[GirlOfManyFaces]

I really hate complaining and making things about me. But I'm sick and depressed. And who knows what the future holds.

So here it goes. I'm letting it all out. And I mean all of it.

If you want you can just read one of the numbers instead of all of it. I write a lot. Sorry

1. people don't get that you can look at me and see a strong, brave, loving little girl, who wouldn't hurt a fly. But if you knew me, you would know that people aren't always how they appear. I'm broken, beaten, abuse, torn, used, shattered, hopeless, alone, dead. I have been strong and brave for so long I'm ready to give up, surrender.

2. I've had to grow up and be strong for everybody. I've had to grow up and make choices. And when one of my parents decides to do their job, they don't like the decision I made. So while they're fighting and screaming down stairs, I've had to grow up and plan my future alone. I've had to take care of them. Listen to my mother's problems. Or make dinner for my father. Or take care of my father when he broke his arm. I've had to be the parent when they were acting like children. So when they decide for a day that they want to be the parent, I get in trouble for taking care of things. I can't seem to will.

3. It doesn't help that I was raped. Once in November and again in December. And my parents and therapist blame me for what he did. I know it wasn't my fault. But I still have to take the consequences.
They moved me to a new school and took away all communications to my friends that I have known for 14 years. They put me in this school for "troubled" kids. Like drop outs and flunkies. I'm an honor student who technically be in college already, at 14. So this is my nightmare. I have no friends. It gets very lonely. The only people I talk to are on PC.

4. Not only is my mental health going... My physical health is bad too. So many things are going on. I'm still waiting for results from the doctor, but it doesn't look good. Possibly kidney failure. Or type 1 diabetes. Or something else bad. It's the worse pain Ive ever felt. It gets so bad I almost pass out. I just want to die so the pain will stop. But I know I can't give up until my body gives up.

And that's just the physical pain and suffering. I also have to deal with another personality or two. And I have to resist the urge to cut myself. Plus the suicidal tendencies. And depression and PTSD. Then the nightmares and eating issues. I'm just a mess.

5. It doesn't help that when I get really really mad, I blow up. My other personality takes over and she is mean! She got me beaten by my own father. I had bruises for weeks. And I'm still traumatized. I keep getting flashbacks from that night. Him hitting and beating me with my mother and older sister watching. I can still hear him yelling and I can hear myself screaming for my life. I remember everything like it was happening right now. I still don't like to be touched AT ALL. And I'm terrified of men.

6. I just want to know what I did wrong to deserve all of this. I'm so confused.

7. And I'm a curse to everyone around me. My mother broke her toe, my father broke his arm, my bestfriend's dad has cancer, my other great friend's dad sawed off three fingers, a old friend just died in a car ascendent, my dog died, my other pet is about to die, my cheer lil sis is being bullied, my favorite teacher was fired, my cousin's rabbit died, my BESTEST friend was arrested and put in a mental hospital for a week, and even more...

I feel like all of this is my fault. I have such bad luck. I'm cursed or something. I feel like Job from the Bible.

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A lot of people here on PC have helped and encouraged me. But one person In particular has felt like a mother to me. Big Mama. she has loved and Encouraged me. Like the mother I've always wanted. I know nobody could replace my birth mother... But Big Mama has really made a difference. And I just wanted to thank her

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~If I die before I wake, I pray the Lord, my soul to take.~
~And if I live to see the day, the Lord my Savior is here to stay~

[adam_k]

What happened to you was not your fault, no matter what anyone else says. You have the right to choose and what happened to you was wrong. I'm sorry your parents are so difficult and that your T isnt helping you. Hopefully in time some of these wounds will heal. You have been through a lot and I think it is natural to be distraught over what is going on. Im glad you found support in big mama, she is pretty awesome for helping you through this. I would suggest to try and sorround youself with people that care about you. That is what has helped me get through my problems. I hope things get better. You never deserved to suffer so much.

[avlady]

I like big mama too she is so insightful and intense. Are you having a kidney removed or something like that. i had kidney problems my whole life, as i had scarlet fever as a kid and it left scar marks on my kidneys, but they work well now. the things that happen to you are not your fault, even if their are so many things, it's almost like where' the answer for why does bad things happen to good people. i often ask myself that when i know what i've been through, i don't know the answer but i was taught it is because we suffer for each other and god loves us very much, even though you yourself feel like you're being punished. you definately are not a bad person, and if you stick around for the rest of your life you may even start to see the good things and not count the bad, something excellent could be around the corner that you can't see yet.i hope you feel better you are too young for all that stuff to be happening and i say just know you are suffering for all of us.i am trying not to bring my religion into this but that's what i believe, hope you have a better life soo, avlady

[Harley47]

Aw Girl...bless your heart.

You aren't a curse, by any stretch of the imagination. There's no way you can be held responsible for those things you listed. Please, don't let yourself feel responsible for the bad things around you that you have no control over. You are not the cause of those things.

I am so sorry that you've endured so much, and that you've received so little support at home. Please, if you take nothing else from this post, please understand that the people who would DARE say that you're at fault for what happened to you are absolutely, 100% WRONG. I am glad you recognize that...but I had to say that. But look at yourself...you've endured all this, and look at you! Look at what you've posted. You've displayed SO much strength and courage in the face of such overwhelming adversity...good God Girl, you should be proud. You've stepped up when your parents were lacking (something you should not have to do, and I am sorry you have found yourself in that position...but still, very admirable ), you're an honors student, and you've held strong against SI. You're being so brave and so strong in the face of so much...take pride in that Girl. These things cannot last, and once you're able to be on your own and conduct your own life in accordance with what Girl wants, I've no doubt you'll do great things. I do mean that.

Lastly, there's no way I could, in good faith, finish this post without echoing your sentiments. Big Mama is a fantastic poster, a great person, and a good friend. I'm glad to have met her here.

Take care Girl, and please, if I can do anything for you, I'm only a PM away. Know I will be praying for a good doctor's report, and I hope the tests come back favorable, and that they'll be able to fix whatever is hurting you so.

Hugs, and all my best,
Harley

[NoCake]

No one is strong all the time. So when you are feeling weak you can lean on God and talk to him. And know that even the things that befell Job were not his fault. Though he went through many trials at the end of it all he had gained more happiness and riches than ever before.

You did nothing to deserve this and you are not a curse. Sometimes bad things happen to good people. But they cannot change who you are. People see a strong, brave, loving little girl, who wouldn't hurt a fly on the outside because that is what's on the inside. These are the things that define you - not your fears or doubts.

But whatever happens please remember that you are not alone.

[astenon]

Was going to shorten your name to GoMF, but that sounds terrible, so I'll stick to Girl.

I'll try to comment on each of your issues.

1. My heart goes out to you, it really does. I wish I could come over there and take all this pain away from you. You are so young, yet have had to struggle through so much. Please don't give in. Use these forums as much as you can for strength and support.

2. It's terrible when children have to look after their parents. They have to grow up so much when they should be enjoying their childhood. The fact that you still look after your father after his 'punishments' says so much for your strength of character. Keep planning that future you mention but don't overreach and take it one step at a time. You can put all of this behind you and be as successful in your chosen career/future plan as you want.

3. I don't know the circumstances of what happened, but abuse of this form is never, ever the victims fault. Whatever excuse they are using to blame you for what happened is complete and utter cobblers. (didn't want to swear). Don't get me started on your abuser. <I need to go calm down - people like this make my blood boil>

<back again>
I know you're only young and this is probably difficult, but is it possible for you to change therapists?

4. I'm no expert, and am not medically trained in any way, but I feel all these things you're going through are in some way linked. You have been through so much trauma, stress and hurt that it's starting to affect your physical well being. Your mind is trying to sort through so much that things are going awry.

5. <the blood is heating up again - deep breaths>
No-one who has been through everything you've been through, would want people touching them. What you are feeling is perfectly natural. As for men, so much of the pain you've suffered has been caused by them, it's no wonder you doubt them all. Be patient with yourself. You need to build a relationship with positive role-model type men again, ones you can look up to and who will have a positive impact on your life (good men do exist - honest). This takes time so don't push it and don't worry about it. In day-to-day life there is no reason for any man to need to touch you (apart from your doctor if he's male)

6. No one deserves what you have had to go through. You are not to blame. I know that's easy for me to say and difficult for you to believe but it is the truth. To coin a phrase "**** happens" <yes, I know I said I wasn't going to swear>. You have had so much happen to you but none of it was deserved or your fault.

7. I'm back to "**** happens" again. None of those things are nice but they really, really aren't your fault. I cannot stress that enough. You are NOT to blame.

I really want to give you a nice big but bearing in mind that's not want you want at the moment (see point 5) I've uploaded a gallery picture of our rabbit Jack. Let him give you a nice big hug instead. I warn you though, you'll be covered in fur in no time.

I hope that all helps even if it's just a little.

[Ultra Darkness]

I'd like to say something on diabetes.
There is a chemical called Niacinamide that makes it almost impossible for the body to use sugar properly when you've ingested too much. The problem is that it's very easy to get too much, because it's in almost any food that uses inriched flour.
If you try to cut such foods from your diet, that may help. I can't garantee it, but it might be worth thinking about.