Why am i so suspicious of my bf?

My bf is great - loving, thoughtful, loyal, etc etc - my soulmate and The One in my life. We have lived together for 3.5 years but were friends at work a few years before that.

I have no basis for my suspicions yet i get all stressed when he gets sms messages, puts his phone on silent - all logically explained when i ask about it. We try to be open and honest - he knows i have trust issues - and our motto is: if in doubt, ask!

Obviously i have a longer story, this is the shorter version to get started in here. Last night i questioned him about fb issues, his phone etc and he just sighed and said 'i just wonder if you will always be this suspicious of me'. That shocked me and i want to move away from this untrusting behaviour.

I am diagnosed bipolar, on lithium which helps me lead a normal life, not too many moods swings - i often wonder if i would have been a bit moody anyway, even if i wasn't bipolar.

I love him, he's great - oh, he is 14 years younger than me, i forgot to say that! I know i have some jealousy issues about younger women and i am probably scared of losing him. We have a good thing and i know i have to alter my behaviour if i want to keep this relationship good.

Any ideas or advice?

I used to be the same way. Who are you texting? Why'd you ignore that call? Etc etc. I started to let go. If its meant to be it is. You've to try to slowly let go of it and it seems hell work w you on it. He says to just ask. That's good. I totally get the jealously but as you trust more it'll be better. Explain it to him and work together.

Talk it out. Don't put it off. It'll be better.

Yes he needs to talk about it more, so you're to the point of security with him again.

You are right to realize that it is your behavior that is causing the problem. Maybe you could start by deciding to keep your feelings to yourself except for once a week? Schedule a heart-to-heart time every Thursday at 9:00 or something, while you're out having pizza?

My husband and I enjoy some travelling, road trips and we are always in the car together. Sometimes I read aloud to him from my Nook and we discuss what I'm reading. Sometimes we just talk about whatever one or the other of us is interested in. You could talk in general about trust, etc., confess some of your worries/thoughts (about his being younger, etc.) and maybe learn things that bring you closer and ease your worries?

We don't have cellphones, so maybe my comment is worth nothing. However, my husband is also younger than me, just like yours. There is one young female in his office with a few other guys. It's obvious he has no interest in her, and in fact I feel funny even thinking about it. We are both capable of feeling irrational jealousy for a moment, but that is it.

I don't blame you for feeling suspicious. An explanation afterwards is not enough, to me. Do you *really* feel the afterwards explanation is adequate? I can't help thinking there is some reason you have doubts. Not that he's doing anything wrong, but maybe there's something right he could be doing.

You guys need to talk it out so afterwards no explanations are needed, so that the initial behaviour is comfortable. Just my two cents, because I couldn't live with what you are going through. (Again - not blaming either of you. Communication resolves this kind of issue, because you should both want to live without this pattern.) I study with guys from school (my field is male dominated) and have encouraged my husband to do a ask the girl in his office to work on a project with him. There's nothing uncomfortable about that. It's not like we're going to a bar with someone of the opposite sex or flirting with them or something. Draw your own boundaries, together, and if they aren't comfortable, talk again and move them. Well, good luck with this.

Hi -- I agree with alot of what H3rmit says. I've found that when a woman suspects something, generally, she's right! Call it women's intuition or whatever -- I don't know. But I don't think women dream these things up for fun cause it ISN'T fun -- it's miserable.

Chances are he's doing nothing. Try not to think about it. You'll screw up the relationship over nothing. When you begin to think like that, switch your mind to something else - pretty soon it will become habit. And continue talking and being open & honest. I hope things work out. God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

You know, always worrying about someone leaving you will not stop them leaving you. These worries are pointless as all they do is fill you with sadness and make you feel bad. Absolutely nothing you do will stop them leaving you if they want to go - but by being fun, kind, loving and relaxed will make you too irresistible to consider leaving!

I think its great that you realise that you need to alter your behaviour, its so very hard to admit a flaw. Perhaps try some CBT to get yourself into a more positive thinking pattern. In the meantime, try and count to ten when you next feel yourself worried or feeling jealous and ask yourself if there is any proof for you to feel this way. Try to remember that he is with you and nobody else, but also try to remember that he is allowed friends too.
I think you have a very understanding fella and he does sound lovely too and I hope you guys work it all out :-)

Good luck and hugs.

Thank you all for your replies to my worrying. I know that i am a terrible worrier and do tend to look for problems where there are none.

I am also a control freak and try not to be where my bf is concerned but old habits die hard. He is very understanding and easy going - soooo easy to talk to him about anything. I tend to be the talker and get my feelings out in the open where he is a bit more reticent and i need to draw him out to talk about stuff. He hates arguing with a passion - from his previous relationship with the mother of his son - so we NEVER argue - only discuss things like adults. I am a bit more fiery in temperament and find that side hard to control.....

I will try all your excellent advice and see how it goes - only good can come from it. Thanks again and have a wonderful day all.

Sometimes people do leave partners who are irresistible, but still, being fun, kind, loving, and relaxed is the best you can do. It is not foolproof because nothing is foolproof, but it is the best advice you can ever get. Ever.