[RomanSunburn]

I'm just curious... We see a lot of members on this forum, especially younger ones, that don't feel capable of talking to their parents about serious issues in their lives. Personally, I find that a real shame. I feel as if parents should be your strongest support system and be able to offer you guidance and advice, but still let you make your own mistakes. And then if do make mistakes, help you to understand them and yet still feel safe and respected.

I think that's a fairly lofty ideal... But here's my question.. How do you DO that? What would make you feel able to talk to your parents? What specific things can parents do to make their children, at any age, feel safe and capable of having a real, in depth conversation with them? Or, for parents out there, how have you achieved this?

The other thing is I feel like not being able to or comfortable with talking to your parents leads to how you interact with others in your life, such as future spouses.

[NoCake]

I've never been close to my parents. We get along but we just don't talk often and we just don't relate in any way other than religion. And even there we are different in many ways... The other thing is that they're very sensitive so if I did have a problem they'd just overreact and stress over it. So depression is simply not something I can talk to them about. I love them of course - we just don't talk too often.

[hamster-bamster]

I have known men whose sons and daughters - adults ones - would tell them everything about their love life. I have always been totally amazed. I have known a guy, who has since died of heart attack, who not only knew everything about his son and daughter's lives, but also their classmates' and friends' because they confided in him - he was someone who would have been voted "the coolest parent of the year" for being super accessible, friendly, non-judgmental, etc. (this particular guy was an artist with a bohemian lifestyle, but the others have been more conventional white collar professionals). I knew someone... he was an international tax lawyer and a music lover, though this is irrelevant... whose daughter was at that time 14 and he told her "when you want to smoke marijuana for the first time, please come to me because it is unpredictable what might happen and I want to be able to guide and protect you". Unfortunately I have lost touch of them and do not know what ensued, but you get the point. That is how you earn your children's trust.

[hamster-bamster]

In other words, non-judgmental, caring, involved, compassionate, and, a little cool.

[hamster-bamster]

And, obviously, not do improper things. My dad was fairly cool, non-judgmental, and easy-going... but after CSA between my being 16-18 I later did not confide much in him... for obvious reasons.

[firefighter369]

to me my parents ruined me talking to the, by always threating to send me to the hospital....like when I started self harm I went to my parents yelled and said if I do it again im getting sent away....truthfully they don't really give me good advice....they try I know they do but they just don't....I go to my father for advice on how to handle bad fire or ems calls he tells you get used to it and walks away....so basically I deal with it myself or go to my fire chief....but basically I cant go to my parents because they don't know how to handle it

[gon3withth3wend]

There are a lot of reasons. I think one tip for parents would be to watch how they talk about other kids. If my parents say bad things about people may age that say, drink or have sex (which they do often) I'm not going to tell them about that stuff because I know what they'd think of it. I have a weird relationship with my parents.. Through all the things they've put me through (supporting my sexual abuser over my safety, and essentially telling me to get over it) I love them. They've regained a certain element of trust naturally - I'm not actually a rebellious kid. I deal with them every day, I cant disrespect them. I also never really know how they will react to even the smallest things.

I like that my parents think I'm good, and they praise me for not doing things that they don't know I've done. I think that lots of kids that don't tell their parents stuff just don't want to disappoint them or shock them. I want my parents to be proud of me. I also don't want them to worry about me. So we don't talk about bad things I've done or most of my feelings or personal thoughts.

[High Treason]

I love my parents and consider myself to be pretty close with them. However, there is no way in hell I would ever talk to them about sex or drugs or depression and probably some other stuff. The only conversation about sex that ever took place with my parents was riding in the car when my dad suddenly said something like "You know you should wear a condom if you have sex, right?" and I was like "yep" and then we quickly changed the subject. I was 19.

[whoswho]

Originally Posted by gon3withth3wend

There are a lot of reasons. I think one tip for parents would be to watch how they talk about other kids. If my parents say bad things about people may age that say, drink or have sex (which they do often) I'm not going to tell them about that stuff because I know what they'd think of it. I have a weird relationship with my parents.. Through all the things they've put me through (supporting my sexual abuser over my safety, and essentially telling me to get over it) I love them. They've regained a certain element of trust naturally - I'm not actually a rebellious kid. I deal with them every day, I cant disrespect them. I also never really know how they will react to even the smallest things.

I like that my parents think I'm good, and they praise me for not doing things that they don't know I've done. I think that lots of kids that don't tell their parents stuff just don't want to disappoint them or shock them. I want my parents to be proud of me. I also don't want them to worry about me. So we don't talk about bad things I've done or most of my feelings or personal thoughts.

I have a similar relationship with my parents. They protected and chose my abuser over me and told me to get over it and I was exaggerating and everything, but I still love them and I still think they were doing the best they could in a generally bad situation. I still talk to them but not about my issues. Also, my mom tends to be a blabber-mouth. So that's a deal breaker right there!

[whoswho]

Haha, that was like my "sex talk" with my parents. My mom came up to me once and asked, "What have you heard in school?"
"Everything," I replied.
"OK then."

Originally Posted by High Treason

I love my parents and consider myself to be pretty close with them. However, there is no way in hell I would ever talk to them about sex or drugs or depression and probably some other stuff. The only conversation about sex that ever took place with my parents was riding in the car when my dad suddenly said something like "You know you should wear a condom if you have sex, right?" and I was like "yep" and then we quickly changed the subject. I was 19.

[NoCake]

Originally Posted by whoswho

Haha, that was like my "sex talk" with my parents. My mom came up to me once and asked, "What have you heard in school?"
"Everything," I replied.
"OK then."

+1
Although I have heard some stories about condoms and coke bottles so I can't really complain...

[whoswho]

Originally Posted by NoCake

+1
Although I have heard some stories about condoms and coke bottles so I can't really complain...

Yeah, I think I was 13 at the time and I was never approached about it again.

Although I didn't really want to talk to my parents about it anyway!

yeah my mother is hypercritical and short-tempered. i have adopted some of her behavior patterns. i feel like i have. i just can't take it anymore. i really want to leave this house because she is just so annoying. her voice is so loud that even the neighbors can hear her. really, i feel like sometimes i have to talk over her and it's not easy. she's never going to change. if she will, great. if not, i'll be stuck in this bottommless pit for another year until i attend college. what's more, they'll be paying for it, and if i'm not obedient enough, i may have to attend a cheaper college because who's going to provide the cost and fees? nobody will. due to our constant bickering in the house,my friends have seemingly ignored me. well, i guess news travels fast, doesn't it? my whole world is starting to fall apart. i am not well. not at all. i used to hold onto religion for comfort, but why bother? no religion can answer your problems. they just teach you to behave a certain way but there are situations that push you to react like this. like how can i love someone who doesn't love me? or is out there trying to harm me? makes absolutely no sense. how can i look my haters in the eye and tell them i love them? ha, if that was possible, then religion would have been used instead of science. i'm starting to lose it all. i don't believe and i don't see why i should. actions don't have consequences either. all my life i have been someone who haven't really been the fight-picker, i'm always the one who gets trampled by others for various reasons. of course, i wasn't always perfect, i made some people mad and all, but overall, i wasn't that bad. i just wasn't. i'm sick of living with this mother of mine who is so overbearing. she needs to lighten up. she needs to stop maintaining her traditional values because it will only result in more alienation.

[NoCake]

Originally Posted by whoswho

Yeah, I think I was 13 at the time and I was never approached about it again.

Although I didn't really want to talk to my parents about it anyway!

I didn't know what sex was when I was 13... People look confused when I tell them that.

[RomanSunburn]

Thanks for all the replies.

I asked the question because I'm fairly atypical. I tell/told my mother everything. I told her when I lost my virginity. I've always asked her opinion on things and for advice. I have tended to value her opinion and advice much more than my friends.

My parents and I never had any talk about drugs or sex or alcohol. They also didn't talk badly about kids who did that. I used to tell them when I'd drink in college, and they always just told me to be smart and be safe.

And, honestly, I don't really know what my parents did exactly to make me feel safe with them, and capable of talking to them about things and not worrying about them coming down on me too hard. When/if I have children, I would like to have the same type of relationship with them... to feel comfortable talking to me about ANYTHING. And I"m just not 100% sure how to do that... And what kind of worries me is there's no real way of knowing if your kid is lying to you or hiding something from you, even if you ask them. They feel the need for self-preservation pretty strong... But I want them to know I"m on their side...

Anyways, sorry for the ramble. Thanks again for all the responses. I'd love to hear more for anyone who wants to throw their two cents out there!

[NoCake]

You are very lucky.

It probably works the same as any other relationship - as long as you keep the communication going things will be fine. The average conversation with kids usually goes like this:

Mom: Hey! How was school today?
Kid: Fine...

That's not exactly what I'd call banter. Personally I got pats on the back for doing good things but that was pretty much where it ended. And we had a lot of disagreements about things which led to them judging me and me shutting them out. Truth be told I had to get rid of quite few bad habits from that as well. When I was 18 one of my biggest issues was getting over the fact that my parents would judge me for the very behaviours they created in me. Had I not come to grips with that situation it would be very easy to hold resentment towards them.

But they aren't bad parents in any sense of the word. I wasn't abused or neglected. I didn't have everything but I always had enough. But there were still issues there that had I not gained maturity from those around me that I would still wrestle with. So sometimes it's the little things that mean the most.

I think the basic stuff like keeping judgements back until they are necessary and keeping the lines of communication going are most important. No one needs you to be super mom but you'll probably end up that way if you just stay invloved.

[whoswho]

I agree with NoCake. But I also think the relationship goes both ways. The parents may be the most non-judgmental parents in the world and their kids may not trust them. Both the parents and the kids have to put an effort into the relationship--I mean, not when they are babies of course, but if we're talking about communication I'm assuming the kids are a bit older at this point.

I think, from the parents' side, it boils down to something like this: NO kid wants to be seen as a failure or disappointment by their parents. If the kid admits something and the parents react in a harsh, judgmental way, then of course the kid is not going to keep the parents fully informed of their lifestyle choices.

I know my parents don't agree with anything I do. I know they think I'm a disappointment. I like to write it off like it doesn't matter anymore but of course it still hurts. I think all kids--no matter how old--want their parents approval to some degree. But you can't choose your parents, and sometimes incompatible personalities seem to put a big strain on the whole family bond I suppose.