[JMT22]

I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years and he enjoys smoking weed. I am against the drug but I don't mind him doing it occasionally. I have caught him 4 time's smoking a lying about it to me. He is only suppose to do it on the weekend. Today (monday) I was going to surprise him at his house. I walked in and he was shocked to see me. I felt his pocket and sure enough there was a pipe. I was livid. I am unsure of how to handle this situation.

[Confusedinomicon]

If him smoking pot really bugs you and you know he will not compromise then you may as well split.

He will probably smoke pot when he sees fit and tell you he won't do it again so you stay happy with him.

[shezbut]

Hello and welcome to PC.

I do think that you might as well leave your bf. As it is, you're unhappy with his consumption of mary jane. While I can certainly understand your unhappiness and stress response to being essentially lied to about his consumption of the drug ~ it does sound as though you have firm limits and he has crossed those boundaries a few times too many!

A few words of experience... don't expect to change others. Your bf may agree to your limits verbally every now and then, but actions speak louder than words. His behavior won't change anytime soon.

It is sad and hard to leave sometimes, better now than later on down the road when children have been brought into the picture though! Very gentle hugs to you. Take care.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by JMT22

I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years and he enjoys smoking weed. I am against the drug but I don't mind him doing it occasionally. I have caught him 4 time's smoking a lying about it to me. He is only suppose to do it on the weekend. Today (monday) I was going to surprise him at his house. I walked in and he was shocked to see me. I felt his pocket and sure enough there was a pipe. I was livid. I am unsure of how to handle this situation.

1) he enjoys it a lot
2) you are against it 100%
3) you do not mind occasional use

So you are conflicted and deliver a mixed message since 2) and 3) are contradictory, and he is in conflict with both 2) and 3).

As Shezbut said, 1) is going to stay put.

Whether you can change with respect to 2) and 3) is up to you. It is your call completely and not something that merits getting the wisdom of the crowds via polling, in my opinion. It is your life to live, after all.

[GiggleGirlTX]

The lying is what you should be concerned about, IMO. Find someone who won't lie to you about things that are important to you.

[Harley47]

Well, what gets me isn't so much the usage of marijuana as much as the lying. I'm in the same boat as you, in that many of my friends smoke marijuana yet I refuse (I would say it's a moral basis, but that's not quite right...more of a "my mother would kill me" sort of morality, I suppose?). At any rate, if he's not willing to compromise and work with you about it, and if he's going to lie to you about it, I'd split. I am sorry to have to advise that.

[RomanSunburn]

Hamster, I think she can be against it without being 100% against it. If she were 100% against it, I highly doubt she'd be in this relationship or would tolerate any sort of compromise on his usage.

I do agree with other posters, though, that the main issue isn't his usage -- it's the lying that comes with it. To me, that would bother me far, far more than him using. That's just a break down of all things essential for a healthy relationship -- trust, communication, and respect. He doesn't respect her enough to be honest with her and tell the truth. He never should have agreed to the compromise if he knew he wouldn't be able to stick to it. Then she could have made the choice if she wanted to stay or not with all the facts, rather than add insult to injury later on by lying.

JMT, you could try having another conversation with him about it, but I'd be wary of believing what he says.

I hope whatever happens, you will be happy in the long run.

You've already caught him lying to you about it - MORE THAN ONCE ... !!!

What else could he be lying to you about?

Time to decide how you want yourself to be treated in a relationship.

What are you willing and unwilling to tolerate?

Personally, there's too much drama involved in it for me.

I have a very low level of tolerance for those who try to make me second fiddle to their addictions.

I ain't havin' it ... I respect myself too much for that.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by JMT22

I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years and he enjoys smoking weed. I am against the drug but I don't mind him doing it occasionally. I have caught him 4 time's smoking a lying about it to me. He is only suppose to do it on the weekend. Today (monday) I was going to surprise him at his house. I walked in and he was shocked to see me. I felt his pocket and sure enough there was a pipe. I was livid. I am unsure of how to handle this situation.

OK, I have reread the OP. So he smokes at his house. He was not expecting you - it was supposed to be a surprise. So it is not that he was expecting you to visit and made the house smell of weed, which would have been unpleasant to you. He thought that he was being by himself.

Then why do you care about it?

I do not like second hand tobacco smoke so it is not allowed in my apartment. Nor can I tolerate somebody's smoking in his apartment in my presence. But in my absence people are free to smoke in their apartments.

So I do not get what the issue is.

Also, feeling somebody's pocket reminds me of security checks in airports.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by JMT22

He is only supposed to do it on the weekend.

Based on your word choice, there was no compromise. Rather, you gave him an order and are upset/livid because he is disobeying and lying.

The language of compromises is different. Had there been a compromise, you would have written something along the lines of "we agreed that he would...".

Based on the OP alone, your r/s looks like a r/s between a schoolteacher and a pupil in an elementary school during years gone by.

***

Research has shown that people tend to uphold agreements entered into during mediation better than follow court orders, even when the content of the agreement/order is the same. So participation matters. People like to participate better than follow somebody's orders.

It does not mean that participation guarantees compliance, but it does increase the chances of compliance.

[Confusedinomicon]

I think the point is he said one thing and went back on it. Maybe he was trying to appease her, but he still agreed to smoke during the weekend and that's still a form of 'compromise'.

In any case he lied to her multiple times.

I think that is enough.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Confusedinomicon

In any case he lied to her multiple times.

I think that is enough.

It is certainly nicer when your partner is truthful, but I cannot comprehend the worldview that holds that his being untruthful is so horrible while her turning his house into a security checkpoint a la those at international airports is OK. Nor how OP's trying to change his behavior that is harmless to her is OK. How did she suffer from his smoking pot? Why was it her business? Was it a legal concern? Well, then she should have banned him from smoking in her house (where she could have suffered legal consequences), but in his own house he should be free to do whatever he wants.

Is OP is against the drug, there are other ways to act on this strong opposition. She can join organizations that make it their goal to oppose marijuana; she can donate money towards the marijuana raids efforts, etc. It is not necessary to take this opposition on one's near and dear. Why single out the boyfriend? Reach out to masses of people instead; make a scalable impact, for goodness' sake. Limiting one fellow's consumption is a drop in the bucket anyway, so why expend energy on it.

Is he even an addict? No, per OP verbatim, he "enjoys smoking weed". That is all - "enjoys". And per the title of the thread, he does it "too much". So who decides the norms of weed consumption and on what (hopefully non-arbitrary) basis are those decisions made?

[Confusedinomicon]

You have to remember that most people don't rationalize every situation in their life. Her feelings are hurt and have been multiple times. She thought she could change a behavior and it hasn't been working even though they 'compromised'.

She didn't turn his home into a security checkpoint either. She knows he smokes pot so you'd expect the pot/pipe/whatever to be in a drawer in a room, but not in the pocket. It wouldn't be hard to notice a pipe either, especially if its a glass pipe.

The fallacy here is the belief that you can change a person when they have no internal motivation to do so, themselves. That's all this comes down to and to be honest it's better to get out of a relationship with someone then constantly be disappointed because you don't approve of something that they do.

You don't need to partake in organizations to dislike something. She isn't so against the drug that she's demanding that he stops using all together. There is probably a reason why she dislikes him smoking during the week that hasn't been disclosed.

This kind of arguing will not help the OP though.

[Yoda]

If a potential BF told me how much weed I was allowed to smoke that would end the relationship, right there. I like to smoke and don't need someone to look after me to make sure I smoke the 'right' amount.

End the relationship

[hamster-bamster]

I did, on one occasion, literally pull a cigarette out of the mouth of a distant female friend who smoked outside, near a subway station. I left the subway station, saw her, rushed to her, and pulled her cigarette out.

Since I was seriously against tobacco smoking, I thought I was doing a good deed. I thought it was cool.

But I was a teen.

And since then, I have realized that I should not cross other people's boundaries this way - she was smoking outside a subway station, not in my apartment, so it was her own business.

So I thought that other people came to this kind of realization also before age 20.

[RomanSunburn]

...Just going to reiterate the fact that I really don't think it's about him using or where he was using or any of that. I believe this issue is that fact that he went back on some form of agreement. We do not know if it was a compromise or a "I really wish you only did it on the weekend" "Okay, I will", or even a "Only do it on the weekends." "Fine." type of a agreement. Either way, it sounds, to me, that it was something he agreed upon in some manner that he would only smoke on the weekends. Personally, I think the main issue would be the same regardless of what the "it" he does is.. video games, drinking, sex with other people, hell it could even be cooking (You're only allowed to cook on the weekends when I'm there to make sure you don't burn the house down, or something equally as ridiculous/out there for people not in the situation). If he knew that he wouldn't stick to it, then he shouldn't have agreed to her wish/command/desire under any circumstance. Maybe it was unfair of her to ask that of him, but he agreed to it, and, in my opinion, it is disrespectful to go back on his word.

[objtrbit]

Just one more angle to look at...

What does it mean to you when he smokes?

Could it be possible that it bothers you not because of the legal or possible health stuff, but because it feels like he is not spending time with you?

If you are craving intimacy, or a closeness with your boyfriend, the pot might aggravate the situation because its just like when someone drinks-they are intoxicated, you are not, and so its hard to connect, if that makes any sense.

Do you feel unloved/abandoned/neglected when he smokes?
Do you get anxiety when he smokes?
just thoughts to help you explore some of the maybe unconscious things going on for you.

Your boyfriend likes to smoke, that could be anything from his way of coping to his hobby, either way, it is apart of who he is-he may eventually grow to resent you for trying to control that part of him.

Coming home finding him smoking-that might make you feel like he's not listening to you, or possibly even that he doesn't care.

He may care deeply about you, but also he has the right to be himself too, as you also have the right to yourself. What if he told you he didn't like your music, and you could only listen to your favorite music on the weekends? You might try and make it work for awhile, but eventually its going to aggravate you that not only does he not like your music/hobby, but that he is also no controlling something you love, that is a part of you. Its just not a good situation.

you're in a hard place, I hope you keep posting;
Take care,
-obj