Opening up to others and support

One of the things that bothers me is I'm afraid to open up to people about how I am feeling. I don't have any issues talking to people and talking about what I like and things like that. But when it comes to talking about how I feel I can do it. I think this probable developed when I was younger. People don't like to be around a black hole of despair, so I pretend everything is fine even when it isn't.
A few weeks ago I wanted to get back into therapy so I had my wife call my old therapist. Unfortunately she doesn't work with adults. I was 17 last time I seen her and now I am 27. My rational mind said, is that fine I'll just find a new therapist. But Emotionally I was devastated. I started to feel depressed and like everything was hopeless. I remember sitting at work and almost being on the verge of crying. I kept everything together, but I felt at odds with myself. Rationally I felt like this was not an appropriate response to what had happened. Emotionally I felt rejected and alone. This therapist was the only one I've ever talked to about depression and felt better afterwards. The other ones I been with which has only been 2 others, just sat there for an hour letting me talk without any advice or help. Amy challenged me to evaluate how I think and we were starting to change things, but then my insurance ran out under my moms policy. I had to go to a new therapists and I didn't like them so I gave up trying to find a new one back then.
How do feel comfortable opening up? I even have trouble talking to my wife about some stuff. I guess I'm afraid of people rejected. My family never accepted me for having depression. I grew up in a house of all guys and their opinion was to quit *****ing, through some dirt on it and get over it. It wasn't until I hospitalized myself because I was so depressed that they finally saw how much I was suffering. After that they treated me like I was crazy. I think I hold a lot of shame for being depressed.
I want to talk to my wife about this stuff and sometimes it eats at me. We've talked a little about it and she knows I suffer from depression and I used to self harm. She accepted me as I am and doesn't look down on me for it, but I still find it hard to talk about. I have this irrational fear that if I tell hear everything she will not love me anymore. Not that I have done anything in my life that is unforgivable. Sometimes it fells like this invisible burden I carry. I want to tell her when I am feeling down. Not to have her make me feel better, but to know that I am not alone fighting. To know that someone cares about me when I am filled with despair and hopelessness. I want to stay connected. I feel so alone when it comes to this illness. Has anyone else felt this way? How do you find support?

Yes, I've felt that way before. Once in awhile I still do. But it's not often.

Adam, you really need to get back into therapy and TRUST that the therapist is going to listen. Personally, I do not like psychiatrists. I've been to a couple, and like you said, all they did was sit there and listen and grunt. Then I switched to a psychologist and wow was there a difference! I got feedback, I got advice, I was positive that she was listening, etc. The sessions were very productive every single time, and while exhausting, I was elated! My granddaughter goes to a psychologist too, and she says the same thing.

So perhaps if you saw a psychologist you would feel more comfortable. But just trusting -- taking the RISK and trusting -- would not only help you open up, but it would help you realize that people are not going to reject you for your feelings. Your feelings aren't so terrible that your wife would be horrified and leave you -- depression is an ILLNESS. Would she leave you if you had diabetes? I think not. Would she leave you if you had cancer? I think not. If you discussed your fears of cancer with her, would she leave you Of course not. So why should she leave you if you discussed your feelings of depression? Does you wife KNOW that depression is an illness? Does she know that it is now recognized by the medical community as an illness?? Perhaps she's not aware of that. Maybe she's more educated than you think.

I hope you'll get into therapy Adam. You won't regret it. I promise. Take care & God bless. Hugs, Lee

I plan on getting into therapy. I really enjoyed the few sessions I had with my T. She was a psychologist. I think a lot of my depression comes from how I think. I don't think the whole biological imbalance thing fits me. For me it usually happens where an event triggers overwhelming feelings and I start to decline into depression. Early in my life I had no idea what was happening. I just knew I felt sad all the time and had no way to cope. Now I usually recognize what makes me feel sad and I think about I can interpret and feel about those events.
For example, I'm taking my final two classes I need to satisfy the requirements to take a professional exam. Earlier this week we had a review exam based on some fundamental stuff. I didn't do study or practice for it at all. I ended up with a 65%. The 18 year old me would have been hurt by this. I would have thought I was a failure at math and couldn't do anything right. The me now challenges the inner critic. I tell myself, on the exam I missed a couple minus signs, and had a couple arithmetic errors. Then I say the exam is such an small portion of the class it doesn't matter. Then I reassure myself by saying I passed Calc III with an A. Someone who can't do math doesn't pass Calc III with an A. I think not giving into these feelings is half the battle.
On a different subject, I know my wife would understand how I am feeling with depression. She suffered from it too for a while after she left an abusive boyfriend a couple years before we met. At the time she was dating him, she basically said she smoked pot all the time because she felt miserable. She had a falling out with her family and moved in with him. She then felt trapped. She eventually got sick of it, and patched things up with her family and dumped him. She said she was pretty depressed after the whole experience and was on anti-depressants for a while. I know she would understand what I am going through, but every time I try to talk to her about this stuff I get a knot in my stomach and can't talk. Maybe when I start going to therapy I can figure out where all this comes from and how to deal with it.