[tempiren]

hi, just going to say i've been in a relationship with a guy for a year and we're currently not in the same city and you could say it's long distance.
there's a small age gap between us, but i'm older and we're each others first boyfriend/girlfriend. nearly all the time, we have good conversations with one another but i've noticed a change in him in the last few months where he'll talk/log on less or not answer his phone and then he'd feel bad and come right back and apologise but it seems related with being nervous or depressed about himself and thinking i will think his a bad guy in whatever wa he thinks. i thought also, maybe he was worried about my upcoming visit, what i will think about being alone together, so yeah... that was my beginning thought, he is very vocal about feeling not good enough for me, whenever i'm nice, he tries to provoke me to get angry at him and says bad things about himself and when i don't reciprocate those opinions and i will flat out ignore it and try to smooth it over because i read that his trying to get a negative validation in his head, then he apologizes or logs out to sleep, sometimes suddenly and lately he seems to be playing games with me to see how long i can handle him not writing back to me or to see if i get annoyed with him and he eventually relents and apologises and says his sorry about his mood and he doesn't understand why he says that (like a compulsive feeling) and how much he appreciates my support of him, like he supports me, but this has only really been recent so i'm trying to figure it out why, does he have masochist disorder? i really think his testing me or trying to sabotage his image to me in some way, but he still wants me to love him, so it strange why he does that, he always tells me he loves me and cares about me a lot, but he has a low self esteem and mood swings which he doesn't like to show, hense why he says he logs out.

i'm on the autistic spectrum and he is very important to me, his my first boyfriend and no, we're not teenagers, i trust him completely to know his not using me and i don't trust often anyone else and i don't discuss such things, because i don't want any criticism, i just want the facts. i really just want to understand how he feels and just know why he does this, is it just depression or something else?

it seems the more nice things i write, the worst it makes him feel (because he doesn't 'deserve it'') and i don't understand why he'd think that over himself when he hasn't done anything? if he has a personality disorder, it's not like i care if he does, so i'm not perfect myself, but if he does, what could it be and how can i understand what would help because i would in a heartbeat, support and help him? thanks, very appreciated

[hamster-bamster]

It could be many things, including self defeating personality disorder. He needs individual therapy. It is too much for you. You are not his therapist. You will burn out if you go on like that. Be careful, ok?

[Permanent Pajamas]

I agree. Be careful.

[Leed]

He does need help, that's for sure. It almost sounds like one minute he's trying to "get rid" of you, and then the next minute he's trying to "get you back."

He doesn't know what he wants. But he definitely needs help. He should get into therapy, if that's at all possible. I'd urge him into it if you can.

Please be careful, like the others said. You're very likely to get hurt.

God bless & please take care. Hugs, Lee

[unaluna]

There's a saying about relationships, if someone tries to tell you that they're no good, believe them the first time. I would say you are probably wishing someone would be as kind to you as you are being to this person, and that's kind of why you're doing it, to put that good out into the world. But it's not really coming back to you. Whether this person is too damaged or just playing games or doesn't know how to politely end this, or maybe he feels lonely when he does and can't deal with that either - whatever it is, I don't see that he has asked you for your help, or that he wants you to feel like you're helping him, or to think that you're superior to him in any way. Maybe he is getting a superior vibe from you, so he feels justified in messing with you, to teach you a lesson. I certainly have learned lessons I will never forget. It just occurred to me now that that's what happened. Helping someone is really kind of insulting. What it implies about them.

[tempiren]

i know i've been accused in the past by him, that i 'mask' my annoyance or i don't act out with frustrated or get annoyed with him in a normal way, but i don't want to because i don't want to loose him, he has said to me many times that hes only ever loved me and doesn't want to be with anyone else, he is a celibate person. he asked me when i wanted to see him and what i wanted and i told him and then a week later, he suddenly hasn't answered me, so i thought, maybe he is stressed or just worried about himself, once i'm there, that he has to put on a 'good face' or maybe he just wants to be left alone, you'd think and then, the next thing, he talks about future plans with commitments to me and stuff.. so it's like, he wants to be with me, but at the same time, there's something in his head telling him to sabotage because he doesn't deserve me (but he is naturally possessive to a degree of me and doesn't want to loose me in that way) and that he seems afraid of making himself look moody so he'll hide it for days and doesn't want to ruin it but he still pushes.... the most sarcastic thing he does is he'll ask me if i know how he feels and if i analyse him right, he'll agree thats how he feels, but then he becomes resentful that i can read him, so everytime, he seems to be delving more covertly. it's very concerning, but i want to be there for him like he has been for me too, he was very accepting and caring about my recent diagnosis and is a very lovely person.

[tempiren]

i've left about a few emails in the last few days, not many.. because i can't just stonewall him, but he hasn't answered again in those days or come online, so i thought, the best method was to just give him space for him to come back and talk to me, but i have high anxiety waiting at times and i have to stop myself, because i see he sometimes resents it, other times he tells me that his feeling depressed and i can write to him, but he needs time to get over it, but i am really really worried when he retreats, because i don't know whats happening or whether my method is the right one. i think he feels guilty that i always stay with him, but at the same time he wants me there, i agree he should talk to someone, but i'm the only one who knows about his personality state, he hides it from everyone and like a lot of men, doesn't want to talk to a doctor, that's why i tend to support more, so he has someone to talk to of course... and at times he does.

[Permanent Pajamas]

Honestly, what I see here is a person playing head games with you. He is manipulating your feelings.

How do you feel about another person deciding how you should feel?

I don't think it is at all healthy. He has serious control issues.

[tempiren]

for a aspergers person, i am not apathetic or indifferent, i have co-morbid traits of avoidant apparently, in fact i wasn't diagnosed until i was in my 20's recently, i guess he feels guilty if he is doing that, what you say.. because he knows very well, i have limited to no family (no parents or outside close relationships) and my living family are all borderline or antisocial, so i'm heavily co-dependent and i see a psychologist, but to little avail, they are trying to 'erase my past' but i'm very affected, i think i may feel like this, because i've been rejected even by my dad and every subsequent male, so i have to accommodate and stuff.. it's stupid. i have all my hopes invested in not emotionally breaking down in such a position i'm in, it's very easy to feel sad or disheartened but everytime i feel that way and if he senses it, all it seems to do is give him negative validation of what his done and then he flees and is embarassed with himself, but i don't know how to react but to ignore his attempts to provoke me into this self-defeating attention, i am fully aware of depressiveness and up and down moods that comes with it, but i feel like, i don't have anyone and i don't want anyone.

i know it's wrong to be in this position, and i'm not with him because i have no other options, it's because i love him very much and it's extremely hard for me to trust people and i rarely trust anyone, i feel like i have to know what approach is best, i know depressed people push people away and isolate themselves, it's just the extended avoidance (and my freaking out), but still... it's hard to understand when you don't understand proper social cues like i do what's being done or thought by others.

[hamster-bamster]

Even for this forum, which is attended mostly by people who receive professional mental health and are more or less in the know, your posts are unusual in that you use so much mental health terminology. So much!

He really needs a T. You cannot be either his analyst or his diagnostician.

[hamster-bamster]

Another observation is that your encounters and interactions with him are all very cerebral. Can you do something less cerebral? You said that he is a celibate so that rules out sex, but there are non cerebral ways to be together other than sex.

[hamster-bamster]

I have been thinking of you and I am afraid that you are courting disaster with your degree of involvement. As Leed said, be careful and do not get hurt in the process.