In-law concerns (but not what you might think)

So, I've never had a problem with my hubs' family. We get along quite well, and I actually really like his parents. They share a lot of the same interests we do.

Lately, however, I find myself nitpicking where his mother is concerned. We're Facebook friends, and that's fine, but some days she logs in and goes on "like" sprees and comments on everything that is on my wall. I think that it should be fine that she does this, and I should not react negatively to it. They live thousands of kilometres away from us, so aside from phone/Skype, Facebook is really the only way they regularly communicate with us. And honestly, it even bugs my husband a little too...he groans everytime he sees she's online commenting and liking away at his page too. It's like she's trying too hard or something.

I suppose what I'm worried about is that my dislike of this stems from something deeper. When I get depressed, there isn't anything my hubs can do that can make me like him. I get severely irritated with anything he does, and I wonder if this isn't an extension of my behaviour with him.

I suppose what worries me most is that if it's an extension of my behaviour with him, it irritates me even when I'm not depressed. And I wonder if that means that my irritation with him will spread to the times I'm not depressed. I feel like I'm starting to resent him when I shouldn't.

You see, this does go much deeper than I thought. Ugh.

Are you or have you ever been in therapy? If you're not in therapy, I believe it's time to go, before this goes any deeper. This could really effect your marriage in a very very bad way. It's great that you recognized it, but before this gets out of hand, you really should seek help. Please have your doctor refer you to a good therapist. Getting started in therapy is crucial right now.

I see that you live "across the pond" so I don't know how your system works as far as getting help, or if you have insurance, etc. But i PRAY you won't have to wait forever before you can get help. You do need to get this taken care of before it goes too deep.

If you can, talk to your doctor about getting this appointment as soon as you can. I wish you the very best, my friend. And would you please let us know how things turn out? I'd really appreciate it, because we DO care about you!!

God bless and please take care of yourself. Hugs, Lee

I've been in therapy for other concerns, but most recently, I was in therapy last year. The problem was, I went through two therapists in the span of two months. I live in a remote city (in northern Canada though, not across the pond...left of Greenland on the map ) and we have a terrible time filling a lot of positions up here - medical positions especially. Both of my therapists left to go south after I had worked up the courage to really begin to get into my problems. I haven't been back...it's terribly exhausting to go through it all over again. I do want to return, but...I suppose I'm just not sure how many times I can do it. I guess I could find out how long the therapist will be around before I start. The question of whether or not they are a "good" therapist is a separate issue all together.

In any case, yes, my hubs and I had some problems last year. We worked a lot of things out on our own. We actually do communicate quite well, but I'm not saying that it's not a lot of hard work to do so, or that we always get it right.

Anyway, I suppose I wasn't as alarmed about things as you are, so perhaps there is something I'm not seeing quite yet. I have a lot of issues that I know I need to work through on my own, let alone related to my relationship, so I'll give our mental health office a call to see what I can do.

Thanks for your support...

From my stance, not having a great relationship with my in-laws, I don't really see much to worry about it. Honestly, the only reason I have facebook at this point in my life is so I don't actually have to talk to my in-laws. I may be a horrible person, but there is very, very little my MIL can do that doesn't rub me the wrong way. We live over 1000 miles from both sets of parents, and I go out of my way to not talk to my MIL... If I see she's on caller id, I hand the phone to my husband. It's that bad. We joke that even my husband gets along better with my parents than his own. But with that in mind, my husband realizes my parents aren't perfect and can see their flaws. He can also see their flaws in me, just as I can see the influence of his parents in him. But that doesn't make us our parents, or our parents us. I don't believe that the way we interact with our in-laws, good or bad, is an extension of how we interact with our spouses. We interact with everyone as individuals. I think your struggle with your MIL is that you're feeling "facebook smothered." And honestly? I think that would annoy a lot of people.

I think the issue with your irritation with your husband which stems from your depression is another issue entirely. While I think you should ignore your MIL's clinging through facebook as much as you can (you realize it's irrational to get upset about it, so focus on not getting upset about it), I think you should pay attention to your depression. I think that is where Lee's concern stemmed from, and she was simply worried that that behavior could cause troubles for your marriage (I don't think the MIL issue will, especially since you two seem to be in agreement). I definitely understand the pain it is to constantly restart therapy, but you might want to look into it again, and yes, check their future moving plans before you start to really get into things. Personally, I think they should tell you as soon as they're considering or know if they're going to move to give you adequate time to transition away from them and to someone new.

Anyways, this is just my opinion. And remember, take it with a grain of salt.

I love your description of where you are and could ask you questions about the weather for hours. But enough about me. You mention Skype - I just read an interesting article about how Skying with psychiatrists or psychologists is changing the industry. No longer do you have to pick a person just b/c he or she is within a reasonable drive.

Skype revolutionizing mental health care | Fox News

I have not personally tried this option, b/c I do have a wonderful therapist an hour away from me, but if I lived slighly left of Greenland, I'd definitely be on the phone/internet looking for help.

Warm thoughts and hugs,
Bub

Thanks for the suggestion and the link to the article. That's great news that technology is enabling so much more than just looking at naked women on the internet.

Unfortunately, I have bandwidth limits, internet is super expensive and overage fees would break the bank. It's definitely great to know that the options exist, however. One day, I potentially could use them.

I had to smile?

It does sound like she hasn't quite gotten the idea behind online communities and how to respond. Does she have many "friends" on Facebook or just a few family members? If she doesn't have many good examples and experience, she can have an idea in her head what she is trying to express and just doesn't know a better way.

Some older people aren't going to get it. My sister-in-law (only 8-9 years older than I am) is one of those that forwards all the group emails she receives, despite my telling her that can be dangerous and is not what I am interested in. She did explain to me that she is very short on time and feels like at least I know she's alive and thinking of me? That helps me some as I delete them without reading most :-)

there are worse things, too.

I recently reconnected with an old friend of mine, via FB (thanks FB). I visited her in Texas. Her husband, a very nice and charming man in his late 60s, put me on his email distribution list. He forwards me jokes that are funny and tasty, yet...

he puts the email addresses in CC or TO!!!!!!!!!!!! Not BCC. Have I given him permission to reveal my email address to his friends and contacts whom I do not know? Has he even asked me for such a permission?

I do remember such CC or TO (but not BCC) emails being popular in the 1990s, but it is now 2013.