[bjones012]

I have not given my wife an orgasm since 2003. She had them with me the first 6 months we were dating. The problem is emotional. She is from India and while in India a male Indian sex doctor got her off in 5 minutes stimulating her nipples. She can give herself and orgasm with her finger and with sex toys.

But tonight I asked her if I could use the same sex toy that gave her an orgasm. Nothing happened. After 10 mins. she said "this isn't working." Because I was there she could not get aroused.

Divorce is not an option. I tried to leave her once and she threatened suicide because her family would disown her if I left, because Indians don't believe in divorce.

So now that I know I can't even use a sex toy on my wife to get her off as she closes her eyes in a dark room, who do I live in a marriage like this? I don't feel like a man. I am not happy.

1. And no she is not only attracted to Indian men. Since she was 6 years old she told her mother she wants to marry a "blue eyed America boy." I have blue eyes and I am America. Remember I got her off in the beginning.

2. We talk about this problem all the time and she can't tell me why I can't get her off. She says cop-outs like sex is not important to her and orgasms are not important to her.

3. As an Indian she does not believe in counseling and will not go.

Obviously I don't do it for her anymore. So what can I do?

[hamster-bamster]

Where in America do you live?

[hamster-bamster]

I did not realize that there are male Indian sex doctors who stimulate the nipples of their patients. I have never been to India but have had Indian colleagues and friends and an old friend of mine is a yoga teacher who spends several months in India every year, together with his wife, who also teaches yoga. Yet, never heard about it.

[hamster-bamster]

Ok...

I had a male Indian colleague. He was a software engineer in a leading technology company in Silicon Valley. He was a charming sad looking guy. He was my office mate and he confided in me.

He and his Indian wife divorced. She left for Midwest to enter a PhD program, taking their three year old daughter with her.

A lot of things were very difficult for my office mate, including the fact that the daughter lived far away. He also needed to pay a lot of money to attorneys because his stock options presented challenges in the divorce (the ex wife had rights in the yet not vested options that were granted during the marriage). So a lot of hassle. Plus, it is hard to go through the divorce process when you are from India. You look odd to your community. Americans have the 50% rate of divorce, and Indian people living in the US are not there (yet).

So the guy was depressed and then he went on short term disability due to depression for three months. Afterwards, he returned to work and slowly ramped up to full time.

He did not commit suicide. He survived.

Your wife will survive as well.

Suicide threats are manipulative.

[hamster-bamster]

Regarding her not believing in counseling because she is from India...

I was first proposed rather abruptly when I was fourteen. The guy was from Nigeria. I barely knew him and was quite frightened. At any rate, where I lived people needed to be eighteen, at least, to get married. He said he would wait for four years, so he must have been really motivated. I was so frightened that I stopped seeing hiim even as an acquaintenance.

His cheeks were branded. He said it was a sign of nobility in his home country. I did not verify it.

So let us say hypothetically that I would accept his proposal and go live with him in Nigeria. Would I then need to get my cheeks branded???

And you go with absolutely everything she demands citing her ethnic custom.

I sure am glad that Indian widowers do not burn themselves after the death of the wife. This way I at least have hope that you will get to live a long life and avoid death by suicide.

[hamster-bamster]

More observations and thoughts.

Based on your account, in your words, you dated and she had orgasms. Does it mean you had premarital sex? How is that consistent with her tradition?

She uses sex toys. While I do not have first hand knowledge of sex toys (no pun intended), from what I have read about them I gather that they are by and large a technological innovation of the 20th century that is continued to be improved and redesigned in this century. If she is bound by her allegiance to the tradition that goes back to millenia BC, how did she dare to adopt this new technology?

I do not have a close enough relattionship with my Indian friends to know whether masturbation is ok within the Indian tradition, so I do not know if your wife has been daring in that regard also.

I am trying to demonstrate to you that through her actions and words she has sent you a bunch of internally inconsistent messages and you should not feel obligated to treat any of them as gospel (plus, you cannot any way since they are internally inconsistent).

[yellowted]

if your wife is not sexually attracted to you but will not permit you to leave for convenience reasons on her behalf, then i see no reason why you can't come to some agreement over you using sex toys to orgasm yourself or to use another woman in a different place for sexual encounters. After all you are a full blooded male who has needs which need fulfilling even if she has not got those needs or is fulfilling them in some other way without you.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by bjones012

1. Since she was 6 years old she told her mother she wants to marry a "blue eyed America boy." I have blue eyes and I am America.

But you are also not the President of the United States, even though you were born in America.

You are confusing necessary and sufficient conditions.

Originally Posted by bjones012

I have not given my wife an orgasm since 2003. She had them with me the first 6 months we were dating. The problem is emotional. She is from India and while in India a male Indian sex doctor got her off in 5 minutes stimulating her nipples. She can give herself and orgasm with her finger and with sex toys.

But tonight I asked her if I could use the same sex toy that gave her an orgasm. Nothing happened. After 10 mins. she said "this isn't working." Because I was there she could not get aroused.

Divorce is not an option. I tried to leave her once and she threatened suicide because her family would disown her if I left, because Indians don't believe in divorce.

So now that I know I can't even use a sex toy on my wife to get her off as she closes her eyes in a dark room, who do I live in a marriage like this? I don't feel like a man. I am not happy.

1. And no she is not only attracted to Indian men. Since she was 6 years old she told her mother she wants to marry a "blue eyed America boy." I have blue eyes and I am America. Remember I got her off in the beginning.

2. We talk about this problem all the time and she can't tell me why I can't get her off. She says cop-outs like sex is not important to her and orgasms are not important to her.

3. As an Indian she does not believe in counseling and will not go.

Obviously I don't do it for her anymore. So what can I do?

One thing that's leaped out at me, is that you're taking a lot (if not all) the blame with your wife's lack of orgasms. Is this fair? I do not think so. It's so much more complicated than that.

If your wife doesn't know why you can't 'get her off', then I very much doubt if its anything you have done. If she no longer finds you sexy, then this is her reaction, not yours. Unless you've become a nasty person, you've put on 100lb, or developed a body odour that would repel skunks, then I don't suppose its anything much you've done.

Have you thought of going back to basics? Try putting sex on the back burner for a while. Leave it alone to ease the pressure you are both under. You've been together for quite some years, and life, the horrible horrible mundane life can really zap the magic out of a relationship. I was wondering if it may be worth a try of dating each other again, going out, try and reconnect, laugh, have fun together - nothing more. Get some sparkle back, and who knows, you may just, in time, reconnect in bed too. I know, as a woman, that I have to feel happy, loved and valued for it to make me feel confident and happy in bed.

Good luck.

[yellowted]

think how many times a child watches adverts on TV for the latest toys and says I want that, then when they get it it is left unplayed with tossed in the bottom of a drawer or cupboard,.... this proves children do not want everything they think they want.
your wife probably watched something on TV about a blue eyed american, or saw one once when she was a child and wanted one because it was different, onlt when she got you she found you were the same as most other men or the novelty wore off, only you can't be tossed into a drawer of cupboard and forgot about.

[Neversolost]

My SO and I are from America. In the beginning he gave me orgasms like I never knew existed. But now, 20 years later, I don't want him to and he takes Viagra.
I don't want to measure my relationship anymore how many orgasms he gives me ... Sex is not love.

While fighting through my own problems, I think I lost orgasmic ability because I felt our relationship lost respect. Although I can stimulate myself to orgasm (with difficulty), I do not want my SO to do it ... It is a vulnerability I cannot offer to him, and probably myself.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Neversolost

My SO and I are from America. In the beginning he gave me orgasms like I never knew existed. But now, 20 years later, I don't want him to and he takes Viagra.
I don't want to measure my relationship anymore how many orgasms he gives me ... Sex is not love.

While fighting through my own problems, I think I lost orgasmic ability because I felt our relationship lost respect. Although I can stimulate myself to orgasm (with difficulty), I do not want my SO to do it ... It is a vulnerability I cannot offer to him, and probably myself.

Before attributing such difficulties to emotions, make sure your medications are not. Causing the trouble

[Neversolost]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

Before attributing such difficulties to emotions, make sure your medications are not. Causing the trouble

I am not on any meds ......

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Neversolost

I am not on any meds ......

Many people on here are, so I asked. Sorry...

[hamster-bamster]

The title of your thread says that she told you that she was no longer sexually attracted to you. OP talks about lack of orgasms in your presense. Not necessarily the same thing.

Did she explicitly tell you she was not attracted?

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by yellowted

if your wife is not sexually attracted to you but will not permit you to leave for convenience reasons on her behalf, then i see no reason why you can't come to some agreement over you using sex toys to orgasm yourself or to use another woman in a different place for sexual encounters. After all you are a full blooded male who has needs which need fulfilling even if she has not got those needs or is fulfilling them in some other way without you.

That may be an answer but not every woman would agree to be used for sexual encounters, or, in general, to be used for some purpose rather than be treated as a human being. The main difference between people and sex toys, as far as I have been able to discern without actually having sex toys, is that people want to be treated as humans while sex toys do not.

On a more practical note... I had a distant friend in SF, a very pretty Ukrainian woman in her early fifties. She was a widow with two children following suicide of her husband.

At some point she had a relationship with an American guy whom she liked a lot. He was married to a Persian woman. Sexless marriage, with two levels of hearsay - that is what she said he said. The guy said he was unable to divorce the wife for reasons similar to those stated. In OP.

Eventually, after a lot of drama, my friend switched her focus to another American guy who was single and unburdened by any obligations to follow somebody else's cultural norms.

I am not saying that this would be the outcome if OP takes your advice, certainly not necessarily, but statistically speaking divorcing would broaden his range of options for sure.