[Lovely Loss]

I guess I'm just venting or complaining, or maybe even pleading. I really don't know.
I'm in denial over the fact that I'm in a relationship that I don't want to be in, she is a very sweet and kind girl but I just don't see her in that way. It's been months now and I've tried to love her in every way that I can but I just can't. I've considered breaking up with her but I just can't do that, in one way I just don't want to hurt her, she's been so kind and loving and I've been nothing but an absolute monster. I scream, I'm so easily angered, I'm distant and resentful, I don't mean to be but I am abusive. I don't hit her or call her names but whenever we get into fights, I just get paranoid and seep into her mind and blame her for everything. Instead of talking about how I'm unstable and somewhat violent, I instead talk about how she is unsupportive and selfish, which is only true because she is so scared of attempting to get close to me. It's like playing russian roulette, I could be happy and loving or I could be angry and cruel. I feel horrible for the things that I do, I don't intend to but I just get lost within my deluded reality, it's everyone else and not me, I'm always so kind and supportive but people just aren't good enough and they hate me. It's this absolute madness that I constantly struggle to be rid of. And when I'm feeling guilty I can't help but try and turn my bad traits into badges of honour so that I can struggle to overwhelm my empathy till it no longer exists. I've always been like this but I could never see it, but when I finally realised the kind of person that I was, I just couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe that I was one of those people, I was an abusive partner, I was a leech, I was a manipulative coward. And that's what I am, a coward because I can't even do the right thing and let her go, leave this relationship so that she can be done with me.
Along with all that, I can't stand talking to people that I enjoy being around because I'm afraid I'll have some kind of affair, physical or emotional. I don't trust my restraint and I don't want to hurt her like that, I especially don't want to end the relationship on those terms.

So yeah, I don't expect anyone to respond to this, I don't expect anyone to be supportive of my situation and I understand if you think I'm a degenerate and waste of life. I'm not a good person.
So yeah, I guess I'm just venting but if anyone does read this and I'm sure people will, if you have any advice for what I can do to fix this or how I can end the relationship in a way that won't be dangerous. She really is a lovely girl, she was so sweet and supportive when my last relationship practically broke me, but she isn't that stable herself and she has serious emotional and dependency issues, I am her self-esteem and she feels worthless without my constant support, which as you could guess hasn't been too good as of late.
I do regret ever bringing her into my life, I've done so much damage that it keeps me up at night. It needs to stop but I can't bring myself to end it. So yeah, I'm sorry if I have upset a few people, so yeah.

[Sojourn]

Hi LL,

It sounds like you have been taking some time to reflect on your relationship and your life and you have come to many new revelations. That’s actually a very good thing. You are trying to be more honest with yourself and that is the right place to start – for anyone. It takes courage to admit to our own faults and weaknesses and to face them.

Relationships take work. They require clear, honest communication. You have had a lot of insights. That is how you perceive things and there is some truth there. However, do not be mistaken and believe your truth is the only truth. You have a wonderful girl and it time to share your insights with each other so you can both tackle these relationship problems together. That is the strength of being in a relationship – you are not alone, you have each other to rely on. I would suggest you also start seeing a therapist if you are not already doing so. An outside perspective from a professional can help immensely. They can share strategies to help you become the person you want to be.

Try not to take on the world alone. Too many people do. Involve others, get a support system in place. Allow yourself to get all the help you can get and need. Make your girlfriend an integral part of your healing process. You recognize the problems so now it’s time to do something about it. And that is something you do have the power to do. You don’t have to give up on yourself or your relationship. You can become a stronger person, the person you want to be. Life is about the choices we make. You have the choice now to conquer your demons, so do it. You’re not a bad person, you struggle just like all of us do. Don’t hate yourself. Learn to love yourself so you have love to give to your girlfriend and those around you. You can overcome and succeed but it all starts with a personal choice to do just that. So make that choice. Good luck to you!

If you really do not want to be in the relationship, like you said at the start of your post, then you must end it. You know, it's so hard to end a relationship, and also be dumped, but its something we all go through. If you are being abusive towards a g/f who already has her own issues, then you will more than likely be making her worse too. But there is no point, no matter how difficult, in staying with someone for the sake of it, or because they cannot deal with being single. You need to do yourself a favour, and also her, she should be free to find someone who loves and treats her with respect.

I agree, it takes a lot of courage to see your own faults, and its a step in the right direction with trying to fix yourself, if you so wish to. I very much recommend seeing a therapist too. I also recommend perhaps trying to help yourself while being single, work on yourself, find yourself some peace and start to like yourself, and gain some confidence. I do not think its fair to be like this while with another person, sorry to be so blunt, but there is no excuse or reason good enough for violence and you need to sort that out before embarking on a relationship. Were you like this with your last g/f or is it a new development?

Anyway, therapy if it works will give you more peace with yourself, more confidence and an understanding of your triggers. You may just be able to have a more fulfilling relationship with your next g/f and both be truly happy.

[AAAAA]

It is really difficult to deal with anger issues Lovely. I have a short fuse and when I’m angry I want everyone around me to be as miserable as I am. I’ve worked a long time to keep that particular demon at bay. The only thing that helps is time. When I’m angry I need time alone to calm down. I’ve been married to the same man for nearly 28 years. Sometimes his need to “get things solved” overrides his common sense. I’ve explained to him over and over again, that attempting to reason with me when I am in this mood makes things much worse than if he’d just give me a while to calm down before dealing with it. Human nature I suppose. I have done a lot of work. I realize it is my choice whether or not to get angry. Sometimes I’m even able to take a breath and decide that getting worked up over whatever it is isn’t worth the grief that comes with it.

It does not sound as though this relationship is very healthy. You can’t just stay with someone because you don’t want to hurt them. I hope that you can find the strength to let her that you need to work on yourself right now. You cannot have a healthy relationship until you’re healthy yourself. It has been my experience that when we are in that unhealthy place we are drawn to the unhealthiest person out there. Not someone that would support and help us, but someone whose own issues make ours seem smaller.

Some people just cannot be together. When you bring out the worst in each other it’s time to move on. Good Luck to you.

[Leed]

You certainly are brutally honest. You've done some self-exploring and have faced some very serious issues. I applaud you for your honesty! It's not easy to be THAT honest with yourself.

I urge you to seek therapy. It won't be possible to overcome these issues by yourself without therapy. The therapist will act as a sounding board but also a friendly support system -- someone you can TRUST without question. You won't have to worry about anything going any farther. The therapist will not discuss your issues with ANYONE ELSE. Everything is completely confidential. So please have your doctor refer you to a good therapist, where you can begin to solve some of these issues and start to lead a normal, productive life.

I wish you the very best my friend. I know you won't regret going to therapy. I've been thru it myself and it was the best gift I've ever given myself. Please take care and let us know how you do. God bless! Hugs, Lee

[Sapfw_Sp]

Originally Posted by Lovely Loss

I guess I'm just venting or complaining, or maybe even pleading. I really don't know.
I'm in denial over the fact that I'm in a relationship that I don't want to be in, she is a very sweet and kind girl but I just don't see her in that way. It's been months now and I've tried to love her in every way that I can but I just can't. I've considered breaking up with her but I just can't do that, in one way I just don't want to hurt her, she's been so kind and loving and I've been nothing but an absolute monster. I scream, I'm so easily angered, I'm distant and resentful, I don't mean to be but I am abusive. I don't hit her or call her names but whenever we get into fights, I just get paranoid and seep into her mind and blame her for everything. Instead of talking about how I'm unstable and somewhat violent, I instead talk about how she is unsupportive and selfish, which is only true because she is so scared of attempting to get close to me. It's like playing russian roulette, I could be happy and loving or I could be angry and cruel. I feel horrible for the things that I do, I don't intend to but I just get lost within my deluded reality, it's everyone else and not me, I'm always so kind and supportive but people just aren't good enough and they hate me. It's this absolute madness that I constantly struggle to be rid of. And when I'm feeling guilty I can't help but try and turn my bad traits into badges of honour so that I can struggle to overwhelm my empathy till it no longer exists. I've always been like this but I could never see it, but when I finally realised the kind of person that I was, I just couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe that I was one of those people, I was an abusive partner, I was a leech, I was a manipulative coward. And that's what I am, a coward because I can't even do the right thing and let her go, leave this relationship so that she can be done with me.
Along with all that, I can't stand talking to people that I enjoy being around because I'm afraid I'll have some kind of affair, physical or emotional. I don't trust my restraint and I don't want to hurt her like that, I especially don't want to end the relationship on those terms.

So yeah, I don't expect anyone to respond to this, I don't expect anyone to be supportive of my situation and I understand if you think I'm a degenerate and waste of life. I'm not a good person.
So yeah, I guess I'm just venting but if anyone does read this and I'm sure people will, if you have any advice for what I can do to fix this or how I can end the relationship in a way that won't be dangerous. She really is a lovely girl, she was so sweet and supportive when my last relationship practically broke me, but she isn't that stable herself and she has serious emotional and dependency issues, I am her self-esteem and she feels worthless without my constant support, which as you could guess hasn't been too good as of late.
I do regret ever bringing her into my life, I've done so much damage that it keeps me up at night. It needs to stop but I can't bring myself to end it. So yeah, I'm sorry if I have upset a few people, so yeah.

There's many different people in this world. First, you just got to accept and love yourself for what you are. I think that's the problem that needs to be solved. Once you are good with yourself, everything's going to be fine. You will find another (or maybe even the same) girl who can love you and treat you right. Now, on what to do with your current relationship, my opinion is you should break up with her because you don't love her. It's worse for her to be that way. Do some thinking while you're on your own and maybe you'll get back together. I really hope I helped!