[hamster-bamster]

An East Indian guy from OkCupid. He contacted me. He is 34. Has lived in more countries than I can remember including Australia and Ghana but educated in the US. Chatted with me a lot and was super polite and nice on chat. Then we met for a meal. Good looking enough. I appreciated his seeking out an older woman so I do want to be nice. Insisted on paying for the meal. Was super nice in everything.

Two weird things and one unpleasant thing:

-- tmi on the first date. Told me that his wife of 1.5 years cheated on him twice. He went into T for it and spent 10K on therapy which lasted 9 months. So he needs 9 months of therapy to overcome trauma from a r/s that lasted only twice that long. Efficient to say the least.

-- could not tell me which degrees he has, although that is neutral information which is expected on the first date unlike tmi about the cheating wife. Said that he had gone to MTI and Harvard and Stanford (all??). Works in biotech/medical field. I inquired about the medical school because I know that MTI does not have one. He said that he went to Harvard AND Stanford for medical school but then could not get into residency of his choice so did not receive the privileges to practice medicine. That is weird - normally people who cannot go to school or residency program of their first choice go to their second choice. Also told me that he does not have a PhD. Still did not tell me what he finished. I am a school drop-out myself but at least I tell the story as it was. He just equivocates. It felt very weird. I also had the impression that he does not complete projects. I have the same problem and am not looking to associate with a person with such tendencies.

-- wanted to kiss me. I said fine - I was trying to collect information about him and kisses do convey lots of info. Well, I would have been better off kissing a corpse, really. So that killed it for me - I cannot go further with him, period.

I told him that I would be away and when I would return. He is sending me chats now and I need to stop it.

Options:

-- tell him that I am not interested and thank him for his time

-- tell him that I got the notion that exclusive r/s is really important for him (he said that it was important for him in his marriage) and currently I cannot provide it, which has a danger of his turning around and saying that no, exclusive r/s was important to him back then but simple dating would be OK for him now, and then what?

-- tell him that I am starting something serious with another person off the dating site and will get back to him if that does not work out (has the side effect of making him appear second class and I want to be nice)

-- filter out his email address from google chat, but that is not nice at all.

Maybe there are better ideas out there. I do want to be nice.

[Polydodecahedron]

Not sure I can come up with any fresh options, looks like you've got them covered. The first one sounds the best one to start with, then if necessary, the others might need to follow. Good luck!

[DeadRedScorched]

i agree with the above poster, the first choice is the best way to be rejected

[shezbut]

I'd go with the first option on your list.

Point blank, honest...but not hurtful.

[joseph_anthony]

I'd like to third the initial poster's comments as well. Having been on the receiving end of the first and a male, I'd say certainly start with the first. It's as up front and gracious as you can be, anything that happens after that is irrelevant.

If he is a gracious guy he will probably thank you for your time maybe apologize. Probably do something to leave the door open should you ever want to see him, or at least that's what I would do.

Good luck hamster-bamster!

[eskielover]

I go with the first choice also.....better to be honest without the hurtful....but it's important to be open & honest without giving them any false hope.

Just curious was that MTI supposed to be MIT?????? that would be in line with Harvard & Stanford. It definitely sounds like he was feeding you a line about his accomplishments.....my stbxh was good at putting information out there without giving any details & letting others fill in the blanks with what ever they wanted to assume......it was hell living with that for 33 years....shoot, it was hell living with it for even the first few years......something I would definitely stay clear of anyone using that way of communicating.

LOL....tmi about his wife & not tmi about his education.....definitely something NOT RIGHT there.....definitely RED FLAG.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Polydodecahedron

Not sure I can come up with any fresh options, looks like you've got them covered. The first one sounds the best one to start with, then if necessary, the others might need to follow. Good luck!

Thank you! And the best username, too, although I will need a good night of sleep and a healthy energizing breakfast before I try to pronounce it right.

[hamster-bamster]

Eskie, yes, MIT - sudden dyslexia. Thank you everyone for voting unanimously, I am clear on it now and I will draft something gracious, pleasant, and appreciative tomorrow, with best wishes at the end.

[hamster-bamster]

While I was busy doing other things, he stopped popping up in my chat. I do have time now and can draft a nice rejection letter. But should I? Maybe he correctly interpreted my silence. What is your advice?

[eskielover]

Wait & see is always a good option.....if he turns out to be a bit obnoxious later on, then you can deal with it then.....maybe he has interpreted your silence & it won't be necessary to say anything.

Hard to say how people do interpret things.....seems guys are all so individually different (& yet similar in irritating ways also). Hard to know sometimes so best solution is to play it by ear & react appropriately when the need arises.

[hamster-bamster]

He did sent me a chat again. So, I will need to write a nice rejection letter. Courteous and nice.

[High Treason]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

He did sent me a chat again. So, I will need to write a nice rejection letter. Courteous and nice.

The first choice is definitely the best option.

However, most women I have met go with the fourth choice.

[hamster-bamster]

Thanks, I will do it nicely and with a special mention of how laudable it is that he seeks out older women. TO make him feel appreciated.

[eskielover]

At least it took him awhile to contact you again....& he hasn't been annoying you all this time.....think you are wise in the choice you are making

[Odee]

First choice, absolutely.

Best way is the honest way.

In this case, being honest isn't just for the sake of personal honor or ethical philosophy, it's better for the guy to understand clearly exactly what the situation is. There's no false hope nor bitterness over your own equivocation. He can move on and direct his efforts else where.

That's my thoughts, at least.

Accrediting him for pursuing older ladies is totally a plus though!! I might appreciate you encouraging that mindset 20 years from now.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Odee

Accrediting him for pursuing older ladies is totally a plus though!! I might appreciate you encouraging that mindset 20 years from now.

How about 30 years from now? Smiles .

[hamster-bamster]

Sent a nice letter, thank you guys!

[hamster-bamster]

I must say that having polled people to determine the best course of action and having written a really nice polite letter with best wishes, I expected a short response with smiles and best wishes to me.

I did not get it.

Well, that only proves that he is not the right guy.

[eskielover]

Sometimes it takes me quite awhile to write thank you notes & replies being overloaded at times....maybe he's just very busy...lol....but I'm guessing you are definitely right but you weren't interested in him in the first plac right?....not even think that he might be right or you won'dn't have written the note in the first place.

[eskielover]

Ugh, can't wait until my divorce gets finished.....but not interested in dating or dating sites either.....at almost 60.....I'm happy alone with my 4 dogs ( hopefully my horse this year)......Recluse Eskie.......hmmmmm that has a really nice ring to it....lol.

[ArthurDent]

recluseskie....as a last name...sounds eastern european to me....lol

as in..."I just read war and peace by reclusekie"...or "I just listened to this amazing symphony composed by recluseskie"...LOLOLOLOL

Oh geez...better stop while I can

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

I must say that having polled people to determine the best course of action and having written a really nice polite letter with best wishes, I expected a short response with smiles and best wishes to me.

I did not get it.

Well, that only proves that he is not the right guy.

He has just sent me a chat:

"Hey there - I hope you're doing well and that your cats are good ".

And that means???

He did not acknowledge the rejection letter with best wishes and now he is asking me about my cats.

And I was in the middle of writing to the head of the rescue agency from which I acquired my cats asking why one of them (I do not know which one) has recently started vomiting undigested food. Best quality food that they have never had trouble with before. So no, my cats are not doing well, but I was not planning on sharing it with the guy...

[Koko2]

Either he didn't receive your letter for whatever reason or he thinks there's an expiration date on rejections, like give it a wait then she'll change her mind.

[H3rmit]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

He did not acknowledge the rejection letter with best wishes and now he is asking me about my cats.

Grr. Well, you did your bit. Couple more chats and blocking him won't feel rude, maybe.

MIT, Harvard, and Stanford? And he won't tell you anything about his degrees? Hmmmm... my BS meter is beeping.

Yes, I agree: best to just thank him for his time and say you're not interested. Unless he continues to remain silent on chat, then just let it be.