[JeepGirl86]

Im madly in love with my husband weve been married going on two years he sill gives me butterflies but we had a few problems he was cheating on me b4 and after we were married he does not see it as cheating bc he never met the many women but i do bc he was offering to buy sexual favors meet at hotels he his post on craigist made me feel like he had run a knife in my heart he says it has stopped i want to believe him but i have weeks like im having now where it consumes my every thought dreams i suffer from depression anxiety diagnosed with bi-polar depression.Im not sure if i jus need to talk to someone who has been through the same situation well crap to be honest i just dont know i need help

[Travelinglady]

I can understand why you would still not quite trust your husband. However, it would definitely be better for your mental health if you could manage to get the past out of your mind as much as possible and try to take him at his word.

I'm not sure we always can forget after we forgive, but each time the memory comes up, then you can forgive again. That's what I do involving my relationship with my abusive mother.

If you think it would help to talk about it, then do so. But sometimes keeping up the talking just makes it stay in your mind more, unless, as I say, you forgive after dwelling on it once again.

[LipsSewnShut]

Unfortunately, we can't un-know what we know. What we can do is look at the person and ask ourselves if they are the same person they were when they hurt you. Have they learned their lesson? Have they shown they are sorry? It's very hard when people say, "Don't bring up the past" because, for some, this a license to excuse repeated bad behaviour, but if he's been a good man since, try to talk your feelings over with him. It's perfectly understandable that you would need some reassurance. All the best.

[hamster-bamster]

I do not think the two are related.

Forgetting has to do with memory and is largely outside of your conscious control.

Forgiving is a conscious action of the mind.

People cannot will how their memory functions.

[Leed]

Hi JeepGirl ~ I'm sorry this happened, but if he NEVER met the women, and this happened before you were married, I can't really see this as "cheatiing." He may have had a "silly" type of contact with these women, but I dont' think I'd every call it a relationship. All he was doing, from the sound of it, was TRYING to set up a sexual meeting. This wasn't going to be a relationship.

Honey, do you have any PROOF that he's cheating now? I don't think so. Does he stay out all night, and you don't know where he is? I don't think so. He has apologized over and over for what happened? Probably. Do you think he loves you? Yes, I'm sure of it.

If you keep this up, you're going to push him away, sweetie. By continually believing that he DID cheat, and letting this interfere with your marriage, you're going to let this RUIN your marriage. You CAN'T do this! You have GOT to forgive him, and let the rest GO. You can't bring it up anymore, and you've got to drive these thoughts OUT OF YOUR MIND. They don't mean anything, and they didn't mean anything to HIM. HE LOVES YOU and he married YOU. That should tell you enough.

So forgive, and forget! If you can't forget, then you may regret it. Perhaps you should talk to a psychologist. Have your doctor refer you to a good therapist. I wish you the very best. God bless, sweetie and take care. Hugs, Lee

[Rose76]

It sounds like more than "a few problems." It sounds like you have been very hurt. People can forgive and go on to put a thing in the past to where it becomes nearly forgotten. You sound very forgiving. I think you would be willing to "forget," if you felt you could now trust him. You just do not trust him. I don't believe I would, either.

I'm a little confused. If the wanting to go to hotels and the posting on Craig's list came after the marriage, then I would expect you to have lost most of your trust in him.

A man who's building a life with a woman he loves doesn't have money to waste on hotel rooms and buying sexual favors. A man who does is a guy who is going to be a drain on you for the rest of your life. You might want to analyze his financial habits, as well as his sexual habits. He sounds extremely immature, at best.

I've known a few women who got cheated on and left their marriages for that reason. The two that I knew best went on to find men who were much better for them. You have a right to leave this marriage, if it is causing you more hurt than you are willing to accept.

I also know a woman who stayed in a marriage, even after being cheated on. Today, it is a very good marriage and she is happy. So I'm not saying that cheating is always the end of a marriage. It depends. You won't ever totally forget and you don't need to. You only need to forgive. That can only happen if he convinces you that he is truly sorry and won't behave like that anymore. If you can't seem to feel convinced, maybe you need to listen to that little inner voice.

If you have a bipolar disorder, then it is a permanent emotional challenge that you face. A person with bipolar disorder needs an extra good marriage. If yours is not that, it might make managing your depression a lot harder. Sounds like it has. I'm sorry you are going through this.