[WhiteClouds]

I'm not sure if I am in a low cycle or I've come to process some of my marital pain.

I kept dreaming of disagreements with my husband I told him. He is so far removed from the relationship. Then it dawned on me. I have ran myself ragged. i need a good cry to get it all out. I've been to counselors, on medicine, anything and everything to make myself better for the marriage.. Nothing worked.

Now he tells me coldy, "He has changed"... Thi s is devastating. To give it everything. I do mean everything. i onlyw anted what was right. Meaning. i wanted a husband that went to church, enjoyed having my family church. Spiritually led family. Faith, family first.
I realized today he has fought me tooth and nail the entire time. The entire marriage. He never wanted it to be that way. Even though he said he did. He blames me for why he doesn't respect me. he delfects. He ignores me.
I had a pretty crappy childhood. Physically alcoholic mother, heroin addict father, molestation by my brother..
I needed to do this right. I needed this to work. Now with tears streaming down my face I realize.. It didn't.
Everyone cheers him on. Thinks he is such a great guy. Failing to know what really goes on behind closed doors. I am unloved. I am rejected. I am lied to. I am manipulated. I am utterly utterly alone. With no one to share with or to, the truth.
How did I let this happen. I mention emotional abuse, people ignore me.. How did I do this.. How did. i tried for so long to hide it. To not let anyone see how much pain I was in. How lonely I really am. How desperate I am to be heard,acknowledged. Spiritually I feel stifled.. Lost.. Unsure. Hurting. Dark, deep, agonizing hurting.

[shezbut]

I am very sorry for the severe pain and loneliness that you're experiencing.

I can't think of any words of wisdom to help you through this difficulty at this time. I just wanted you to know that you aren't completely alone in this world. Others do care about you, and feel sad that you are suffering so much!

Have you tried to get your hub to agree to marital counseling? Either with a T, or with a pastor/priest at your church... It's certainly worth a shot, particularly if you find yourself in moods that bounce up and down. You may be misinterpreting your hub's moods or words for disinterest, when he actually does care but just does't know what to say to reassure you. Just a thought that popped into my head. Please do give it a try! Getting you both in to see the same T could be especially helpful in working through the notions that haunt you.

Gentle hugs sent your way...

[astenon]

WhiteClouds,
I am so sorry for the troubles you're facing. You are not alone though. I'd like to share a little of what my flatmate went through with her ex-bf as it's similar to what you are facing.
She put everything: heart, soul and her absolute being into their relationship and, through emotional abuse, he very nearly destroyed her. (if you'd like to know more, please PM me. I typed some of it in here but it was getting long!)

I urge you to continue to seek some therapy. She did and it helped her enormously. Someone suggested marriage counselling. This may work, but I fear, from what you've said, that he'll be one thing to the therapist and continue his abusive behaviours towards you at home.

I understand your faith is important to you and that the last thing you want to do is consider divorce. I'm afraid this may be the only way out of the abuse he is causing you. If the people in your church have been taken in by his lies, could you consider talking to a pastor or something in a different church? An independent ear who doesn't know your husband may be able to give you some advice you can use.

I hope that helps, even if it's just a little. My heart goes out to you.
Good luck.