How not to lead on a lonely man?

A month ago I met a really nice single man, and I am happily married. My marriage has had it's difficulties, but right now it's good, and our relationship is deep and strong and has survived much. I trust in it.

This man seemed to be trying to impress me when I met him, and disapointed when he learned I am married, yet more disapointed when he met my sweet husband and saw how great he is. I see the man's loneliness and pain and I want to help him. I'm not very attracted to him, though I think he's ok looking, talented and sensitive. We cancelled our weekly sessions, all very logical and respectable. But he was nearly in tears when I left. He said he had broken up with his girlfriend, but I can tell he's been sad for longer than that.

I thought maybe we could be friends to him. I know how lonely it gets out here in this rural area, and how long the winters. I've been there myself, when it feels like the walls are caving in on you, isolation, cabin fever, poverty, self doubt.

So I suggested a place he can go to hang out, where I find social relief in the winter myself, and suggested he go for walks, get some exersise. My husband liked him, but we aren't very social people, like in terms of having him over for dinner. We've never done that with anyone other than my family. We would find it awkward.

What do you think I should do? Leave him alone? Or reach out somehow? It might be me that he's upset about, or he might have been telling the truth about the girlfriend and I'm imagining things. Either way, I like him and see someone in pain and want to do something about it.

Daisylady, I am a bit confused by your post. Are you trying to determine whether or not you should have an affair? You sound interested in this single man when you mention his attractiveness level, talents and sensitivities, as if you're weighing the pros and cons of this guy vs. your husband.

Hmm, Interesting response. No I'm not weighing that idea. I'm definately not going to have an affair with him. Interesting that it sounds like that though. Thanks.

Daisy, you didn't say how or where you met him or if you see him regularly in the course of your day or you have to make a point to see him. I have been in the same situation. All I can say is be sure you do not do anything to lead him on or give him false hope because that will hurt him more.

If you cannot help but see him (he works with you, rides the same bus, etc) be nice and friendly when you see him but do not make it point to get too close to him. If you do not see him unless you make an effort, don't see him. He will be lonely regardless because he cannot have a relationship with you. The less his thought dwell on you the more likely it will be he meets someone else.

Formerly I would have tried to help him and ended feeling trapped in a smothering relationship. I had to tell myself I am not the saviour of the world. He will get over it or he won't. He has probably been a loner and lonely most of his life. It is not my job to fix him.

Daisylady, I have nothing to contribute subject matter-wise because I live in a metropolitan area so there is no cabin fever around and I cannot relate to that, but I did want to isolate this quote pointing towards some interest in you - interest coming from the gentleman.

Trying to impress and then getting gradually more and more disappointed as he learned more and more about your marital status do point in that direction.

I think its very kind of you to want to help this chap.. and I think I would want to do the same.
Is there a way that you can help, but just a bit? If your husband liked him and would be happy to do so, perhaps meet for a drink once in a while, join him on a walk or a light lunch & chat in a cafe? Its a thin line of offering the hand of friendship and him relying on you if he is lonely, but I think it may be worth the risk. He knows you're married and he's met your hubby, so surely that shouldn't be a problem? Him being initially disappointed that you're hitched doesn't have to equal someone who can't move on and just be friends. As long as you don't send any signals out, I don't think there should be a problem. What does your gut tell you?

I didn't think it sounded like anything other than you wondering if you should offer friendship.

Thanks folks. It does feel like a tricky situation. My gut tells me to stay away from him. I don't want to give him false hope, or test myself further, though I feel like I've already been tested and passed. And I feel good about that. We had weekly appointments (sorry can't be more specific) which I have cancelled. But if I see him around town, and I hope to, for sure I'll be friendly and chat.

My fear does seem to be connected to my view of myself, what my true nature is, and hubby's belief in me to do the right thing really helps. I feel so lucky to have that love and support, and I feel sorrow for this man who doesn't have that. But of course, I can't give it to him.

I have also been in a relationship in the past that was smothering, when I was single, and I was trying to help someone in hard times, with drugs involved. I ended up having to get out completely and stop moving in those circles. This one doesn't feel like that. It just feels risky. He seems to know he shouldn't see me.

I do have one small thing I thought I could do, to share humanity's joys and sorrows and make him feel less alone. A small gift I could give him, like I have shared with online friends. It would seem backward to withhold that just because he lives right here, and not elsewhere in the world. A gift of the written word.

What did you mean when you said you cancelled your weekly sessions?

Daisylady: "We had weekly appointments (sorry can't be more specific) which I have cancelled."

To avoid leading him on, I'd suggest not inviting him to shared social activities, especially since his interest is mainly with you and not your husband, and your husband doesn't seem to want to hang out with him. If they were buddies, it would be okay if you were careful.

Thank you Koko. And everybody.

I would slowly pull away bc he seems like he's going to keep getting more and more attached which will make it so much harder later. It's great that you want to help him but if he's falling for you or has misinterpreted your relationship it could snowball into a problem.

It's nice of you to want to help him. Maybe your husband could play pool with him or something like that, and I hope things work out for him.