[Raj1926]

I have been dating my girlfriend (she's 23) since the past 6 months and really love her. We had an instant connection and things were great for the first few weeks. After that her step dad visited her and took advantage of the situation and sexually abused her. Since then, she has started going to therapy and is mentally a lot better but there continues to be zero intimacy.
I am trying to be patient but every now and then I get frustrated and end up revealing the frustration to her and it ruins the situation even more.
Please can someone give me practical advice on what to do here and how to deal with this.
We both really care for each other.

[IceCreamKid]

I suggest you stop seeing this young woman. Let her heal from what sounds like a terrible situation without the complication of feeling like she has to satisfy your sexual needs.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Raj1926

I have been dating my girlfriend (she's 23) since the past 6 months and really love her. We had an instant connection and things were great for the first few weeks. After that her step dad visited her and took advantage of the situation and sexually abused her. Since then, she has started going to therapy and is mentally a lot better but there continues to be zero intimacy.
I am trying to be patient but every now and then I get frustrated and end up revealing the frustration to her and it ruins the situation even more.
Please can someone give me practical advice on what to do here and how to deal with this.
We both really care for each other.

Did he rape her for the first time when she was an adult or did he commit childhood sexual abuse back then when they were living in the same household?

[Odee]

Originally Posted by IceCreamKid

I suggest you stop seeing this young woman. Let her heal from what sounds like a terrible situation without the complication of feeling like she has to satisfy your sexual needs.

That sounds like a terrible solution that would only make the GF even more sexually repressed. She needs time to recover and someone who is understanding and honest with her is the best scenario for her.

[Leed]

I'd also like to know if he raped her, of if this has been going on for years. If he raped her, she should have called the police!

I'm sure there's more to this than she has told you. Take care. Hugs, Lee

Originally Posted by IceCreamKid

I suggest you stop seeing this young woman. Let her heal from what sounds like a terrible situation without the complication of feeling like she has to satisfy your sexual needs.

Originally Posted by Odee

That sounds like a terrible solution that would only make the GF even more sexually repressed. She needs time to recover and someone who is understanding and honest with her is the best scenario for her.

I agree with both of you. He does need to keep his frustration hidden tho, at all times while she tries to cope with what happened. If he really loves her, he will not pressure her - and that would be the case even if she wasn't raped.

[Captainkeefy]

Hi,

Sorry to hear about this. Right now your girlfriend is probably blaming herself for what's happened, you've got to be really non judgemental with her. I know it's tough, it feels like you are being punished in one of the worst ways possible for something you didn't do. Wanting to make love to the person you love isn't wrong. It can seem that way though, but it is a very health human emotion. What's happened to you girlfriend I'm guessing is the worst thing that can ever happen to a female. I can only imagine how she feels, she isn't going to want to be intimate or affectionate. Give her a hug and tell her you really care about her. I guess in time she will open up with little things, if she does make sure you don't look at anything in a judgemental way. She doesn't want you to judge her and she probably doesn't want you to judge her dad either. Instead just listen to her and empathiSe and show support, say things like "I'm so sorry you feel like this, I would be hurt if it happened to me. I've always got an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on and plenty of hugs just for you."
Remember to find a healthy way to let out your frustration. Go the gym, watch your favourite movie. It will be really though on you too and it can affect your confidence and self esteem if you let it, instead look at productive ways to deal with frustration.

I hope this helps.

[Harley47]

Hi Raj.

That is awful! I am so sorry to hear that this happened to her. Please know she (and you) are in my prayers.

I know that a lack of intimacy must be frustrating, and I appreciate your perspective, but understand what she just went through. Someone who she is supposed to be able to trust just committed one of the most grievous abuses of that trust that is possible to commit, and did it in a manner that links sexuality to the trauma. Right now, sex is going to be the last thing on her mind...it's going to be emotionally painful, and it's going to remind her of the abuse. She is going to need time before she can fully disassociate sex and abuse, which is a rather hard thing to do.

You need to be supportive of her right now. That is the best thing you can do for her. While I know it's frustrating, and I know you must miss what you had, venting your frustration to her is only going to make her feel much worse. Be there for her, and help her work through this, and be patient as she recovers. That is the best you can do for her.

Please know I am praying for you both, and I hope things work out for the best.

Hugs,
Harley

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Harley47

Right now, sex is going to be the last thing on her mind...it's going to be emotionally painful, and it's going to remind her of the abuse. She is going to need time before she can fully disassociate sex and abuse, which is a rather hard thing to do.

That is actually not necessarily true. I have been through (fairly mild, no gang rapes) forms of sexual abuse, and it has never impacted my desire to have consensual sex. In other words, the negative experiences that I (unfortunately) obtained due to non-consensual sex never impacted my positive experiences with consensual sex. I have always been able to keep them entirely separate.

Hopefully, no more non-consensual sex for me from this point on.

But I can see how a negative experience with non-consensual sex can affect somebody so deeply that she would be unwilling to engage in sex with a loving partner.