[beanie1971]

Hello, I am new to these forums and I am hoping for some advice on two issues. Let me give you some background first, I am living with my boyfriend of one year but we were friends in high school, always wanted to get together but the time was never right. Anyways, we're together now and live together. My BF is a recovering alcoholic/addict and is working the 12 Steps with AA. Ever since he started working through them, his sex drive has diminished. We once had a healthy sex life, passionate, fun, now he barely comes near me. Sex is twice a month, quick, no foreplay. He seems to be quite content with this even though my self-esteem is beginning to fail, I feel undesirable and unwanted. He says it's him, not me, he loves me, attacted to me, blah, blah, blah but doesn't do anything to change. We have sought counselling about this but he refuses to go back. I think he has a fear of intimacy because he has relapsed in the past due to an ex who hurt him very badly. It's starting to really upset me that he doesn't seem to give a **** about my feelings.
Second issue, he has an ex who he says he is still friends with. They dated back in the nineties, tried to rekindle three years ago but decided to just be friends. She continues to text him, message through Facebook, call him by her pet name. She was texting him all last night and I'm not sure if he responds because he deletes all his sent messages. The woman is engaged to another man. How do I deal with this?
Sorry for the lengthy post but I feel like I am going crazy.

[beanie1971]

Hello I am new to the forums and am looking for some advice. A little background info. I have been with my BF for one year but we were friends in high school, wanted to be together over the years but the time was never right. We're living together now.
Issue 1: My BF is a recovering alcoholic/addict. He has been working his 12 Steps in AA. Since this began our sex life has suffered. We went from a healthy, passionate sex life to twice a month. He seems to have lost all desire for sex and me. He swears it's him, that he loves me, attracted to me, blah, blah, blah but he doesn't initiate, no foreplay, kissing or touching. I feel awful, undesirable and sad. We did seek counselling but he refuses to go back. I think he may have a fear of intimacy because he relapsed before we met over some girl who hurt him. Stll, he does nothing to change and it's making me feel like crap.
Issue 2: his ex keeps texting him and messaging him on Facebook. She calls him by her pet name for him, and can be quite flirty. They dated back in he nineties, tried to reconcile three years ago but said they made better friends. Why won't she back off. I don't care if she checks in every once in a while but she text him all last night and he hides it from me. I just happened to see her name when he opened his phone. Why does he keep hiding this and why can'y she back off. She is engaged to another man.
Sorry for the lengthy post but my head is spinning.

[hamster-bamster]

I can give you my personal take on that. Now, I have never been an addict, but... someone once convinced me to go to a meeting of "Adult Children of Alcoholics Anonymous". This person said that since I had gone through emotional abuse from my parents and extended family when growing up, the issues I was facing were the same. This person led such meetings in San Francisco. San Francisco is too far so I went to a local meeting.

I HAVE NEVER IN MY LIFE ATTENDED ANYTHING MORE BORING.

And that is saying a lot, because my meetings at work are extremely boring. But still livelier than the ACAA.

Plus, those people talk about powerlessness and that sort of stuff.

So, I am thinking, if I personally had an obligation to attend meetings that inculcate powerlessness and are outrageously boring, I, too, would eventually lose my sex drive and the drive to enjoy life in general.

[Wonderwoman12]

Trust your instincts. I am kinda in the same boat. If he can't respect your feelings and try to understand how his behaviour is hurting you, and there is no compromise, then respect yourself and walk away. I have so much doubt with my guy it has turned into him resenting me for my lack of trust, hurt, etc. that he has blamed me for his low libido because of my depression, questions, etc. Hang in there and realize that your intuition is usually right.

[Wonderwoman12]

Have you asked your bf to cut all contact with his ex? My bf's ex told him in a chat that she felt bad for messaging him since he was attached now (we had been together for 3mos) and that she was going to stop contacting him...(even though she is married)...anyways, she continued contacting him via txting and a few phone calls to his work that I know of. She had been asking him to come see her after he posted that he was in a relationship on fb...I really think she told him that she wouldn't contact anymore bc he hadn't gone to see her and she wanted him to say, no its okay to chat...but instead he replied, Thanks I would appreciate that, she would be pretty pissed if she knew I was talking to you...Anyways, I was and still am pissed that he lied but as far as I know he has not responded to her last email. Good Luck...

[Perna]

Originally Posted by beanie1971

She was texting him all last night and I'm not sure if he responds because he deletes all his sent messages.

It sounds like you have (and are probably sending) mixed messages yourself. My husband could be having an affair and I might be the last to know because I currently trust him and his electronics and what he is doing is "his" and I do what I do on my computer and phone, etc. and that's "mine". Feeling you have to violate another's privacy to feel secure/good about yourself is not a whole lot better than giving cause for someone else to think there is an issue in the first place.

I would decide what I want (more sex, less ex-) and state that to your boyfriend. I would explore for yourself why you feel less/desirable because he does not want as much sex and look at what is "really" going on with the sex and the ex-, if there's things on your part that you can do to help yourself with how you feel.

If someone else wants to lose sleep texting all night, that doesn't bother me; however, if I am personally worried my boyfriend might go back to his ex- then I need to look at my relationship and boyfriend harder, to see if they are what I actually want.

Enjoying sex and wanting more, your boyfriend should be willing to work toward giving you that if he loves you and wants you to be happy? No matter how he currently feels, even once a week instead of twice a month should be doable to him, it's not like you would be asking for nightly, with marathons on weekends :-) However, if you just feel bad about yourself because he isn't not initiating sex (what happens when you initiate?), that is more your problem than his?