always meet the first few times in a public place. And make it clear to the person you're meeting that "meeting in a public place" doesn't mean going off to a private place later that same date. Seems a lot of the guys I met didn't get that. I'd have dinner with them (roughly an hour of getting to know each other), and they'd want to go somewhere to be alone. I don't know if you're a crazy person after only an hour (well, maybe sometimes)! I want to know more about a guy before I spend time alone with him. And I recommend the same for guys when it comes to girls, or same-sex partners. The point is, you don't know anyone, but at least spending time with them will hopefully give you a better idea.

Don't give up. There are good guys (and gals) out there; you just have to fish.

Just had date #2 due to Yahoo Personals.

It didn't go well. He seemed to really like me, but he was getting too touchy feely. He kept playing with my hair and gave me a couple of kisses on my cheek/neck. Then when we were by his car, he hugged me and tried kissing me on the lips and then called me "honey." He also wanted my address "or you won't be able to get flowers and candy."

I'm kind of freaking out right now. He knows my name and number. He can punch it in to any of the phone book sites and get my address. Even if he only knew my name and city, he'd be able to find it.

Shirley, personally, I think he's going too fast. Probably nothing more, BUT... You might want to listen to your INTUITION!

Tell him that you need to take it slower. If he's okay with that in word and DEED, then he's probably okay.

Hey, if I was a guy, I might wanna rush you! LOL You're pretty darn good looking!!

He just left me feeling really uneasy. He first contacted me on Sunday night, not even four days ago. We've exchanged a few e-mails. He was "we've been talking online for soooooo long, let me just look at you now." He called me his "one and only" in e-mail too.

He looked quite a bit different than his pictures too. He said they were just taken this spring. He looked healthy in them. Today, he was all gaunt looking. He even pointed out that he's missing a lens in his glasses.

I'm feeling really creeped out right now.

Uh... Now you're creeping ME out! If nothing else, he sounds desperate. He's also not truthful ... and doesn't care about himself if he met you with half his glasses!! Some first impression!

Listen to your INTUITION, Shirley...

Tomi, I AM listening to my intuition. I'm just freaking out that he's going to look my address up online and show up on my doorstep one of these days.

I was walking on the street side of the sidewalk. He told me that I needed to walk to the inside. He kept grabbing me around the waist and pulling me towards his side. *shudder* I wasn't sending ANY signals that any of that was welcomed. I think I even kind of tensed up to let him know it was not OK.

He was nice enough, just not at all like he came across online, and way too grabby within half an hour of meeting me.

Back to the limited pool of possibilities.

I know this can be scary. Trust your instincts. You won't ever feel good being with him, so forget him.

You can delete your name and address from most of the phone books online...you have to look hard on some sites, but they usually have a place to edit. You'd want to do that anyway.

I have been on several dates via Yahoo...and none of them are forward at all! (Maybe it's me? IDK one brought me a rose )

This guy does sound a bit controlling. IMO

Why not become MORE picky and narrow your search preferences. When someone contacts you that doesn't meet expectations/choices (and esp if you see you don't meet his via his profile) then send him a "sorry.." message.

It's a matter of odds...you have to go through many frogs first, from what I understand. lol

NOW... WHEN you first make a date, copy the guy's profile either to your computer or print it out. Also, send it to a friend via email, or even send it in a PM to someone here... Give the day and time of the date, what you think you'll wear, etc. Give you cell phone number (if you have one) also. Keep your cell phone on at all times, you can be tracked as long as it's on.

That way if he takes you for a longer drive than you want, someone knows all about it! Not a nice thought, but it will help you feel a little safer.

I deleted it from Yahoo, but it takes up to 48 hours after you place a request.

I didn't have any luck finding a place to request a delete on MSN or Anywho. There are so many phone number/address search pages out there, I don't even know if I could find them all.

I already have really strict search criteria, but guys still keep contacting me who don't meet many of my preferences at all. That's just how they are. They throw out as many hooks as possible hoping that someone will bite. It's all a numbers game.

just a thought but have you tried Eharmony.com? that is suppose to be a really good place.

I used to be a member of eharmony.. When I went back and reread the agreement, I saw where it makes you certify that you are HEALTHY.

( When I added something about disability... the 5 guys I was chatting with blocked me..that's what made me go back and read the agreement again.) Of course, I had to quit eharmony.

eHarmony is also a Christian dating site. They won't be getting my business.

UGH! Aw man - I am so sorry!

I wonder if there are any articles in yahoo personals that give after-the-fact advice about this situation...?

I looked. I didn't find anything other than how to break it to someone gently that they're not going to work out. I couldn't find anything about someone being too grabby.

Hi, WI...I remember reading your insightful, intelligent posts when I was here a few months ago, but at that time you were not thinking of dating. It sounds like you have made a lot of personal progress and are now wanting to meet people. Please do not be discouraged about these two meetings...the first and second fella. I recall from your pics that you are a very attractive gal! In my opinion, the behavior of the second fella was entirely inappropriate. Why would you want to be physically affectionate to a man you just met...and you didn't! He's in a BIG hurry and that's a big red flag! I hope he doesn't harrass you!

As for Internet dating, we hear the "success stories" on the commercials, but I think it is exaggerated. I live in a small WV town, teach middle schoolers and have virtually no opportunity to meet men, so from age 47 after divorce till last year (age 54), I tried the Internet dating thing. All were disasters, though some developed to longer relationships than they should have if I had been thinking in a healthy way! The last debacle was what brought me to this forum.
Don't be discouraged, but DO be PICKY!!!!
Patty

I wrote him an e-mail telling him thanks for lunch but that I was really uncomfortable and that it wasn't going to work. He just sat there at the table and didn't have a thing to say. When I mentioned that, he said he was "just relaxing." He was the one to ask me to lunch, but when he got there he said he wasn't hungry because he already ate. Then he commented on "boy, you've almost eaten all of that salad." Well, duh, we were meeting for lunch, I was hungry, and it was a small chicken salad that wasn't all that filling. He kept saying kind of stupid things to the wait staff. If you knew he was just trying to be funny, it would have been funny, but these kids just didn't get it and weren't amused. I was kind of embarrased for him. He said he wanted a Coke. They said they only had Pepsi products. "I want a Coke. OK, Pepsi's fine." Then he said he wanted the clam linguine. This is a mom and pop restaurant, roast beef and mashed potatoes and breakfast-all-day kind of place. I thought he was trying to be inappropriately funny. When we first sat down, the first thing out of his mouth was "So say something funny." Geeez, I can't be funny on command. Give me a break.

Talk about a disaster.

Okay...WI,
Was this the first date with this second fella or a second meeting with him...I'm confused.
I can tell you from "vast" dating experience, that someon who mistreats wait staff is a big red flag...even if he thinks he's being funny. (I could write a book about this kind of stuff!)....One first meeting at Uno's a fella cried over his Surf and Turf over his ex girlfriend and then got so mad when I shook hands with him and didn't invite him up to my home that he wrote me several emails about cutting up fat men in his bathtub! Really!
Seriously, WI, be very discerning and selective, remembering the lovely and intelligent woman you are while meeting these men. I liken the Internet dating phenomena to throwing a hook into the vast ocean and pulling out who knows what kind of monster. Maybe you'll hook a gem, but in the meantime, be very selective!
Patty

Patty, this was a first meeting with a different guy.

I don't know if I'm a loser magnet, or if I just give up because that's all I seem to attract and then never get to the good stuff.

... I think it's because you have a limited selection. It's NOT you, trust me! You're terrific!