[Beachblues18]

So my wife cheated on me twice with the same guy in the last year. Obviously this has caused a lot of pain, stress, distrust etc. anytime I try to talk to her about it or how I'm feeling and try, as much as possible, to resolve the situation so we can both move on; she just gets frustrated and upset bc she thinks I'm trying to just constantly bring it up and/or ruin the day. The most talking she will do is until she feels the conversation is over. Regardless if I'm done or not.
I don't know what to do. I want and need to talk to HER but she is essentially unwilling. Advice?? Coping mechanisms??? Anything would be helpful!!

[hamster-bamster]

I do not know what exactly you mean by "resolving the situation", but the general advice I can give for a case when face-to-face oral communication does not work is to write a letter. Organize your thoughts well, plan it well, do not rush it, etc.

The next step if written communication does not reach its intended goals is couples counseling in which a third party who is a professional helps the two partners communicate. The professional should not take sides but rather facilitate communication. If the professional takes sides rather than acts as a neutral facilitator, he/she should be fired ASAP before further damage is done.

[Leed]

Hi Beachblues ~ I'm so sorry she cheated. I'm sure it's hard/impossible to REALLY trust her now. I'm sure you have a lot of doubts.

I think now would be a good time to get some marriage counseling. It sounds like you two don't REALLY know how to communicate. There's almost an "art" to it. Most people don't do it very well. LOL You have to be open and honest to be able to truly communicate, and in a marriage it's vital that you DO.

So ask your wife if she'd be willing to go to marriage counseling. I'm assuming that YOU would be willing, right? I think a therapist would be ideal in helping you two get back on track. You sound like you're very willing to WORK on the marriage -- so if she refuses to go, you'll at least know that she's not as willing as you are to work on the marriage. Hopefully, she'll agree.

I wish you the very best. Will you let us know what happens please? God bless and please take care. Big hugs, Lee

Hello! I'm so sorry for you, finding out your wife cheated must have been horrible.

I think the above two comments are really great! But there's also such a thing as too much communication. I'm not saying you don't need to communicate better, you probably do, but maybe this is too much communication for her? Maybe it would be better if you could be honest about your need to resolve this, as you say, but also ask her how she wishes to go about it and see if you can agree on some rules for communicating about this subject, like when not to or for how long each talk can last? That might also make her more willing to talk. I'm not a person of much wisdom, but I think that would be a wise thing to do.

Good luck!

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by AndreC

Hello! I'm so sorry for you, finding out your wife cheated must have been horrible.

I think the above two comments are really great! But there's also such a thing as too much communication. I'm not saying you don't need to communicate better, you probably do, but maybe this is too much communication for her? Maybe it would be better if you could be honest about your need to resolve this, as you say, but also ask her how she wishes to go about it and see if you can agree on some rules for communicating about this subject? I'm not a person of much wisdom, but I think that would be a wise thing to do.

Good luck!

That is a great idea, but I think that writing one letter expressing all your thoughts, concerns, ideas, positions, worries etc. in it partially solves the problem of (potentially) too much communication. At least it would strive to do so.

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

That is a great idea, but I think that writing one letter expressing all your thoughts, concerns, ideas, positions, worries etc. in it partially solves the problem of (potentially) too much communication. At least it would strive to do so.

Yes, I think you're right.
Well, maybe not if it were one of my letters.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by AndreC

Yes, I think you're right.
Well, maybe not if it were one of my letters.

Well, all your posts so far have been succinct.

[Beachblues18]

Thank you all so much for your advice and interest! I have tried "distancing" myself from her for several days and initially nothing happened. Now she has asked for more affection I.e.: hold her hand, rub her back or feet...just be more "hands on" in general. I think this is a good thing...I'm slightly hesitant tho. Part of me thinks she needs to be MORE affectionate with me! I mean, I'm not the one that cheated and showed that I was willing to break the commitment to each other we had made, that was her.
Sorry, kinda frustrated/angry right now bc she has bad to stay late for EVERY shift at work for the last week plus! I asked her to be off on time tonight no matter what bc I am off tomorrow and so is she and we are supposed to stay up late and hang out with each other. We have children, so time together is hard to come by. I have gone without sleep or other things I need to allow myself to be open to spend time with her. I usually repaid by her either going in to work or going to hang out with her friends.
Just feeling frustrated and kinda tired of feeling like her last priority. Well really not a priority of hers at all.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Beachblues18

Just feeling frustrated and kinda tired of feeling like her last priority. Well really not a priority of hers at all.

Hear you. You make all the effort and self-sacrifices on your own.