Touble deciding to accept a new job offer or stay in relationship

Robertko623 · Feb 15, 2013, 04:40 PM

I have been offered a great position which I would have to relocate for.
The problem is that my girlfriend cannot move due to having her house, child and business here.
Four months into our relationship we decided to get engaged and after 2 months she gave me the ring back because she felt that she was holding me back.
Girlfriend is 39 and I am 32

We have recently been trying to work on our issues and become one again but I am going back and forth in my mind as to what to do?
She loves me with all of her heart and does not want to lose me. She is emotionally broken due to me not being able to decide-Job or Love.

I could certainly use this income that is offered but at the same time, I would feel guilty if I leave her because i don't know if I will ever find someone who loves me as much as she does.

Any advice would be appreciated but i know that it'sy ultimate decision

Thanks

hamster-bamster · Feb 15, 2013, 05:32 PM

Child is movable and house is sellable/leasable, but if she has a business with the local clientele, I can definitely see her not being able to relocate with you. Is that the case?

adam_k · Feb 15, 2013, 05:35 PM

For me I would pick love, but that is a personal choice. I think you have to look deep down and decide what matters to you. You can find jobs anywhere and you can find other girls anywhere. Does making money matter or does having her in your life matter? I would talk to her and tell her how you feel. Ask her if she wants commitment or if she is just enjoying having a bf for the time being? I think you just have to talk things out with her and make the best choice for you.

Robertko623 · Feb 15, 2013, 05:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

Child is movable and house is sellable/leasable, but if she has a business with the local clientele, I can definitely see her not being able to relocate with you. Is that the case?

Yes, and she also needs to be near her daughter's father for shared custody.

Thanks

Robertko623 · Feb 15, 2013, 05:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by adam_k

For me I would pick love, but that is a personal choice. I think you have to look deep down and decide what matters to you. You can find jobs anywhere and you can find other girls anywhere. Does making money matter or does having her in your life matter? I would talk to her and tell her how you feel. Ask her if she wants commitment or if she is just enjoying having a bf for the time being? I think you just have to talk things out with her and make the best choice for you.

Thanks for your response. We have talked a lot about her feelings. She loves me unconditionally. The problem that I have is I would like a more stable career as is the one being offered rather than my 1099 position.
She is willing to take on new areas as well for additional income since I'm stressed with the huge mortgage that she has

hamster-bamster · Feb 15, 2013, 05:44 PM

Oh, so you are already paying her mortgage?

hamster-bamster · Feb 15, 2013, 05:45 PM

Is the company national? Meaning, if you were to accept the position at the HQ and prove yourself, would you be able to move back to your current area if they have satellite office here?

Robertko623 · Feb 15, 2013, 06:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

Is the company national? Meaning, if you were to accept the position at the HQ and prove yourself, would you be able to move back to your current area if they have satellite office here?

I planned on moving in with her and we would split the bills in half.
The position would require me to stay for for at least 3 years. There are positions that become available in different areas from time to time.
There will be no future openings in my current area for a long time as I'm told.
I have moved literally 15 times in the past 10 years due to work or my own choice. I just cannot seem to settle down.
I have a lot of pressure on myself to be successful.
what is success?
Love?
$$?

Robertko623 · Feb 15, 2013, 07:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

Is the company national? Meaning, if you were to accept the position at the HQ and prove yourself, would you be able to move back to your current area if they have satellite office here?

We would split everything and there is not an option to live here and work

hamster-bamster · Feb 15, 2013, 08:01 PM

Meaning, you cannot work remotely even part-time? You have to be in the office, right?

Robertko623 · Feb 15, 2013, 08:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

Meaning, you cannot work remotely even part-time? You have to be in the office, right?

No, it's an outside territory position

hamster-bamster · Feb 15, 2013, 08:52 PM

I think it comes down to one of two approaches:

1) what do you think has less of a chance of a repeat - the offer or the woman? Take what is the rarer of the two and hope that you will get a reasonable repeat of whatever you will end up giving up

2) flip of a coin, if all else fails. You know why? Sometimes we do not know what we want in our hearts. By your REACTION to the flip of a coin you will be able to actually get a read of your innermost desires.

adam_k · Feb 15, 2013, 09:02 PM

This just may be a though, but have you tried to get any additional training/ education for a new/better job. I have a degree in engineering and I can go to just about any state and find a job. The starting salary for an engineer is 40K-60K a year for a fresh graduate. That equates to about $19-29$ per hour, but varies by state. There is a state funded community college where I live that has low tuition and most people that go there find jobs right away. The cost is on the order of $4K a year. For the price of a nice TV you could get some valuable knowledge that will help you the rest of your life. Just another thought that maybe you didn't consider.

Is it an option to stay with her and advanced your career to find a job in the same state? Maybe sell the house and get a house that has a more affordable payment? I don't know what your profession is, or what you want to do. Some employers offer tuition assistance as well. Sometimes there are strings attached, but if you manage to get skills that get you to the next higher position you will reap the benefits later.

Robertko623 · Feb 16, 2013, 09:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by adam_k

This just may be a though, but have you tried to get any additional training/ education for a new/better job. I have a degree in engineering and I can go to just about any state and find a job. The starting salary for an engineer is 40K-60K a year for a fresh graduate. That equates to about $19-29$ per hour, but varies by state. There is a state funded community college where I live that has low tuition and most people that go there find jobs right away. The cost is on the order of $4K a year. For the price of a nice TV you could get some valuable knowledge that will help you the rest of your life. Just another thought that maybe you didn't consider.

Is it an option to stay with her and advanced your career to find a job in the same state? Maybe sell the house and get a house that has a more affordable payment? I don't know what your profession is, or what you want to do. Some employers offer tuition assistance as well. Sometimes there are strings attached, but if you manage to get skills that get you to the next higher position you will reap the benefits later.

I have thought about it but I'd have to cut back on work if I decided to do so. I cureently average about 70k/yr and the new offer is 95k/yr. I would probably need to find a part time job in order to help pay the bills at her house. We discussed selling the house but she owes way more on it than it could even get.

avlady · Feb 16, 2013, 10:19 AM

I would choose love but then again how much does she love you!!!if you're certain, maybe keep the job you have now if it's doable, and do share expences.maybe this will help to settle down

MyJournalHaven · Feb 16, 2013, 10:21 AM

If relationships can last even when one partner goes to prison (sometimes for life), then somehow, someway you guys can at least remain together until you figure something out.

Robertko623 · Feb 16, 2013, 11:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by avlady

I would choose love but then again how much does she love you!!!if you're certain, maybe keep the job you have now if it's doable, and do share expences.maybe this will help to settle down

Hi, she loves me unconditionally. I work in a 100% commission position and my income is a rollercoaster. It's hard to determine what I'll actually earn/month. This is causing me anxiety because I feel that I may become house poor when I move in?
I can take a great position elsewhere but will lose out on this love

~Christina · Feb 17, 2013, 11:22 AM

long distance relationship an option? visiting back and forth ?

unaluna · Feb 17, 2013, 01:32 PM

You keep saying she loves you unconditionally, but how do you feel about her? Are your parents telling you not to hook up with an older woman with a kid and a huge mortgage, so you're feeling disloyal? You are at different stages in your life. It could be ten years before you really settle down and decide to have a family. This sounds like a great opportunity and really you haven't known her that long.

RomanSunburn · Feb 17, 2013, 10:21 PM

I second the long distance relationship question... And all the question about how you feel about her.

With the long distance, you already seem to have a possible end date in sight, possibly as soon as three years. Maybe you couldn't relocate back to her exact location, but maybe a little bit closer than where the new job is (how far away is it, anyways?)

I also agree that you say over and over how much she loves you, but rarely mention how you feel about her. You worry about losing someone that loves you so much... what about losing someone that you love so much? And if you do both love each other unconditionally, then I feel a long distance relationship is do-able...speaking as someone that did long distance for four years, with 6 months separated by the Atlantic Ocean, and currently in a commuter marriage (all with the same man). Plus I know there are other members here who have also survived LDR's and come out stronger on the other side.

At the very least, if you attempt a long distance relationship, you might figure out what you really want.

Robertko623 · Feb 18, 2013, 11:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hankster

You keep saying she loves you unconditionally, but how do you feel about her? Are your parents telling you not to hook up with an older woman with a kid and a huge mortgage, so you're feeling disloyal? You are at different stages in your life. It could be ten years before you really settle down and decide to have a family. This sounds like a great opportunity and really you haven't known her that long.

I love her but have reservations due to the age difference. Yes, I hate to feel like that I ruined someone's life. No, we have only known each other for 6 months but sometimes that is enough time to know.
I feel that I'm even considering moving that I'm not 100% in the relationship. I do however know that the love she provides is one of a kind

Robertko623 · Feb 18, 2013, 11:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RomanSunburn

I second the long distance relationship question... And all the question about how you feel about her.

With the long distance, you already seem to have a possible end date in sight, possibly as soon as three years. Maybe you couldn't relocate back to her exact location, but maybe a little bit closer than where the new job is (how far away is it, anyways?)

I also agree that you say over and over how much she loves you, but rarely mention how you feel about her. You worry about losing someone that loves you so much... what about losing someone that you love so much? And if you do both love each other unconditionally, then I feel a long distance relationship is do-able...speaking as someone that did long distance for four years, with 6 months separated by the Atlantic Ocean, and currently in a commuter marriage (all with the same man). Plus I know there are other members here who have also survived LDR's and come out stronger on the other side.

At the very least, if you attempt a long distance relationship, you might figure out what you really want.

Thanks but long distance would not work because of our age difference. If I would like to attempt a child it would be difficult to put that on hold for a couple of years due to her age
Thanks