[Brainhead]

My resolution has always been that if I wasn't really enamored with somebody, I wouldn't consider marriage and would break things off as soon as possible. I'm not going to string anybody along like so many others do or get deeper into something that's not right. I'm not sure I'll ever feel like that again, though, and it might not be realistic. As it happens anyway, the one person I was ever really like that over turned out to be a horrible individual. I don't usually ask advice about anything like this but I'd like to hear what other people think. What's your philosophy?

[Travelinglady]

People actually marry for many different reasons. In our culture (North America, anyway), we tend to marry someone we feel "love" for. But love can be defined many ways. I definitely wouldn't want to marry someone I didn't have a strong physical attraction to, unless we agreed it would be a platonic marriage.

Of course, there are arranged marriages in some parts of the world.

At the least I think the couple would need to be able to communicate well, respect each other, care for each other, and do on.

But remember the vows used in a traditonal marriage. If those vows are used, then I definitely believe the couple should have all the intentions of following them and believe what they are agreeing to.

Hope that helps some, anyway....

[Brainhead]

Thanks Payne. I agree with all that. One friend of mine basically thinks you should pick somebody you think it will work out with and go ahead. Hollywood, of course, says you should hold out for the bolt of lightning. A guy I worked with once agreed with the movies and said that if you have doubts, it isn't right.
But I've never heard many people talk about it and would like to hear more opinions on holding out or just diving in.

[OurLadysTears]

I've been single for quite some time because I fear stringing someone along for a ride. My impression with most people is that they tend to want to rush the dating scene. Dating should be fun and without expectations. It's the stage where you are getting to know one another and discover if the other person is a potential mate for you. People should enter into something with an equal understanding of where the relationship stands in order to prevent anyone from feeling strung along. Unfortunately, that is often not the case. But.. if you are feeling doubts and seeing red flags from an early on stage then it is probably a good indicator that you must move on and look elsewhere.

I think you should live with someone for a few years before you marry them. People change and grow. Some people are much better at holding out from showing their true colors for much longer. I call them 'the actors.' The crazy and enamored feelings are bound to wear off. If someone is putting the pressure on you to marry, dig your heels into the ground. Something's off there. Isn't marriage simply about deciding to spend the rest of your life with someone? Can you spend the rest of your life with someone by just, uh, spending the rest of your life with them? Sure can, there are no laws against it, no one's telling you that you will be an outcast if you decide to love someone and live with them for your whole life without a permission slip. Why the heck are there still marriage licenses anyway? A license for what? To make each other miserable, have kids that will grow up with 2 households to shuffle between? People are divorcing so quickly these days, that they've not only dissolved their own marriages, they've dissolved the whole institution of marriage. Does it really mean anything anymore? It's just an opportunity for lawyers to make $$$$ now. I'm sorry if I offended anyone. I'm sure there are people out there who married for the right reasons and respect the institution of marriage, but they are the exception.

[adam_k]

Marriage is a big decision that people don't know enough to make when most people get married. From my experience it take a mutual direction in life to make it work. I think both people should be in agreement about what they want out of life and what they want out of each other.

1. Do each want children.
2. Money and careers. (do both work, professionals, blue collar, slackers?)
3. religion (people of different religions can get married, but will this be an issue for them?)

Those are just the broad strokes life decisions. To complicate things, people change their minds over time as well as personalities. I think at a bare minimum to make things work you have to be able to communicate well. You have to have a mutual trust and respect, you have to be able to let go of anger and contempt for your spouse. I have an aunt and uncle who hold so much anger and resentment for their partners they can't resolve anything. It is like 2 pit bulls in a cage. They constantly seperate and get back together because they miss the company and good times they had.

[shlump]

Friends first, genuine mutual respect for themselves and each other, honesty, an understanding that people have bad darn days sometimes, ability to STFU and go away sometimes on both sides...

Couple of years together at least first.

Not much help here...kinda screwed this up once already.

[astenon]

OurLadysTears said "Dating should be fun and without expectations".
I wish! The thought of dating scares the heck out of me! Mind you, I've never been on one so what do I know right?

<Now I've put myself on one of my downers and forgotten what I was going to say>
<ah yes>

As far marriage goes it really depends on the couple. I believe marriage should be a true partnership. There will be bad times, there will be good. But as long as you've found the person you can fight through those things together with, then you'll be OK.

Should you be 'crazy' about them?
I'm not sure. Being 'crazy' in love implies impulsiveness to me and I don't think marriage should be an impulsive act.