[njguy81]

My other posts may explain alot of the trouble what brought me here.

Related to that, is that I'm 30 now and sitting here realizing.. "where the *eff is the girlfriend I should be already living with by this point in life?"

Going to a family function this weekend, AGAIN with no date. So many of my cousins have gotten married and kids already, almost all of them are not single.

So far this is my experience in the last decade meeting potential mates:
1) I start talking to one somewhere but not sure how to continue the convo
2) or I meet them online but they turn out to have abuse/cutting issues
3) or They are either way below my age group or already "taken"
4) or when it Does get serious, I end up having "performance" issues in bed.

So if you can help me out here, I would appreciate it. I'm sure there is the right match out there. Problem is I have no friends, am not much of a talker,
and hobbies are all things I do solo. So not sure the next step in life here?

[Koko2]

I'm in a similar situation except I'm older than you. Hang in there.

[hamster-bamster]

2. If you consistently attract a much higher percentage of cutters than is the incidence in the population as a whole, I would get your own individual T to try to discover why you are such a magnet.

4. How good are you at non-phallic, woman-centric love-making?

[njguy81]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

2. If you consistently attract a much higher percentage of cutters than is the incidence in the population as a whole, I would get your own individual T to try to discover why you are such a magnet.

4. How good are you at non-phallic, woman-centric love-making?

well, to answer your question about my love-making skill.. I dont really get much opportunity to practice. Honestly, since I'm very scrawny and the ladies I seem to be intimate with are usually on the heavy side, there's always difficulties really giving them a "deeper" experience. that is the only way to put that on here without being graphic.. but I'm sure you get my point

as far as cutters, I find there is a higher percentage on online dating sites, not necessarily that I attract them more as a whole. Perhaps those girls are more socially inept so they go online??

Anyway, I think if I could only learn to be more confident in real life I would be able to be with that secret crush from the bookstore, or the church, or any other real-life situations. I'm very "internal" and have trouble verbalizing my interest in a girl. I'm definately cute I'd say, but once I open my mouth I think I lose them

[hamster-bamster]

Could very well be about cutters.

Scrawny is definitely cute. If you run, dating a lean female runner from a runners's club would solve the problem of weight mis-match. I know that dating does occur in such club and my younger daughter's first grade teacher, a very cute blonde woman, eventually married her runners' club member.

Cutters tend to have their own set of specific issues, like borderline personality disorder--cutting is kind of a hallmark feature of it (I should know, I have BPD, though I'm not a cutter) and for us BPDers sometimes online interaction is just easier than offline for certain reasons. Maybe you're meeting women for whom that statement is true, I don't know. Anyway, I'm 34 and I've always had a difficult time with dating and socially, though the few people with whom I'm social don't understand it; they think I'm just perfectly outgoing. (BPDers are chameleons. But I digress.) I like hamster-bamsters suggestion about the runner's club. And have you tried Meetup.com? It depends on how big your city is, but it can be a good start for finding people whose interests match yours.

[njguy81]

So today I tried to actually go outside and be more social. I'm still doing something wrong obviously...

I met one nice sales girl at the mall who helped with a product I needed, but then went off to talk to her co-worker. I wanted to ask her number and ask her to tea but her co-worker was like right there.

And then I met another nice one at another store I had to go to, but after a quick chat I realized she is about 20 or so.. and I'm 31. besides there were other customers in line and her "manager" was like lurking around. I felt weird chatting her up any further.

The supermarket... yeah.. more of the 19-20 type of girls working there.
cute and nice, but probably not a great idea to pursue romantically. Plus I have to shop there daily so isnt it weird to see them all the time and be known as the older guy who tried to hit on them?

I would love to hear from girls and guys on this forum.. maybe you see something in my daily routine or in my approach that is wayyy off? please advise I feel like whenever I get off the online dating sites and actually TRY to meet someone in real life, it doesnt really go anywhere.

[LovelaceF]

Hmm...sales people are generally paid to be nice to customers. I'm not sure I would take their niceness as a sign of dating compatibility.

I saw your other thread that mentioned you'd met someone online that didn't work out. I take it you're looking for places to meet girls in person.

Have you tried all of the usual things - exercise class, dog park, tennis club, church, chess club, political party group, book club, etc?

[njguy81]

Originally Posted by LovelaceF

Hmm...sales people are generally paid to be nice to customers. I'm not sure I would take their niceness as a sign of dating compatibility.

I saw your other thread that mentioned you'd met someone online that didn't work out. I take it you're looking for places to meet girls in person.

Have you tried all of the usual things - exercise class, dog park, tennis club, church, chess club, political party group, book club, etc?

To answer your suggestions...

EXCERCISE CLASS:
did the gym a few years ago. met tons of girls but always got the "I have a BF" line. or "actually, I'm kind of seeing someone. sorry". I go to Yoga but
no one really talks there and too many girls to really focus on one, much less what to say to one to make it happen if so many others are lurking around and can hear us talk. the studio is very small.

DOG PARK:
I don't have a dog

TENNIS CLUB:
I'm not athletic at all.

CHURCH:
I go to a catholic one. seems no room to "socialize" really, everyone just leaves after mass. The youth group they have is mostly the college-aged girls, and besides I could never stick to it or follow through with activities.

CHESS CLUB:
None around here.

POLITICAL PARTY:
I'm independent. Not sure which party to join.

BOOK CLUB
Never tried that but I love bookstores. I'm not sure how to approach that situation if there is someone I like there, and other people around can hear me trying to "pick her up". weird.

[LovelaceF]

Originally Posted by njguy81

BOOK CLUB
Never tried that but I love bookstores. I'm not sure how to approach that situation if there is someone I like there, and other people around can hear me trying to "pick her up". weird.

The great thing about book clubs is that they are designed to create conversations. If you find someone in the book club that seems smart or funny or charming, you could always pull her aside after just ask if she'd like to continue the conversation over coffee sometime. You wouldn't have to embarrass yourself in front of everyone else.

[Bill3]

Volunteering?

but they turn out to have abuse/cutting issues

What makes these both dealbreakers for you?

[njguy81]

Originally Posted by Bill3

Volunteering?


What makes these both dealbreakers for you?

thanks bill.

volunteering sounds fun. the local church group does that but seems the girls are all in the college age, and I'm 31. Besides I am bad about speaking up in groups.. I remember going on a church hike a few years ago and had trouble really connecting with anyone.. even though there were a dozen girls there. Some even engaged ME first and asked me so many questions. I was like ummmm ok?

Regarding the cutting and girls with prior abuse. The one I did try to date she became very toxic to me and was very triggering to me as well. We just ended up triggering each other's insecurities and alot of arguing ensued. She had control & fighting issues. The arguing was just overboard.

So I really feel the need for a peaceful, stable girl. That is just what I need at this point in life. Someone peaceful to come home to.

[Bill3]

Thanks for your response.

Regarding volunteering: Perhaps look for opportunities that do not involve speaking up in groups. Does any particular volunteer activity come to mind as being of interest--e.g. soup kitchen, library, senior center, tutoring, nature center?

The relationship you mentioned involving prior abuse or cutting clearly was not healthy, but maybe it is premature to rule out all such possible relationships?

What is your thinking on the possibility or effectiveness of seeing a therapist?

[njguy81]

do not have insurance to pay for therapists, or enough income/cash to do the sliding scale therapists either.

Besides, I want to tackle this on my own if possible.

So far I've made lists of goals every day such as "will go out and meet 3 new girls today in real-life situations." or "will go do weights today for an hour"

Sticking to these is proving difficult. rather than getting up at 6am as in my goal list, I sleep til 10 and cannot get out of the comfort zone of the warm bed.

I procrastinate and watch youtube and so on, and daydream and drawn to anything that is an "escape."

Then when I do go out somewhere, I internalize so much when I see a cute girl.. "omg what should I say... her co-worker or friend is next to her... she is wearing headphones and therefore not approachable... how do I disarm her shields she will put up... how do I get her number or give her mine.... how do I find out if she is single without asking directly...will she think I'm too old or a stalker.. "

So as you see this is a very frustrating process for me.

Not sure if it is nurture or nature. never had a high school sweetheart, was late in the game in college (first kiss was at 20), my 20s I spent stuck in the above mindset, and the few I was "intimate" with were ones I met online.

[hamster-bamster]

Finding out whether she is single is an unnecessary step. Omit it. Every girl is capable of deciding herself whether to give you her phone number. Whether she is single might be one of the factors in her decision. Leave it up to her.

[Bill3]

It sounds like you have had the best results so far with online. Online allows you to avoid the painful process of putting yourself out there in person.

Then when I do go out somewhere, I internalize so much when I see a cute girl.. "omg what should I say... her co-worker or friend is next to her... she is wearing headphones and therefore not approachable... how do I disarm her shields she will put up... how do I get her number or give her mine.... how do I find out if she is single without asking directly...will she think I'm too old or a stalker.. "

I wonder if women welcome being assessed solely on whether or not they are dating material for you, someone peaceful for you to come home to.

What if you concentrate first on meeting women without any dating intention? (e.g. through volunteering). Perhaps you will be more natural and relaxed if dating is not always on your mind. A woman who is not dating material for you is still a human being, still a potential friend, and...probably she knows other women.