[IngridRita]

Hello,
Well, I've reached to the point where I don't know whether I'm in a good or in a bad relationship. I love my boyfriend and he says he loves me too, but his attitude is that he prefers to show it than to say it, unlike me, but that it is obvious that he loves me. I' don't feel that it is that obvious, for me it's more like that famous -he's just not that into you. Saturday evenings are regular for us, we do stuff together,and I always sleep over (I'm in a dorm,so he can't spend the night in my room). He has hobbies (so do I but not the same as his) such as anime, video games and war machine-a strategic board game,he is really into that,and I do respect that. But for this Saturday he just said "I'm playing war machine in the evening, I'll see you in Sunday".But the reason we see each other every Saturday is because he works and he has to get up early for the rest of the week.I said nothing,but than I asked him to move the game a little bit earlier, and than he said "Yeah, I thought so too". But he didn't think to do that before I said,and he constantly says how all of that is not more important than I am to him. So, I said that it doesn't matter,that he can have his Saturday. Also, I am still terribly angry and hurt with the fact that he called me his ex girlfriend's name and by his statement he will first talk to her when he wants to get married.She is his best friend and they spend at least one EVENING a month alone in his room watching anime. I know (I don't read his messages, but when he goes through his phone and I am close I see that they hear regularly and he has a special nickname for her). His words how he tried to keep her (but that it was just a matter of habit) and the fact that their friendship was initiated by him, 'cos he had hoped for months after their break up that she will come back to him are stuck in my head. Also, because I don't want to introduce guilt in our relationship I always have to be the one to apologize. I tried to break up 'cos I thought he still has feelings toward her, but we reconciled,because he said he wouldn't be with me if he still has feeling for her. I am 23, he is 31,we are 8 months in. I must say that he is really insecure about himself. He broke up with his ex 4 years ago and I am his first girlfriend after that. I don't know what to think about this relationship. To me,if you really want to see someone, you would move the game,he anyway always plays it on Sundays and we see each other twice a week.

[tinyrabbit]

You know, I think showing rather than saying isn't such a bad thing. My ex said things but never showed them, so they weren't really true, they were just things he said.

I think the important thing here is to understand that everyone perceives situations differently. You think that, because he didn't offer to move the game until you said it, he must not care. That's because that's what all of that means to you. But he may not see things in that way. He probably thinks: she knows I care, as I acted on what she said.

I think it sounds like you're not in tune with each other, and it sounds like you have trouble stating your needs.

For the record, I love my husband to bits, but I'm not going to sacrifice other things in my life that matter to me. Being in love doesn't mean always putting the other person first. It's important to put yourself first, too. You say he's insecure. I think you're feeling insecure about yourself, too, and he feeds that, and it's all going round in this horrible cycle.

Why do you have to be the one to apologise? Because he expects that? Which would be unfair and abusive. Or because you do? In which case it's time to ask yourself why.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by IngridRita

because I don't want to introduce guilt in our relationship I always have to be the one to apologize.

How does your apologizing amount to not introducing guilt? Apologizing is admitting guilt, in a mild form. So you definitely have guilt in the relationship.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by IngridRita

he says he loves me too, but his attitude is that he prefers to show it than to say it, unlike me, but that it is obvious that he loves me. I' don't feel that it is that obvious

I agree with Tinyrabbit that showing rather than saying is not necessarily a bad thing. Both present together are probably best, but if I were to choose one or the other, I would choose showing.

The problem is that he does NOT show it. If he cannot move the game, he prefers the game.

From Wikipedia: "Revealed preference theory, pioneered by American economist Paul Samuelson, is a method for comparing the influence of policies on consumer behavior. These models assume that the preferences of consumers can be revealed by their purchasing habits."
Revealed preference - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

So your boyfriend's preferences, according to this theory, are revealed via how he chooses to spend his Saturdays.

[tinyrabbit]

I don't buy this idea that not moving the game = he prefers it. I don't believe relationships have to mean sacrificing everything else in your life. You can love someone but also want to play a game.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by tinyrabbit

I don't buy this idea that not moving the game = he prefers it. I don't believe relationships have to mean sacrificing everything else in your life. You can love someone but also want to play a game.

I certainly agree with you on the general point - you need not demand "sacrificing everything" from someone who says that he loves you.

I do not think though that "moving a game" amounts to "sacrificing everything".

Maybe I am just too old.

[tinyrabbit]

But that's putting a lot of emotional significance onto that one thing, isn't it? When it may be of different significance to different people.

The key is to look at whether your life is full outside your relationship.

[RomanSunburn]

I tend to agree with both tinyrabbit and Hamster.

In regards to he game, I think the boyfriend just didn't even think about it. For some reason, he felt like playing the game on Saturday instead of Sunday... maybe one of his buddies had a conflict. Maybe he wanted to change it up. Maybe he thought that since you hang out every Saturday, skipping one Saturday wouldn't be the end of the world, especially if he planned on seeing you on Sunday. I find that with my husband... Things just don't occur to him the way they occur to me. We're each perceiving the situation differently. And until we talk through the issue, I have no idea what's going on in his head, nor he mine, which can bring about unnecessary fights... So, basically, find out why he moved the game. I'm pretty sure it's not a personal reflection on your relationship. Also, if he again changes the game to suit your regular date night, then I wouldn't be offended. I would let it go. As long as you can communicate about the issue, and both feel heard and understood and content with the result, then don't worry about how you got there.

I do agree that you are probably insecure, and I think improving your self confidence might help. I also think that you are carrying around unnecessary guilt by always apologizing, if not also resentment. You might not be bringing that into the relationship...yet. But if you keep it bottled up inside you and never talk about it, then it's going to explode one day, and there's going to be enough guilt and resentment to go around over and over again.

I can't comment about the ex-girlfriend issue, as my issues with my husband's ex stem from his family and not him... Not to mention they did not have anything even closely resembling a healthy relationship mostly because of her...

In summary... Talk to your boyfriend. Just get everything out in the open.
Good luck