[LMo]

(I copied this from another post to give Determined the attention she deserves without detracting from Oziad's thread)

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I know but I am alone as a single parent now. My husband left me 4 years ago and now I feel so afraid to remarry until I have this resolved. I believe that my lack of family is to blame for my inability to function as a wife. My family was never close, we never listened to each other, we couldn't hug each other without feeling strange. My husband always said it drove him nuts and I was as cold as ice. He hasn't found much better but I still feel I am without faith in my ability to change my chances of having a loving family until I do. So I go on being lonely. It hurts like hell and I worry it will be my kids destiny. I don't want them to resent me for never having the family they could have had. I guess this is just like living in a fairy tale and most families don't have these close relationships, but I ache like you say in the presence of my family at holidays. Like you said it is worse to go than not, but I also ache being alone. I just can't wait till the holiday is over.

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Determined, I am very, very sorry to hear of your split with your husband. My ex-husband also left me and I know how badly it destroys the ego and our self-confidence.

However, one thing you said caught my eye:
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now I feel so afraid to remarry until I have this resolved. I believe that my lack of family is to blame for my inability to function as a wife. .... My husband always said it drove him nuts and I was as cold as ice.

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My ex-husband also complained about aspects of my personality that were based on how I was raised. His complaints weren't the same, but the point is that both of our ex's complained that their needs weren't being met, and it has left both of us feeling as though we weren't whole women who were capable of meeting a man's needs in a relationship.

However, that is SO NOT TRUE. I did start dating (rebounding, actually) and it was one of the best healing experiences I could have created for myself. What I learned is that every man is looking for something different in their ideal partner. Since my ex had been my only adult relationship, I kind of assumed that everybody else would want the same things that he did, and when I started dating, it was SO REFRESHING to find out that I was wrong about that!

We all have things about our past that would be helpful to our current relationships if we worked on resolving them. I don't want to discourage that at all. But, the point is that we ALL have some unresolved issues, and it would have to be pretty extreme before I'd recommend that anyone hold off on getting into a new relationship before resolving them.

Do you want to talk about this more? What have you tried already?

Hugs,
LMo

[wi_fighter]

OK, I'm coming in to this totally clueless, because I don't see a thread started by Determined in here, but I do have to agree with LMo. Everyone is looking for something different. Well, maybe not EVERYONE, but there are some guys out there that are looking for someone just like you.

I was raised in a household where affection wasn't displayed between my mom and dad. I got it from my mom, and I got it from my dad, but I never saw it between the two of them as a couple. However, no one was huggy or vocal with their "I love you's" so I always felt a little squidgy when I started coming into contact with people who did grow up like that. I've come to really appreciate it though, so there is always room for positive change.

My ex moved on to a "serious" relationship really quickly. That left me wondering "what is wrong with me that I'm still alone and he's running around dating and having (what I thought was) the time of his life" Turns out he's just needy and needs to feel useful and in control, and the only way he gets that is to latch on to another person and do everything for them.

I, on the other hand, took my time, got into a relationship, and when it ended got scared again. I took a 4-year break from actively seeking another partner. It finally took coming to PC and seeing that I do have positive to things to offer someone just the way I am.

Don't look so far ahead that you can only see yourself as married or alone. There's a LOT of middle ground. A lot of guys aren't looking for a wife either. Find someone who just wants someone to hang out with. I just met someone who's mindset is "I'm really happy with my life the way it is, I don't need a woman, but it's REALLY nice to have someone to share things with."

I worked on myself to the point where I felt comfortable branching out and welcoming someone in, even though I don't feel like I'm "finished" by any means. We're all works in progress. If you wait until you think everything is taken care of, you'll be waiting until you're in the grave. Life isn't static, we're going to be constantly changing, for the good or bad.

[Determined]

I am not sure how this all works. I am reading everyone's responces and it is nice to hear I am not alone even if I don't know all you. I am scared to death most days. I have gotten over the really lonely stuff but I still think about my life as a big mess. I have friends I work with and a few neighbors I can visit with but no one who I am comfortable sharing the whole truth. I guess if I do I don't know how they will react. Anyway, I know it isn't all my fault our relationship ended, he was having an affair and surprisingly enough they ended it after two years and she talked to me about the things that she felt weren't working. I can't tell you though that I don't feel responcible for some of the mess. I am not strong enough to be alone. I am strangely enough scared of loosing my kids. They will go off to college someday, but they are my only familly now. I tried just inviting a male friend of mine on an outing with my kids and I but my daughter said it creeped her out so I backed out. I guess I have a long way to go.

[almostangela]

I don't think there are any hard fast rules on the appropriatness of dating or not dating. We are all so individual and those that we meet are too. I think it is less about another person and more about taking risks which unearth our fears. I used to take a risk a week and for me that was just about calling a different person each week. It got my social skills into order which lead to more social encounters.

[Determined]

Interesting way to pace yourself. Not sure yet for me. Will keep it in mind.

[bebop]

determined...first of all welcome to pc..
I know how that feels about the kids feeling "creeped out". many years ago when I first divorced my kids pitched a fit when I would have guys come over for dinner or went out...I finally sat my kids down and said look...one day you both will be gone. I do not want to live my life all alone. I told them that one day they would be married and have a life and I too wanted a life. Somehow even though they were pretty young they understood that. Maybe go slowly and they will understand. Good luck

[Determined]

I am all over the place with these threads. I am going to have to figure out what I am doing. Anyway my kids are teenagers. Both are in highschool. I don't think they want me to be alone. They both know they are leaving in a few years and don't want me to be alone, but they seem to be uncomfortable with who I pick. They aren't comfortable with my choices. It could be good that they are since they know me and it is what keeps me from making another mistake, but there aren't many places to meet men. I don't go out of my way to find them. I am okay with that though. I think it would creep me out to date. This is stupid but I just want to have a male companion for things I am not good at alone. Like telling me where to get my oil changed or car fixed. Or even just put a filter in my furnace. I am learning on my own, but I would like backups for these kids of things. Anyway, hope I can keep track of these threads.

[bebop]

I hear ya! companions are the best! no strings...more like friends!