New, need advice..

Sorry for the long post but i fell that background info is important. My husband of 6 years gave me the I love you but not in love with you speech about 2 weeks after a close friend of his committed suicide back in sept. 2012. He was considering divorce. We had had our issues, mainly I was depressed and not very supportive of him for the past few years. It was a huge wake up call and I started making serious changes. In nov. 2012 I discovered his secret cell phone that he had been using to text one of his much younger female assistants. It had been going on for a month. He did not delete any messages so I read everything they talked about. Never love, just flirty fantasizing stuff like what it would be like if they were together and how attracted to each other they were. Long story short that ended, we went to counseling a few times. He discovered he has a problem with women, that his is addicted to that feeling of falling for someone. He claims there was a natural shift of his feelings back to me after I lost a bunch of weight and started treating him better. No feelings for the other woman other than he cares for her like a good friend. They still work together closely.

Since jan. things have been going really well. A couple of weeks ago I slid off our driveway and did serious damage to our van. I could tell he was upset, thinking I was careless on the icy hill, but he didn't really say anything. Every since then he has been a little distant, not as affectionate and quick to jump down my throat.. He insisted that everything was fine. Finally yesterday I asked him to please tell me what is bothering him. H admits that ever since the van he has been really frustrated/annoyed with me. He knows he shouldn't but he is.

I am worried that this frustration is going to set us back and that he's going to start falling out of love with me and eating angry with me for ending the thing he had with that other person. I want him to talk with me about it, but I'm also scared that if I push him, it may make him say things or I might say something that makes him think working things out with me was a mistake. Do I just let it go and wait and see what happens? I should also point out that when he gave the ILYBNILWY speech one of the things he said was that he felt like I was an anchor and he resented me. I'm scared this is going to trigger those feelings again.

Hello Cjharris123! Welcome to PsychCentral!

Eventually, a marriage counsellor may have to be considered when both you and your husband are ready.

It seems like you are the one willing to change to make the marriage work. From info provided, it's more difficult for him to do the work for that. And it appears that you are often trying to make it work and you negotiate from a defensive positioning. These are just my thoughts, I am not a counsellor, so take what you like, leave the rest behind.

But a marriage counsellor would be the best option. Take care.

OP: "we went to counseling a few times"

Who is taking the practical steps necessary to bring the van back to its original condition - you or the H?

I'm so sorry you're having problems. He sure sounds like he's TOTALLY unsure of anything regarding his feelings. Any little thing makes him change his mind!

It's ridiculous that sliding the van down an icy hill would make him change his feelings for you. I know he has problems, but damage to a van is certainly NO reason to hold this against you!

I think I'd sit down and tell him that the fact that he's resenting you for the van is hurting you alot -- and you wish he could forgive you for it. That you didn't do it on purpose and you wish he'd just let it go!! Tell him your feelings for him, etc.

Like I said, I realize he has problems, and he really needs therapy badly! It would be good if you could talk him into going, but somehow I doubt you could do that from what you say about him.

I wish I could offer more advice. But I'm not sure I'd want to live like this. God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

Thanks for your responses. I am taking responsibility for the van, I stay at home and am responsible for everything to do with the house short of financial.

Well, he is not being asked to take responsibility for your mishap with the van. It is just that it is a financial loss, right? But you must have insurance, which partially covers the loss. Is that correct?